HMOH bachelorette recap: episode 6

Wow.  You know the ratings for your show are going down when your promo for what happens next week basically ruins what happens this whole season. Most of the chatter on the couch last evening centered around trying to determine where Ali looked the fattest (ate a lot of Turkey in Turkey).  I meannn - there was a significant difference in bikini choices from last week to this episode.  Girls are more interested in criticizing one another than staring at the boys - so we had to do some investigative work on US Weekly's reported crash diet.


So Ali talks to the camera about how she was working to get rid of those guys that weren't good for her (and apparently those 15 lbs), and now she's confident she'll find her husband and best friend.  


Oh, a knock on the door from C Harrison - what's this about?  C Harr breaks the news that something has been brought to his attention, right this minute, not the day before or at the start of the season ... and certainly not with enough time to have a camera at a past season's bachelorette's house where the current girlfriend of one of the current contestants is sitting and prepared with a crying speech.  Anyways, C Harr explains that "oddly enough" he got some legit info and they were going to call Jesse (who?) collect with a phone card to find out about it ... So Rated R. has a girlfriend. She's an actress. A really great one. And not only does he tell her he loves her in messages while taping, but he has ANOTHER girlfriend in the area.  


Said from the couch: "I have no boyfriends.  Rated R. has three girlfriends. Do I need a cool nickname? Let's brainstorm."


A stellar call-out session from Ali, straight up high school style.  She puts the wrestler in the corner, and he has nothing to say for himself.  Best part is when he walks straight into the locked restaurant door and then scales buildings with a broken foot to escape talking to Ali.  I've had guys do everything in their power to avoid certain conversations - but they typically turned to emails and text messages.  After Craig and the ABC lawyer showed Justin he's contractually bound to go back and talk to Ali - he comes by.  Um, Ali left her job and apartment for this.  Did you know that Justin??? Her job and apartment.  And now you have a girlfriend?  She could have kept Kasey here instead!


Still, after the voicemails were dubbed in during Rated R.'s dramatic exit from stage, those of us in my living room nodded our heads and agreed this was the most brilliant move by ABC producers.  A perfect touch to an otherwise painstakingly boring episode.


So we move onto the date cards where we find out Ty gets the first one-on-one, much to Craig's disappointment.  She's done with Justin (she's totally going to late night text him later) and is excited for her other dates.


One-on-One #1:  A Steamy, Good Ty-me
Ty


Stroll through the streets of Turkey.  Laugh and giggle and take in the beautiful scenery.  Boring.  Turkish bath - fine.  Mysterious white substance being massaged into one another's skin.  Ew.  


While the two go on a date no one wants to watch, we learn that love conquers olive and Chris, Roberto, Kirk and drumrollllll ... Craig, will be on the group date.  Frank gets his second one-on-one and Craig once again misses out on alone time.


Back to the Turkish baths and matching plaid I don't even know what you call them.  The conversation was null - Ty just repeated everything Ali said which is the biggest pet peeve of mine.


Ali:  It's getting hot in here.
Ty:  It IS getting hot in here.


Respectfully, Ty is able to articulate to Ali what he likes about her.  The two address his previous marriage and that fact that a woman's place is barefoot in the kitchen. 


Ali:  Why didn't your marriage work, Ty?
Ty:  Well Ali, because my wife did.


Well Hallelujah, Ty has since learned that women can be CEOs or like business women or something.  Ali is the furthest from traditional, she says. Did you know she left her job and apartment to find love?  She's the CEO of "picking people who suck".  Ty gets the rose.


Group Date #1 - Yo, can I get some bread for this olive oil?
Chris, Roberto, Kirk, Craig


Ok.  For one - Ali waiting at the top of a tower for the approaching princes was lame.  So was the fact that the ABC hair stylists couldn't make her extensions long enough to reach down and have one of the guys climb it for some alone time.  Instead we watch them wrestle old Turkish men (my roommate was pretty sure one was her uncle - I was more distracted by the holy mole-y on one of their shoulders), and then each other.  Olive oil wrestling is apparently one of the most popular sports in Turkey and has a long rooted tradition dating back to the Persian Era.  It's a shame Rated R. went home right before this one!


