HMOH bachelorette recap: episode 5

The best part of last night's episode were the closing credits with Craig on a mini horse, a text message earlier in the evening from my dentist that I have an upcoming appointment, and the realization that I pulled a butt muscle at the gym right before - in no particular order.  The two hours went painfully slow (no offense Erica and Brooke, your company was much appreciated).  There was even a loss for funny one liners throughout the episode, and BTFLN were slacking because most people were likely napping through the group date.  We lost about 300 lbs in crazy tonight - so that's good.  Anyways, let's get into it.  


We knew the crew was headed across the Atlantic to Iceland to continue on the quest to find love.  If my calculations and Bachelorette message board poking serve me correctly - this was filmed just before the Iceland volcano erupted and caused serious environmental damage.  Either way - why not travel thousands of miles to fall in love?  Because Ali says when you travel with someone you get to know them the best.  Kasey thought it was the perfect place to show Ali his tattoo, and if Jesse was still around, he'd totally be rocking a denim snowsuit.


C Harrison informs the group that getting the one-on-one date is crucial at these times.  There would be a one-on-one date, a group date and a two-on-one date where one of the bachelors would be sent home.  First up, the boys would compete for the alone time with Ali by writing and reciting a love poem.  Speaking with the locals and writing the "schnitzel van stinkenheimen" into your speech scored you points also.  The group pulls out their lyrical best - I mean I knew it'd be good because Kasey is such a poet.  I'm surprised his verses didn't go something like this:


Ali, I want to guard and protect you. 
Which is why I got this tattoo.  
This is me, my life - where you been?
This is my heart, it's real, jump on in.
I don't think you like me and I think that's pretty mean ... 
So I'm here to tell you, "it's not easy being green."  
Manamana.


In great news, Chris N. finally speaks to the camera; made me want to buy him a cookie or something.  Actually, it just made me realize why he's been here this long - because had he talked earlier, he would have been a goner.  Lucky for us Kirk applies key learnings, looks Ali straight in the eye, gently strokes her face and recites a cute poem.  Ali scolds the boys for not having learned from her one true love Roberto in NYC, and awards Kirk with the one-on-one.  


One-on-One Date #1 - ""Secret History" Revealed"
Kirk


Here I am thinking that based on last week's promos we're going to learn that Kirk dated a cow back home in Wisconsin, and left Elsie to come onto the show and find real love with Ali.  Instead we're shared the unfortunate asbestos poisoning that Kirk had contracted while residing in uninhabitable conditions in college.  Makes me grateful that my friends survived the sh*tholes they called off-campus living back in the day.  Before this reveal, Ali and Kirk go to the Aeropostale in Iceland and try on Christmas sweaters.  Isn't it cute when they come out wearing the same one??  Yep.  This is where I got up and poured myself some more water.


The date was less than exhilarating but we toughed it out and after opening up, Kirk gets the rose.  I'd like them together if Ali wasn't getting progressively more annoying.


In the interim we learn the lucky six who will be on the group date, leaving Rated R. and Kasey to duke it out in the ring for a two-on-one.


Group Date #1 - "Horsing Around"
Roberto, Chris L., Chris N., Craig, Ty, Frank the Tank


Well introduce mules or donkeys or mini horses - or whatever those majestic creatures were - and of course cowboy Ty is going to run things.  The group date was boring as ever, so I'll spare a comprehensive recap of climbing down holes and navigating dark caves without really being able to speak or see one another.  The date moves to the Blue Lagoon hot springs, which I have to say seemed unbelievable.  Wasn't it just shocking when Ali pulled own her snowsuit and had a slamming hot bikini on underneath?  


Ali was already slurring her words and taking "baby talk" to a whole new level when she called Frank aside to tell him she was concerned that he was missing during the date.  The boy's got moves - he told Ali she was right, which every girl wants to hear, and he was in good standing again.  She whined that she wants to see him look at her like he wants to be there.  She sounded more like she wanted him to change her diaper.


Despite Frank yes'ing Ali to death (a good call if you ask me), Ty's leadership skills get him the rose.  


Two-on-One Date #1 -  "Wrestler vs. Psycho"
Rated R., Kasey 


I don't know about you, but the anticipation of Kasey finally showing Ali his tattoo was killing me. He's here to love. Here for Ali. Being himself. Guard and Protect. Ahhhhh.


It's clear by her little talk with the camera that Ali is pissed she has to go on this date.  But lucky for her - there's another helicopter!!  I'm thinking this girl's interests on Facebook are "heights, helicopters, airplane, tall buildings."  The chopper lands on the side of the volcano and the group of three take in the awesome views.  Poor Rated R. gets to climb a mountain with a broken foot/boot on.  But no worries, he's here to win the champion belt, I mean, Ali. Actually, the ice cave set up for them looked a lot like my grandma's living room in Brooklyn - except instead of plastic covered couches, it was made of ice.  


After some alone time with Justin, Ali talks outside with Kasey where he reveals his special tattoo.  Ali is less than impressed and more terrified for her life.  Pretty sure she pressed a button on her jacket to alert the stage security guards that it was time to get this creep off the mountain.  Justin (and apparently Rated R. also) get the rose.  Wrestler wins the match and Krazy Kasey (Manamana) is sent packing ... and by sent packing I mean left abandoned on the side of an erupting volcano.  Talk about getting burned.


Rose Ceremony
Roberto gets some quality time for Ali to admit she thinks he's too hot for her.  Blushing, he admits that he doesn't understand it.  Eres muy guapo Roberto. ¿Comprende?


Craig admits to being very nervous - but proves why we're friends by sarcastically showing a fake tattoo on his wrist in an effort to make Ali laugh, and get some camera time.  More importantly - Ali asks Chris N. if there is one thing she should know about him (how about his name?).  But he really rose to the challenge when she asked him to tell her something funny and he pulled out this classic joke: "Ummm, I like Mexican food."  Please tell me this was shifty late night editing by producers after thinking outside the bun and ordering Taco Bell at 4:00 a.m.



SIDENOTE:  Craig hosted a Bachelorette party happy hour last night in Philly (reality star fame is not going to his head, promise).  What do you think Chris N.'s friends did last night besides defriend him and untag all mutual photos?


We see a nice little moment between C Harrison and Ali - and we question if maybe they should be dating.  He calls her out on not allowing herself to fall in love ... she tells him to lay off; she's trying not to fall in love with a psychopath and is having a tough time finding one who's not.


And the Roses Go to:

• Kirk (Date Rose)
• Ty (Date Rose)
• Rated R. (Date Rose)
• Frank
• Chris, formerly known as Chris L. 
• Roberto
• Craig

Hasta la vista:  Kasey and Chris N.


A quick question. Why did she act like it was a tough decision to send Chris N. home over Craig?  I don't believe the drama there - I can't unless Ali can't seem to let Chris N.'s mutual love for gorditas go. 


Ali mentions she tried so hard to find something with Chris N.  Yea, you and the rest of America's viewers. Chris gets into the limo but SHOCKINGLY was at a loss for words. 


Uneventful and unimpressive - but let's hope next week's trip to Istanbul with the lucky 7 proves a little more entertaining.  Seems the showdown with a person who has a g/f back home should be a good start.  And again, I say that the best part of this episode was Craig's horse riding and "it's not the size of the horse" comment that just barely redeemed the two hours I sat through this one.


Until next week - feel free to leave comments, questions below.


-HMOH


p.s. Contestants for the Bachelor Pad have been announced, including a few from Ali's season - you can expect to see Weatherman, Craig M. and Jesse duke it out for love and a quarter million dollars.  Show premieres Monday, August 9.