SIDENOTE: looking good and looking forward ...

Holy last week in July!  When.did.that.happen.  It's been an awfully busy few weeks ... and I'm trying to stay positive and look ahead to the millions of things coming up.

• I am always grateful to one of my male coworkers who continuously tells me my dress or skirt is adorable, whimsical, fabulous, or just princess fairy-ish (isn't he the best? I wish I knew his name!). Or one of my female coworkers who told me yesterday she'd "get on it".
• Yesterday on my walk to work the construction workers were quiet and the doormen weren't paying me much attention.   I decided my outfit made me look fat and promised to try harder the next day.  So today (with total success) I got creeped on and hollered at.  I then found myself visibly annoyed that they would treat a woman like that.
• Tonight I'm headed out to Forrest Hills - located just outside of New York City in Queens. I'm pretty sure I won't need my passport, but I am prepared for dinner at the most amazing pizzeria.  At Dees the artichokes taste like Big Macs (coincidence, I think not). I'm lovin' it.
• Another best friend booked a plane ticket to Alabama and with just a little over a month to go.  Six of us gals are headed down South to join the remaining hundreds of Penn Staters taking over Tuscaloosa for the highly anticipated game.  With little faith we'll hold our own on the field, I say with one hundred percent confidence that we'll school them in tailgating.



GO STATE!

• Oh and in case you were worried I was going somewhere, HMOH is up to seven confirmed 2011 weddings to attend.  If anyone else is planning on getting engaged in the next few months, better get on my calendar now.  Memorial Day weekend is out. July is booked, and quite frankly, August doesn't look good either ...

-HMOH

HMOH bachelorette recap: episode 10

Like I said - this week's episode was "Craig Tells All and the Other Guys Listen" - but I have to admit, I enjoyed it. A lot. In fact, knowing me and my need to be the center of attention always, I'd likely run a show like that on my own also.  


It's my main man C Harrison that kicks off the season with a small reminder that only two men remain.  He first meets separately with Ali to talk through some of the crazies she got to meet this season (and that ABC got to publicize).  He asks her about Kasey (Manamana - whoa, it's been a while) and Ali said that his patented "guard and protect" and singing were awkward to say the least.  I was happy to hear that Kirk made it through in the beginning because of his scrapbook, and I can say after this past episode that he is going to be a fan favorite for the next Bachelor.


The following summaries highlight the stroll down Bachelorette Season 6 Lane (think they have studio apartments for rent there?).


Love me some bloopers and "you didn't see it" reels.  In the case of the astronaut helmet, it's a "Ali was too blacked out she doesn't remember" reel.  In addition to that classic, faves included:

• Roberto almost takes Ali's eye out with a champagne cork - she, of course, thought it was cute.
• Frank's dad toasts the family in what seemed to be a string of nouns and adjectives from Webster's Old English Dictionary, stumping the blonde at the table and viewers alike.  Luckily, it was a joke and his son picked his ex-girlfriend over Ali.
• Chris N. is introduced as the phantom.  He reminds me of the butler in Mr. Deeds.  You know, the one that is very, very sneaky ...

So the panel is on stage and we go through the list.  The biggest rounds of applause definitely went to Kirk, Ty and Craig R. A bunch of people we don't even remember made the trip out to tape, like Hunter with the ukelele, Shooter and the Outdoorsman. They didn't stand a chance at getting another 12 seconds of fame in with Craig in the room.  But I was more surprised to see the no shows:  Rated R., Frank and Craig M.  Lucky for us Frank is back next week (probably married) and we'll be getting a whole lot of Craig M. on the upcoming season of Bachelor Pad.


But the biggest shocker came when I realized CHRIS N. TALKS.  He talks, and he's kind of funny ... and while we're at it, pretty attractive.  Weatherman still likes boys.  And Craig, well Craig likes the camera.


We are then asked to relive the Frank break up, which I'm going to go out on a limb and say is not the last time we'll be asked to do so.  I have to say, the montage proves that Frank was in it for the right reasons for a while.  I guess you can't help where your heart lies.  


Next up Krazy Kasey.  Manamana.  God how I've missed you.  I just haven't felt that Ali's heart has really been guarded and protected since your departure.  And that's why Frank was able to break it.  Without a moment of hesitation - C Harrison calls Kasey's sh*t out.  Tells him he ain't no singer and that he often wanted to scream "dude, stop." If I could spend the day in someone's head, it would be C Harr's during taping (that's respectable, right?).  But Kasey only wanted to be a good memory in Ali's mind. A memory he will be.