So Craig is a lawyer and typically fights with words.  I've also seen him fight with other frat boys, but that's me and the rest of Penn State.  His desire to get that alone time finally helps him to take down Robert-o and win a chance to woo the damsel in distress.  


Craig and Ali head to dinner. Isn't he cute?  He let's Ali know that he's looking more into a career in oil wrestling.  Needless to say I watched the date with full on secondhand embarrassment (out of love of course) - and then prayed that the episode would be over soon so I could brush my teeth and not be tempted to have anymore snacks.  No date rose for anyone and everyone "anxiously" awaits Frank's second one-on-one.


One-on-One #2:  Oh, isn't this bizarre??
Frank


Bizarre.  Who saw that pun coming?  The two lovebirds stroll the markets of Turkey and Frank exclaims that "it's fun to watch Ali shop."  I guess he thinks it's fun to kiss boys also.  The two go to a magic carpet rug store.  Personally, I think they should have arranged for a private concert from Snoop Dogg.  A hard sell - but Frank contests he will not buy a rug and the ABC producer says "um, no you won't, but we will."  So there you have it, the two walk out with a rolled up rug and head to picnic, surrounded by water.  It looked like a scene out of my Sega Aladdin game.


I yawned.  I laughed at my friend who got up halfway through the date with her dress up around her waist.  I cringed when Ali told Frank she's scared of their relationship.  I was scared I'd fall asleep before the rose ceremony.  Ali knows Frank will break her heart, so in true girl fashion - Frank gets the rose.


Said randomly from the couch: "I'm just so surprised Jake and Vienna didn't work out."


Rose Ceremony
Zoom in on all the photos - except for Craig - when Ali contemplates her decision for the evening.  She's already made up her mind.  She tells C Harr she's going to skip cocktail hour tonight.  They've already used up a good hour of Rated. R's girlfriend drama, and she's already had enough to drink.  C Harr goes to tell the guys that Ali has already made a decision.  She knows what she wants to do - she left her job and apartment for this.


And the Roses Go to:

• Ty (Date Rose)
• Frank (Date Rose)
• Roberto
• Chris
• Kirk

Hasta la vista:  Rated R. and Craig


Down to five. This morning I walked into work and got an "I'm sorry for your loss." from a coworker.  My claim to "having a friend on a reality TV show" is no more.  Despite his exit - Craig is doing just fine and riding the fame train all on his own.  My heart broke and wanted to give him a big bear hug when I saw him get all choked up in the cab - but it seems, judging by his Facebook fan page, that everyone's showing him the love and putting themselves out there for Craig R. the bachelor.  In fact, I sent him a blog entry this morning that talks about how Ali let a good guy go.  He wrote back and said he's open to be interviewed. Oh. I sent him a few questions, including "Can I get Roberto's number?"  He let me know that he'll call me later - his fingers are tired.  Oh. 


So last stop on the world tour is Lisbon, Portugal.  The scenes for the remainder of the season should have had a "SPOILER ALERT" since they just ruined everything.  Maybe they're just being thoughtful so we don't have to watch anymore - but lucky for us, Jake and Vienna are back next week for the first time since announcing their split.  I mean, I can't believe they didn't work out.


-HMOH

SIDENOTE: monday musings

I was low key in Baltimore this weekend celebrating a BFF's bday and another's big move to the city/new digs.  B-more is definitely an underrated dining capital (see insert for poached oysters with caviar, served with stir fry and bok choy).  Not to mention, you can't get a cab driver in NYC as enthusiastic as Richie, our cabbie on Saturday.  He offered to take us for free - which being the Sober Sister, I agreed to (whoops).  He had a mix-up of old-school Britney, Chicago and Mariah Carey Dreamlover blasting.  Lucky for us, his AC was broken so we had to belt classic tunes out the backseat windows.  We tipped him for an amazing ride and arrived safely to our destination.  I could have sat back there all night, but I guess Richie had to attend to paying customers.


