I left a client dinner last night and had six text messages on my phone. I didn't want to read through them in case they spoiled anything ... but I saw Kasey in all of them. We'll get to that.
C Harrison walks into a room of sleepy-heads. All the boys have that "just woke up" look, and a slight bit of "need a lemon lime Gatorade" glimmer in their eyes. The question this week - how far would you travel for love? The real question I'm going to go ahead and ask ... did the ABC producers edit out the part where Ali said she's looking for someone funny, real and off their rocker?
Ali jetset to the other coast before the guys. Just in time to get some fashion advice from InStyle and a feature in their July issue. Apparently sneakers, jeans and loose t-shirts are not going to cut it in NYC (news to me). We'll come to find out that spandex shorts and Broadway leotards certainly will. But fitting in in the Big Apple isn't what this episode is about - it's about guarding and protecting your heart. Wearing it on your sleeve. Creeping the f@ck out of the viewers. And a lot of throwing up a little in your mouth. Lucky for us, Kasey gets the one-on-one date.
One-on-One Date #1 - "Brought to You By the Letters "G" and "P" - Guard and Protect"
Kasey
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Mananama. Isn't this just a match made in heaven? Good point Chris L. (p.s. I love you) - when Kasey talks I certainly see cupid and doves and hearts floating around with unicorns. I also see a big, yellow bird and his imaginary friend Snuffy. I see fun-loving cartoons and then I see myself cringing.
Ali is on another one-on-one date and this time in my city - NYC. I walk to work every day. Us NYers don't have cars (our rent is steep enough) and if you're not taking some form of grimy public transportation, then you're riding backseat in a yellow cab. But to enjoy the city and appreciate the large sprawling buildings and hustle/bustle, you do it from the ground. Cue yet another helicopter. WTF, this girl is afraid of flying! But Kasey doesn't let that stop him from taking in the views. Her. The City. Her. The City. and letting his guard down ... Him. Awful singing. Her. Awkward Laugh. Him. Still singing. Me dying.
I'm going to go ahead and assume if I was watching the show realtime that's when the following Bachelorette Texts from Last Night (BTFLN) came pouring in:
- How is she not laughing in Kasey's face right now?
- I want to throw up on Kasey. He makes my stomach hurt.
- I'm lol. I can't wait to read your recap of Kasey's awful song. Haha - his voice drives me crazy.
- That bitch flies in more helicopters than Inspector Gadget.
The two settle down in front of a new exhibit - the rose. Kasey tells Ali he chooses her. He also invites her to jump into his heart and stay awhile, not without finishing up with another casual, musical number. I threw up my expensive dinner. Kasey doesn't receive the rose on this date, but the ABC producers Ali doesn't want him to leave. Sure, he gets another chance, but I will never get those twenty minutes back.
Group Date - "Can You Feel The Love Tonight?"
Roberto, Jesse, Craig, Kirk, Weatherman, Frank, Ty
The boys are invited to the "concrete jungle" on Times Square's jumbotron. Shockingly, all of two seconds later there is a big sign for "The Lion King" right behind them. And low and behold ... they are all about to wear spandex again.
Weatherman is feeling pretty good about today's forecast, but Ali is under the weather (see what I did there?). She wasn't much in the mood to date - just share mono with a select few, including Roberto. The boys get to singing Disney songs (a huge turn on if you ask me) and Rico Suave sings straight to Ali and makes her heart salsa. I was seriously hoping she'd look him back in the eyes, place one finger on his lips. "Shhh ... don't want to kiss. Don't want to touch. Just smoke one cigarette and hush. Don't call my name, don't call my name Roberto." All week I've been replaying Lady Gaga's Alejandro and dedicating it to my Latin lover.
Anddd back. After Roberto obviously wins the challenge and gets the alone time - the two share yet another special moment 45 ft up by hanging from the Broadway set, serious wire wedgie going down and Ali loopy on Nyquil.
Kirk: It makes me want to throw up seeing them up there.
Me: Um, you should have seen Kasey's date.