Kirk. Oh Kirky.  This cheesehead had me at scrapbook.  I knew Ali wasn't the one he was going to ultimately end up with, but I'm confident this guy will find himself a good girl.  Always a way with words, he eloquently puts how unfair it was that Frank didn't allow him to advance this relationship.  Kirk for Bachelor!  Who's with me?


Next we dive into the Rated R. scandal.  I couldn't have been happier when they replayed the voice messages.  As Weatherman weighs in on this, the cameraman pans out to the crowd rolling their eyes. And then the bashing begins.  The studio audience realizes they bought tickets to the "Craig Show", but it's entertaining all the same.  My dear friend Craig wants to take this opportunity (and about 45 additional show minutes) to clear something up.  He wants to set the record straight, and speak for everyone else when he says he couldn't care less.  Then in such carefully chosen words that only a frat boy turned lawyer could say:  "Just an as*shole being an as*hole."  Nuff said.


Of course it wouldn't be a Rated R. discussion without bringing out the Bachelor contestant that no one remembers to weigh in on how she brought this scandal to the attention of the producers.  Jessie is reintroduced by C Harr (he knows we all need reminding) and then this Canadian chick speaks more in four seconds than she did on Jake's season.  Jessie laid it on THICK when she looked over at Craig and winked. "Call me."  I see it - the two could get along blowing up other people's spots.


Jessie wasn't the only one to set her sights on Craig.  How about the hot audience member that offered to be his cheerleader?  And how about my former coworker that Facebook messaged me this morning to get the scoop for the ladies in her office on whether Craig is single and available.


Now for the face-to-face.  Enter Ali.  Her is hair is tragic to say the least, but I'm into her dress again.  She addresses the worst part about the show was having to let people go; and you know, the time she left her apartment and job and then got broken up with.  Kirk gets his shot at speaking and he makes our living room couch swoon (we even had a crier).  And then, of course, Kasey gets to singing and the couch cringes at this freakshow.  Made me miss him mucho.


I have to say the ending clip of Craig and Roberto speaking Spanish on the couch was great - and then the pissing the bed .... HA!  How many times did you rewind that, seriously?  It's what I used to call "Saturday night at Penn State." Secured Craig in the hearts of many girls around the country, I'm sure.


So we're left with the inevitable video clips of the final two.  I'm really torn on who, if anyone, she's going to choose in the end.  She thinks Roberto is perfect, and that never bodes well.  But we know Chris could be a stage-five clinger despite his genuineness.  


I guess it's all worth the finale next week! I can't for the life of me believe the season is almost over.  And just when I thought I was going to get my Mondays back to do something productive like ... I don't know ... go to a gym, Bachelor Pad goes all Road Rules/Real World meets Bachelor with a ton of crazy written all over it.  I can be into that.


-HMOH

stay tuned! HMOH bachelorette recap: episode 10

So I didn't realize last night's episode was "Craig Tells All" - but I've gotten some interesting emails and texts asking if he's single and ready to mingle.  I'll ask the question ... but the answer might be, "Call my publicist."

Halloween 2007

-HMOH

HMOH - urgent assistance needed

There's a lot of careful planning that goes into a Bachelorette party.  Trust me, I'm a pro.  Once the details are in order and the final cost is sent to the group, you can always expect a few ungratefuls are going to write back with why they don't owe you the $50 for this, and blah blah. Then you have the ones who sign up and the day before the check is due back out.  The group, mainly the bachelorettes planning the soirée, are then stuck paying their share or trying to figure out a way to divvy it up among the group. Of course, there can then be times when you get the details for said bachelorette party and just can't fathom being a part of it.  So you reach out to HMOH and she tells you do what she does best.  You think up all the reasons why you possibly couldn't attend in the 11th hour and hope for the best.  See below.
______________________

From:  HMOH

Date: Fri, Jul 16, 2010 at 12:38 PM

Subject: RE:  HMOH - Urgent Assistance Needed.
To:  Friend of HMOH

Lame. I don't think you need to offer an explanation - just say you're not able to attend - it's not a pre-paid party so you won't piss any MOHs off.  Just say that you regretfully can't make it and hope she'll send her love to the bride.

Just don't be seen on Jen*'s porch.