A few more sidenotes since it's been a while:

• I mentioned previously that I bought into the whole trainer thing.  I definitely haven't slimmed down since we started. I am, however, really popular at the gym now.  My trainer texts me and tries to set me up with other gym-goers. I get high-fived like crazy. A coworker told me it's because they want me to keep buying into the packages (I happen to think it's because I'm that cool).  He actually compared it to a strip club - fun until she tells you her name and all about her kids, and then you have to ask for you $20 back.
• Antibiotics are a miracle invention.  That is, unless it's the summer and all your weekend plans typically involve alcohol consumption (in moderation, of course).  
• I'm excited for the shortened work week and my annual migration to the Jersey Shore for the Fourth.  Activities typically include Yahtzee, sunbathing, Whitney Houston dance parties and cheese lunches.  I'm most looking forward to fireworks and, despite this past weekend's World Cup loss, that feeling when it's just great to be an American.
• Um, why didn't Zac Brown Band consult my summer calendar when scheduling tour dates in New York?
• My client's fiscal year goes from July - June.  That means that it's end of year. From July 2009 through present, things haven't really gone my way ... but with summer comes a much more positive attitude and turn of events.  So with that - Wednesday evening I'll be celebrating with an O'Douls (antibiotics) and a kiss on the cheek (strep) to ring in the start of my new year.

Over and out.

-HMOH

p.s. Make sure to read "27 Tuxedos" great post below!! 

27 Tuxedos Discovers: a wedding video can be a blockbuster

Join our new addition "27 Tuxedos" as he uncovers aspects of weddings that are surprisingly entertaining and exciting ...

As I continue to blaze upon the path to “27 Tuxedos” I figured it would be a good idea to share with you some of the discoveries that surface along the never-ending journey that is my wedding world tour.  The first of these will be somewhat surprising to most of you.  I learned (gasp), that a wedding video can be awesome.  Yes, you heard that right.  A six-plus hour video of drunken, uncoordinated morons dancing and making fools of themselves served as not just passable entertainment, but was actually the best thing I’ve watched on any screen all summer. 

                                                                                                           

My best friend just got married three weekends ago, where I served as Best Man.  I returned home to my apartment last weekend to find my roommate watching the hot off the presses DVD of said wedding.  To clarify, my roommate is:

a) a female

b) the sister of groom (my previous roommate)
c) a best friend

To make the situation even more incestuous, we live in the same NYC apartment building as her brother and his now wife, on the same floor.  We are at opposite direct ends of the hallway -so if we open our doors simultaneously, we are literally staring at each other.  The kicker is that my best friend’s wife (sister-in-law of my roommate) also helped her best friend get an apartment on the same floor of our building, literally the apartment next door to me.  So to recap: you have Bride, Groom, Best Man, Groom’s Sister/Bridesmaid and Maid of Honor all living within fifty feet of one another.  Take that Joey, Monica, Rachel and Chandler. 

Back to the wedding video.  Now, I normally would have no interest in watching one of these, mostly because one would assume they are unbelievably boring.  I mean I’m sure there are a few gems, but to voluntarily sit through (again) hours of creepy relatives, people babbling into the microphone, bad dancing, etc. sounds quite painful.  In this instance, however, I stopped to watch the video with my roommate because I remembered enough from the evening to know that there was going to be some comedy gold captured on the DVD.  I also figured it would be a cathartic act of self validation.  First by serving as proof that I was the best male dancer at the wedding, second to relive the magic of the phenomenal wedding band (which I brilliantly recommended to the couple), and lastly to remember just how amazing my 8+ minute opus of a speech was.  FYI, both the speech and the crowd reaction to it were better than I remembered, if I do say so myself. 