All in all, Ali is a trooper by continuing on with the night after her performance and spending some more time with the guys. Weatherman throws a classic quote of the evening - taking back his prediction for sunny skies and instead calling an approaching sh*t storm that blew crap in his face. The storm shat on the poor guy when he tried to break in on Craig and Ali's alone time. She graciously gave Frank some of her swine flu - and then shares it with Kirk also. Kirk would have got the rose for me on this one, tucking her in and watching her fall asleep (slash pretend to sleep for the cameras). Regardless, Ali chose to end the night without handing out the rose; she was too sick to make a decision - leaving another one on the table for the upcoming ceremony.
BTFLN: "Is it weird if I change my FB relationship status to "It's Complicated with Roberto and Chris L."" Nope.
One-on-One #2 - "Here's Some H1N1 for Your Birthday!"
Chris L.
It's probably because I'm jealous, but I just kept hoping that Chris L. was sent home so he can move back to New York and date me. I'm also hoping that Chris N. (if you don't know who that is, don't worry - neither do I) heads home immediately so I can stop putting an initial at the end of Chris L.'s name.
Ali was too sick to get out of bed, so instead of treating Chris L. on his birthday, she made him bring her soup and flowers. Happy Birthday to you!
Back at the ranch Krazy "sneaks" out of the house (yep, sneaks out with a full camera crew and a hunch that there's a tattoo parlor nearby in the city he's never been to) to prove that he wants to guard and protect Ali's heart. He will do this by getting some ink that represents his heart, and the 11 guys that are diamonds in his life. When he returns hours later, he pulls a Rated R. move and lies to the gentleman about getting burned. Ugh, I wish this was a foreshadow.
Meanwhile, the magic chicken soup kicks in and Ali miraculously can head to 230 Fifth for Chris' bday dinner. She allows him to call his dad, which I thought was extremely nice (I would have done that, just saying). The two were serenaded by Joshua Radin - an intimate experience for them, and also for me since my roommate was breathing heavily on the couch next to me and whispering sweet nothings to the singer. Anyways, the two had some germ swapping - and aggressive, unattractive kissing if I do say so myself. We'll work on that. Chris gets the rose.
Rose Ceremony
Craig, oh my lovely Craig, calls out Rated R. Kasey giggles like Tickle Me Elmo - I mean, he's giddy and wearing his heart on his sleeve. In walks Ali and I'm thinking NYC did her right because I heart the romper she's wearing! Weatherman quickly pulls her aside because he wants the rose and some one-on-one time. I want him to go home. He wants to serenade her. Do we need C Harr to caution against guitar singers??
I'm not impressed that Jesse is too cool to dress up, and Chris N.'s presence is just annoying me. Speak. Rated R. takes the opportunity to turn the tables on Kasey and repeat the same things that he got called out for last week. Kasey calls another all dude pow wow to announce to the group that he is here to guard and protect Ali's heart (also news to me). He shares his marking with the boys. I'm pretty sure C Harrison is off in a dark corner laughing his ass off.
Krazy pulls Ali aside to thank her again for the other day and recognize that he was overcompensating. He announces he has something for her. He wants to begin fresh ... with this tattoo. She begs that he not sing another verse in his song. But nope, before he can surprise her with the fact that he wants to guard and protect her heart ... Frank interrupts and the plan is foiled. As an aside, I'm not sure if anyone noticed Chris N. this episode (yea, me neither), but I did notice his mullet.
After some more shmoozing, C Harr steps in to apologize for breaking up the party - "Chris L. you're safe. As for the rest of you ... you're nuts."
And the Roses Go To:
- Chris L. (Date Rose)
- Kirk
- Frank
- Craig
- Chris N. - this is some kind of sick joke
- Don't call my name, Roberto
- Rated R.
- Ty
- Krazy. Manamana.
Well the group is off to Iceland. I'm worried there aren't enough local authorities should one of these headcases (excluding my Craig, of course) go off the deep end. Probably would have been helpful to have the Weatherman around when the unexpected volcano erupts. Anyways, we'll be excited to hear about Kirk's "history" and who knows, maybe Ali will conquer her fear of flying with yet another helicopter ...
Leave your comments, questions, concerns (I have plenty), etc. below.
Leave your comments, questions, concerns (I have plenty), etc. below.
-HMOH
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