Without further ado, let's begin. So we know this week is going to be a big deal because the season's promos like to blow any unlikely surprises. We come to the video footage documenting each of the top three bachelor's journey ... and the past nine weeks of my life semi-wasted.
We know Chris feels strongly about Ali. His montage takes us through the very moment I fell for Cape Cod Chris. He knows that the love between them is natural. I know that their make out sessions are anything but natural.
Up next is Roberto's journey and the stud muffin tells us folks at home that we're going to have to wait until he's rejected to start naming our firstborn (fiinnneee) - he's excited to be the only one left.
Then there's Frank. Dear Frank. I knew I couldn't trust a man with no eyes. This fellow has rubbed me the wrong way since Day 1. I thought initially it was because his name was the same as my Dad's. It turns out it's just because he's annoying. Frank tells us about his struggle to determine if while falling in love with Ali, he realized his true feelings for ex-girlfriend Nicole. Man, if I had a nickel for every time I've been on the receiving end of this epiphany. I'm thinking the whole time that Frank is dropped off 10 blocks from Nicole's apartment in Chicago and told to slowly walk to "surprise" her at her door, that this bitch better not take him back. You're about to watch 10 weeks of your boyfriend making out with a girl on your "break". That has disaster (and "Worse than Facebook") written all over it. It jabs me when Nicole acts "shocked" to see Frank at the door and their talk is nothing but nauseating. Things get uber-awkward when Frank takes what seemed like half an hour to tell Nicole about how he hit it off with Ali, had an AMAZING time, with an AMAZING girl (chill out dude) ... and that he is confused. A quick 'you need to come home" and a crotch brush by, and Frank has made up his mind. Sweet love.
If I had to create a scenario based solely on hypothetical situations and not real life at all (read: sarcasm), I'd say Ali is about to get a text or email that goes a little something like this: I know I owe you an apology. As you know, I'm not trying to get into a serious relationship despite the fact that we dated for months (and I went on this dating reality show). Every time I got to spend with you my feelings grew stronger, you're perfect ... but it's not you, it's me. Which is why I've decided to get back with my ex, now current, girlfriend.
Franky instead has like a 19 hour flight to think about this and show up in person to tell Ali face to face. Lousy contractual obligations.
Romantic Date #1 - Roberto
Um, did that "Little Mermaid" hair flip just happen? Really? At least get some singing crabs and karps playing harps up in here.
Roberto comes over to Ali and it's clear the two genuinely miss one another. I miss Roberto, but I'm distracted by trying to drown out Ali's ridiculous baby voice. Oh ... look! A helicopter. Isn't that cute? The two get up in the air, just like their first date (Ali seems to have forgotten she's afraid), and the two head to a private island shaped like a heart. It's here I put "Go to Tahiti" on my bucket list, with a side bullet to "Check out the heart-shaped laguna". The two walk to dinner after a day kissing in the ocean - and as soon as she sits down, Ali reaches for the wine and pours herself a big ol' glass. I'm obsessed with Ali's dress ... and Roberto. He makes my heart melt when he tells her he's going to go all in and let her know he's falling in love with her. It may or may not have taken him 20 minutes to do so, but it no pasa nada.
I'm not sure if the sweat beads running down Roberto's head were from nerves or Tahiti - but I feel that way when I get off the subway each morning here in NYC's summer heat (another thing we have in common). Things get even hotter when Roberto accepts (why was he surprised?? is this not season 100 of the Bachelor??) the fantasy suite card from C Harrison. Salsa dancing in the bedroom. Enough said.
Romantic Date #2 - Chris
Well if there are the two I would have picked for myself (because I'm selfish like that) from the get-go, it's Roberto and Chris. So despite his semi-awkwardness, I'm excited to see the two of them on this date. In fact, by the time it's over ...
While I'm focusing on Ali's zit, I'm also noticing the two get off to an uncomfortable start. Thankfully things progress and they plunge into the turquoise waters to head to the shore. Ali tried to be all cute by hanging on to Chris, but I could see he was struggling to stay afloat. Couldn't the boat have brought them even a little bit closer to land?
Regardless, finding pearls on the beach was pretty awesome if you ask me; and when the two sat and dined together, I got that gushy feeling. Chris is so genuine and in love; tells her he can see them together forever. I'm worried this poor boy is about to get a serious dose of heartbreak.
And if I may - Fantasy Suite 54 is where it's at. This seemed a much better deal than Roberto's love pad. That bed called for bad things to happen (sorry Mom). Chris affectionately spits out "God, I love you." and the official "creepy smile while living vicariously through another couple" happens to me for the first time this season.
Not Romantic At All Date #1 - Frank
Why did this guy pack a bag? You know you're getting on a plane and coming right back, correct? Upon arriving, Frank enlists the expertise of our friend C Harrison and worries that he's not ready to tell Ali that his heart is still with Nicole. Oh, snap. Who saw this coming besides me and every US Weekly reader? C asks the important question of how Frank sees Ali reacting. He also gently mentions that while he's a good guy, he f'd up ... and he f'd up real bad. I think everyone could use their own C Harrison.
Clearly I'm on Team Ali for the rest of the episode. She gets the "We had ... ", "I was ..." and I'm like "ohhh ... here we go." And then, the hypothetical text message I just guesstimated might be sent, instead gets delivered to Ali in person. I clapped at the dramatic toss of the flower from her hair to the floor. She left her job and apartment for this, dammit. Everything for this - did you know that? A big F-bomb gets thrown, and then she chucks her shoes on top of the flower. Excellent performance, couldn't have done it better myself (except, I have).
Rose Ceremony
Despite the warranted tears and tough day, Ali agrees she must move forward with the Rose Ceremony to formally have Chris and Roberto accept that they want to be here with her. The two do, like the gentlemen we know them to be. Hopefully one of them will prove to be worth leaving her job as an ad executive and her apartment in San Francisco and everything for this.
And it's down to:
- Chris
- Roberto
I'm prepared for a meeting with the rents in Bora Bora and a potential proposal. Who's it going to be??? Your guess is as good as mine!
But UP FIRST, the boys are back for a tell-all; in fact, I'm pretty sure Craig was out in LA taping the show this past weekend. This is the episode I've been waiting for since he got sent home. Yessss, please.
Until then - Leave your comments, questions, concerns below!
-HMOH
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