I figured I would just watch my speech and a few additional minutes of the video. I was instantly captivated by what was on the screen.  There was exceptional moment after exceptional moment, many of which hit new heights on the unintentional comedy meter.  It was like an episode of The Real World: Las Vegas, but with parents invited.  Several of the award-winning performances we discovered included:

• The groom’s sister (my roommate) jumping up and finger poking her brother/the groom's eye.  It was man down immediately - he had to remove himself from the dance floor to recover.  
• The groom’s mother being thrust into the air (after four failed attempts) by her best friend’s 22-year-old son, who happens to be more than twice her size.  It was like something out of a rehearsal outtake on Dancing with the Stars.
• The bride wiping out on the dance floor.  It was a classic moment of awkward, drunken white dancing with her more spastic groom.
• What was arguably the most impressive dance circle ever formed at a wedding, accompanied by the band’s rendition of Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean.”  I can’t even do justice to the five minutes worth of dance-offs, break dancing, Moon Walking, high leg kicks, etc.  If we posted it on YouTube I honestly believe the clip would reach a million hits within a week.
• The MVP-caliber performance of a kid who knew approximately eight people at the wedding, and hadn’t even seen the groom in like two years.  He managed to be at the center of nearly every major moment, including those that traditionally only involve immediate family and/or the Wedding Party. 
• My roommate, bridesmaid, sister-of-the-bride dominated on the comedy scale.  She spent the entire reception bouncing up and down with her arms flailing in the air like a drunken 80s aerobics instructor.  Amazingly, this move actually caught on and became so popular that she drafted minions throughout the night.  These impersonators followed her around doing the same exact bounce move like it was the Macarena of 2010. She also delivered a rambling, bizarre monologue into the camera that was like something out of a Christopher Guest movie.

Since I admittedly enjoy judging people, watching the video also provided a great outlet to weigh in on the performance of each wedding attendee.  I made a mental checklist of who stepped up their game, who barely got a passing grade, and who flunked the class.  I will be taking all of this into account when deciding the invitation final cut for my wedding circa 2023. 

I only made it through like 30 percent of the video (housed on 3 DVDs), but trust me this thing is legendary.  Sure, the entertainment value of a wedding video is dependent upon the amount of awesome present at reception.  If you're lucky to attend a wedding occasion (and play an important role) that moves like an unstoppable rebel force such as this one - I recommend you dedicate the next rainy Saturday on your couch with a bag of popcorn reliving your friends, family and loved ones making fools out of themselves. 

What better reality show could there be than your own?

- 27 Tuxedos

change your last name sure, but change your diaper??

Well the time for my body to show me who's boss has arrived.  After wedding weekends followed by beach weekends, and then the infamous crazed work week - someone shined down to say that I'm not 23 years old anymore.  


I took myself to the doctor this am because my sore throat was going on a little too long without turning into a cold.  I sat in the exam room where I could overhear all the PAs call patients to say "Ma'am, it's Dr. So and So, your throat culture came back negative." (One was actually talking about how menopause was kicking her a*s, and the other mentioned being set up with a 41 year old Jewish businessman, but I digress).  Point is, the PA seeing me said there were five people in before me with sore throats, all negative.  I asked if it was a virus, prepared to be sent home with a prescription for "stop partying".  However, not to be outdone, the HMOH got a positive strep culture (who's an overachiever - this girl!) and am now on a regimen of antibiotics for the next ten days.  I didn't even get the pink bubble gum stuff I faked being sick for as a child. Awesome.  


Summer -1, HMOH - 0.


I'll take the time before I pass out from pain and exhaustion to comment on a recent Marie Claire article shared with me about a new "trend" in wedding outfitting.  I'm going to go ahead and use the word trend extremely lightly because I have to believe that while people are getting married later in life - it's not typical that you get married at an age when you're already depending on Depends.  That's right folks - the bridal diaper.  


We all know that the dress is one of the biggest decisions for the day (for some, more so than the guy you marry).  Brides can go all puffy, princessy-y, big skirt crazy - to each is own.  Apparently bridal stores sell these little absorbent gems (bridal diapers) alongside veils, hairpieces and garter belts.  I question that if your dress is too cumbersome to be maneuvered with at least two of your bridesmaids, that you might want to reconsider your choice.  


Listen, I'm going to be perfectly honest in saying I understand where the idea for this was born and why a manufacturer would get behind it.  Simple laws of supply and demand.  As a MOH I have reached down under the bride's big puffy dress and helped her to wipe herself (don't you judge, I'm a good friend).  I've escorted brides to the bathroom mid-party to hold up the mountains of tulle and help her to squat over the toilet.  It's no easy task - but is dancing the night away and cutting the cake going to be all that enjoyable if you've peed yourself (or dare I say, worse???).  I'll stand behind practical inventions, I'll stand behind Spanx.  I'll stand behind the fact that your now husband is going to have to get over the fact that, in order to consummate the marriage, he's going to have peel back layers of brassieres, chicken cutlet boob enhancers, girdles, etc.  I'm not sure he's going to want to change your diaper. Hey, I could be wrong.


So there you have my thoughts on this bridal wee wee wonder. I learn something new every day - and thank you Danielle for passing it along.  Feel free to throw this post back in my face when I'm engaged at 81, married for the first time at 82 and my bridal diaper is all the rage. I at least hope they make them with lacy plastic tabs.


To a good weekend and these antibiotics getting the job done.  Leave your comments, thoughts, etc. below!


-HMOH

27 Tuxedos, "The Prequel"

I have known HMOH for quite some time – we’ve combined our last names, named our firstborn, created many a stir on a dance floor, and bonded over the fact that between the two of us, we’ve serviced a boatload of nuptials.  It’s why my sister deemed me “27 Tuxedos” and why I agreed to be a frequent voice on this site.  It’s an honor and a pleasure to be joining my homie HMOH for a little “he said, she said.”  I’m hoping to bring you an entertaining, insightful and relevant male opinion on many similar topics to those that you’ve come to know and love on this site. 

For my first foray into the blogosphere, I thought it would be appropriate to build upon that lovely introduction I was given a few days back, and discuss the genesis of how I got my street cred in the wacky world of weddings.  Much like The Godfather 2, Batman Begins, and Dumb & Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd, I figured any great story needs a prequel to explain the roots of its beginning. 

For me it all started in 2006, when I was asked to be a groomsman for the first time.  I barely knew what being a groomsman entailed at this point (escort a hot bridesmaid down the aisle (and maybe home), right?), let alone had any clue what responsibilities came with the job.  Nonetheless, I accepted his offer since a) it sounded like an honor, and b) my ego generally pushes me to accept any/all titles, responsibilities, and acknowledgments of excellence. 

From my acceptance to be a groomsman through the wedding weekend, I would get a quick boot camp style education in what this whole wedding process actually meant for anyone that wasn't the bride or groom.  I’ll break it down for you like this:

ENGAGEMENT PARTY

Attending the engagement party required me to buy a pointless gift off of a ridiculous registry, and then actually show up at the event. As I will detail further at a later date, I picked the most absurd items on the registry to give the couple - a meat cleaver and sausage stuffer.  Yes, those items were actually on the registry (hey, you ask and you shall receive).  At the party I was passed off from Aunt to Aunt, each who somehow knew me (I didn’t know any of them), who wanted to set me up with their daughter and/or daughter’s best friend.

BACHELOR PARTY

For the bachelor party – or last stand at being a free man – I had to travel to a foreign, French-speaking country you may know as Canada, and dropped hundreds of dollars on a Bachelor who wouldn’t even accept a lap dance at an all-nude strip club.  For the females, all-nude strip clubs are banned in almost all places/countries, hence why they are referred to as the “Holy Grail” and the reason many bachelor parties (or frat boys) will cross the border.  


Dinner was a reasonable (sarcasm) $250.  The party organizer, or shall we say scam artist, managed to scheme us into paying out of the group fund for his personal appetizer - a $150 seafood platter - and two expensive Cuban cigars for him.  My Petit Filet Mignon, side of mashed potatoes and two Captain and Cokes were certainly worth the two-fifty. 

WEDDING WEEKEND

Weeks after my cross-the-border bachelor party duties, the wedding weekend was upon us.  It began on Friday with the rehearsal dinner, but not before a traditional wedding run through beforehand.  Thankfully, for what would be the only time in my "27 Tuxedos" career to date, I was not responsible for giving a speech (they clearly didn’t appreciate my full potential). Instead, the evening involved me imbibing massive amounts of alcohol, more-so pondering who actually gets married at 25 years-old, and wondering why there were no cute and/or single women at this event. 

Saturday was the big day. For an 8:00 p.m. ceremony start time, I was asked to arrive at 3:30 p.m. (leaving a Mets/Yankees game early in the process) because we had to take pictures.  I learned that “taking pictures” involves the groomsmen sitting in a room with nothing to do for nearly four hours except for watching the Latino waitstaff laugh as I failed on the first six attempts to get my cufflinks on properly.

SIDENOTE: I was forced to stop at Men’s Warehouse on my way to the wedding reception to purchase a new tuxedo shirt (apparently the one I owned was not made to be worn with studs).   Why do studs exist and what dude makes his friends wear them?  I was also required to wear a cummerbund.  When I had gone to pick one up – the owner first laughed in my face and then told me I was the only person under the age of forty to ask for one in the last five years.

I got my first taste of “cupping an elbow” when the ceremony finally began and I did my strut down the aisle (I’ve perfected it at this point and can make any bridesmaid squeal at the professionalism of my elbow cup).  I partied the rest of the evening with not a care in the world- probably because I was extremely intoxicated because the cocktail hour was full of foods I don’t eat (shellfish, veggies, caviar).  I passed out that evening happy that my time of service to the Groom had finally ended …  at least what I thought was over until I got a wake-up call from another groomsman to head the Wedding Brunch together.  The early a.m. brunch was a trek across Manhattan and the reason I never wanted to see another wedding again for years.  

When all was said and done, my first go-round as a groomsman had done significant damage to both my bank account and my precious free time.  The final tally read something like this.  Seven days of my life gone to wedding-centric activities and around $1,500 of my hard-earned cash spent on sausage stuffers, Canadian strippers, and an unappetizing cocktail hour.  As a 25-year-old, it was extremely difficult to process with nothing to show for it.

AND HERE WE ARE …

Three years, 10+ weddings, three additional groomsman titles, one go as the Best Man, five bachelor parties, and thousands of dollars later, I’ve now become a wedding expert (potentially self-proclaimed).  For better or worse, I bare the scarlet letter that is “27 Tuxedos”. 

I have a crazy year ahead on the wedding circuit and look forward to sharing various stories, observations and anecdotes with you along the way. 

Any topics you want for me to impart my two sense on (I'm always up to offer my opinion), please email me here.

- 27 Tuxedos

HMOH DIY #623: a happily ever after

I've been holding out on sharing photos from Kelsey and Will's recent wedding because the variety posted on the internet better capture the later hours of the evening when the groom's white shirt is see through and my hair is plastered to my neck. 


Doesn't do the part before the open bar justice.


Unfortunately, the photographer's professional shots are not yet uploaded, and they are sooo worth sharing. In the meantime, I'm suffering from some serious MOHWS (MOH Withdrawal Syndrome) - so here are a few of the true DIY wedding touches that were executed perfectly if I do say so myself (and I do).

Seating Chart/Floor Layout

Bridesmaids' Rehearsal Dinner Game*

*Couple stands back to back and answers by raising the shoe (or in this case, flip flop) of the person who the question best describes

Chapel at the Big Bend, Chadds Ford, PA

Bride presented by her parents

The couple leaves the chapel as Mr. and Mrs.

Bride/Groom's Initials Hang at Reception Entrance

Homemade signs (courtesy of FOB) point guests to Cocktail Hour

Growing Up Photo Gate with Clothespin Holders

Reception Tent and Table Settings

Signature Cocktail Signs (c) HMOH

Brewed tea, Lemonade, Vodka and Mint Leaves served in mason jars

Happy Wednesday and Happy Wedding Season!


-HMOH

HMOH bachelorette recap: episode 5

The best part of last night's episode were the closing credits with Craig on a mini horse, a text message earlier in the evening from my dentist that I have an upcoming appointment, and the realization that I pulled a butt muscle at the gym right before - in no particular order.  The two hours went painfully slow (no offense Erica and Brooke, your company was much appreciated).  There was even a loss for funny one liners throughout the episode, and BTFLN were slacking because most people were likely napping through the group date.  We lost about 300 lbs in crazy tonight - so that's good.  Anyways, let's get into it.  


We knew the crew was headed across the Atlantic to Iceland to continue on the quest to find love.  If my calculations and Bachelorette message board poking serve me correctly - this was filmed just before the Iceland volcano erupted and caused serious environmental damage.  Either way - why not travel thousands of miles to fall in love?  Because Ali says when you travel with someone you get to know them the best.  Kasey thought it was the perfect place to show Ali his tattoo, and if Jesse was still around, he'd totally be rocking a denim snowsuit.


C Harrison informs the group that getting the one-on-one date is crucial at these times.  There would be a one-on-one date, a group date and a two-on-one date where one of the bachelors would be sent home.  First up, the boys would compete for the alone time with Ali by writing and reciting a love poem.  Speaking with the locals and writing the "schnitzel van stinkenheimen" into your speech scored you points also.  The group pulls out their lyrical best - I mean I knew it'd be good because Kasey is such a poet.  I'm surprised his verses didn't go something like this:


Ali, I want to guard and protect you. 
Which is why I got this tattoo.  
This is me, my life - where you been?
This is my heart, it's real, jump on in.
I don't think you like me and I think that's pretty mean ... 
So I'm here to tell you, "it's not easy being green."  
Manamana.


In great news, Chris N. finally speaks to the camera; made me want to buy him a cookie or something.  Actually, it just made me realize why he's been here this long - because had he talked earlier, he would have been a goner.  Lucky for us Kirk applies key learnings, looks Ali straight in the eye, gently strokes her face and recites a cute poem.  Ali scolds the boys for not having learned from her one true love Roberto in NYC, and awards Kirk with the one-on-one.  


One-on-One Date #1 - ""Secret History" Revealed"
Kirk


Here I am thinking that based on last week's promos we're going to learn that Kirk dated a cow back home in Wisconsin, and left Elsie to come onto the show and find real love with Ali.  Instead we're shared the unfortunate asbestos poisoning that Kirk had contracted while residing in uninhabitable conditions in college.  Makes me grateful that my friends survived the sh*tholes they called off-campus living back in the day.  Before this reveal, Ali and Kirk go to the Aeropostale in Iceland and try on Christmas sweaters.  Isn't it cute when they come out wearing the same one??  Yep.  This is where I got up and poured myself some more water.


The date was less than exhilarating but we toughed it out and after opening up, Kirk gets the rose.  I'd like them together if Ali wasn't getting progressively more annoying.


In the interim we learn the lucky six who will be on the group date, leaving Rated R. and Kasey to duke it out in the ring for a two-on-one.


Group Date #1 - "Horsing Around"
Roberto, Chris L., Chris N., Craig, Ty, Frank the Tank


Well introduce mules or donkeys or mini horses - or whatever those majestic creatures were - and of course cowboy Ty is going to run things.  The group date was boring as ever, so I'll spare a comprehensive recap of climbing down holes and navigating dark caves without really being able to speak or see one another.  The date moves to the Blue Lagoon hot springs, which I have to say seemed unbelievable.  Wasn't it just shocking when Ali pulled own her snowsuit and had a slamming hot bikini on underneath?  


Ali was already slurring her words and taking "baby talk" to a whole new level when she called Frank aside to tell him she was concerned that he was missing during the date.  The boy's got moves - he told Ali she was right, which every girl wants to hear, and he was in good standing again.  She whined that she wants to see him look at her like he wants to be there.  She sounded more like she wanted him to change her diaper.


Despite Frank yes'ing Ali to death (a good call if you ask me), Ty's leadership skills get him the rose.  


Two-on-One Date #1 -  "Wrestler vs. Psycho"
Rated R., Kasey 


I don't know about you, but the anticipation of Kasey finally showing Ali his tattoo was killing me. He's here to love. Here for Ali. Being himself. Guard and Protect. Ahhhhh.


It's clear by her little talk with the camera that Ali is pissed she has to go on this date.  But lucky for her - there's another helicopter!!  I'm thinking this girl's interests on Facebook are "heights, helicopters, airplane, tall buildings."  The chopper lands on the side of the volcano and the group of three take in the awesome views.  Poor Rated R. gets to climb a mountain with a broken foot/boot on.  But no worries, he's here to win the champion belt, I mean, Ali. Actually, the ice cave set up for them looked a lot like my grandma's living room in Brooklyn - except instead of plastic covered couches, it was made of ice.  


After some alone time with Justin, Ali talks outside with Kasey where he reveals his special tattoo.  Ali is less than impressed and more terrified for her life.  Pretty sure she pressed a button on her jacket to alert the stage security guards that it was time to get this creep off the mountain.  Justin (and apparently Rated R. also) get the rose.  Wrestler wins the match and Krazy Kasey (Manamana) is sent packing ... and by sent packing I mean left abandoned on the side of an erupting volcano.  Talk about getting burned.


Rose Ceremony
Roberto gets some quality time for Ali to admit she thinks he's too hot for her.  Blushing, he admits that he doesn't understand it.  Eres muy guapo Roberto. ¿Comprende?


Craig admits to being very nervous - but proves why we're friends by sarcastically showing a fake tattoo on his wrist in an effort to make Ali laugh, and get some camera time.  More importantly - Ali asks Chris N. if there is one thing she should know about him (how about his name?).  But he really rose to the challenge when she asked him to tell her something funny and he pulled out this classic joke: "Ummm, I like Mexican food."  Please tell me this was shifty late night editing by producers after thinking outside the bun and ordering Taco Bell at 4:00 a.m.



SIDENOTE:  Craig hosted a Bachelorette party happy hour last night in Philly (reality star fame is not going to his head, promise).  What do you think Chris N.'s friends did last night besides defriend him and untag all mutual photos?


We see a nice little moment between C Harrison and Ali - and we question if maybe they should be dating.  He calls her out on not allowing herself to fall in love ... she tells him to lay off; she's trying not to fall in love with a psychopath and is having a tough time finding one who's not.


And the Roses Go to:

• Kirk (Date Rose)
• Ty (Date Rose)
• Rated R. (Date Rose)
• Frank
• Chris, formerly known as Chris L. 
• Roberto
• Craig

Hasta la vista:  Kasey and Chris N.


A quick question. Why did she act like it was a tough decision to send Chris N. home over Craig?  I don't believe the drama there - I can't unless Ali can't seem to let Chris N.'s mutual love for gorditas go. 


Ali mentions she tried so hard to find something with Chris N.  Yea, you and the rest of America's viewers. Chris gets into the limo but SHOCKINGLY was at a loss for words. 


Uneventful and unimpressive - but let's hope next week's trip to Istanbul with the lucky 7 proves a little more entertaining.  Seems the showdown with a person who has a g/f back home should be a good start.  And again, I say that the best part of this episode was Craig's horse riding and "it's not the size of the horse" comment that just barely redeemed the two hours I sat through this one.


Until next week - feel free to leave comments, questions below.


-HMOH


p.s. Contestants for the Bachelor Pad have been announced, including a few from Ali's season - you can expect to see Weatherman, Craig M. and Jesse duke it out for love and a quarter million dollars.  Show premieres Monday, August 9.