-HMOH

p.s. I took the liberty of inserting commentary into your forwarded email.  See below.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

______________________

From:  Friend of HMOH

Date:  Fri, Jul 16, 2010 at 12:36 PM

Subject:  HMOH - Urgent Assistance Needed

To: HMOH

Jen* is the bride and my boyfriend is best man.  I dutifully attended shower.  Don't think bachelorette (see details below) is for me - I love her, but all the girls attending grew up together. How do I say no?

---------- Forwarded message ---------- From: Party Planner
Date: Fri, Jul 16, 2010 at 12:07 PM Subject: Get Ready for a Good Time: Jen's Bachelorette Party To: Friends

Hello Kids (HMOH: If you ask me, this party is worse than the ceramics bday parties I used to throw back in the day),

I hope you're ready for a good time (HMOH:  I see you use the term 'good time' loosely).  I just wanted to send out a final reminder for the party tomorrow (HMOH:  You call this a party??).  I've tweaked plans a little to maximize the fun (and the ability to partake in alcoholic beverages without having a designated driver). (HMOH:  hmmmm ...)

Here's the scoop: WHERE: Bride-to-Be's House/Porch (HMOH:  ohhhhh, a porch?  Chick is going to spend the rest of her life on that porch.  Get out and have a good time!)
WHEN: 5 PM for pre-dinner drinks and catching up 
WHY: Because we love her (and you want to see what fun surprises I have up her sleeve ;) (HMOH: ;) )

The plan is:

• Pre-dinner porch drinks (bride doesn't know who is coming, so it'll be a chance for her to be surprised, start to catch up) (HMOH:  Bride wouldn't show up if you told her you were hosting her last fling before the ring on a porch. Trust me.)
• Dinner at a restaurant in town 
• A scavenger hunt plotting the bride's romantic history (don't worry, it'll take less than an hour and there will be plenty of drinking, laughing, and reminiscing about old scandals ;),
• Back to the porch for the special bachelorette surprise (you know you want to see it ;)  (HMOH: but do I really??)

This should take us to approximately 10 PM (HMOH: gasp), at which point we can decide how intoxicated everyone is/if we want to end the night at the bar (for old times sake). (HMOH: End the night at the bar? Why don't we just spend some more time on that porch?)

P.S. Everyone will only be responsible for paying for dinner and any drinks they want while we're at dinner ;)  We've got the rest covered.   (HMOH:  In fairness to this group, this is a really awesome deal.)

If anyone needs to crash at Jen's, just let me know.  Her roommate said we're all more than welcome to crash.  And her fiancé will be gone.  The more the merrier (even if you live just a few blocks away, you may want to do it circa 7th grade style). (HMOH:  If I got married in 7th grade, my bachelorette party would likely be cooler than this.)


Can't wait to see you all tomorrow!
Party Planner 

this is how you call, B-Oui (translation: BWE, best wedding ever).

A destination wedding is an undertaking for invited guests, but there are some destinations (and couples) that you just can't turn down. I've mentioned before that a friend was invited to attend a grand wedding in Provence, France.  And of course, the Travel Bug wouldn't have missed it for the world ... 

Take a look at her recent post and all this incredible French wedding had to offer.  Les félicitations Anne et Mat! See what I did there?

-HMOH

SIDENOTE: i heart NY

On my leisurely walks to work I often think up the million and one reasons why I love New York.  It doesn't hurt that I pass a bunch of freaks and chic's alike.

• This past weekend I spent time away with great friends in the Hamptons and Montauk, a place I went every summer growing up with my family. We stayed at the Cozy Cabins, which was neither cozy nor a cabin. You can't help feeling large and in charge when all that pass by are size 0, perfectly dressed, 45-year old women who work out, play tennis and sunbathe for a living. Bitches.
• At Surf Lodge two young men swooped in to start chatting with me by the bonfire. Just trying to get to know me - they asked if I was still in school or had already graduated.  When I laughed and told them I was no longer in school ... the one raised an eyebrow and said, "You say that like you've been out a long time."  Admittedly five years - they smiled, told me I had great genes, and excused themselves to the bar.
• This morning, I ran along the East River with the breeze (and FDR Expressway exhaust fumes) blowing through my hair.  But just like big city, small world - I bumped into my friend Ashley along the way and chuckled as we refused to hug in the sweltering heat.
• I almost caved and signed a lease on an apartment last evening because it was located at my most ideal address ever - right in the middle of everything.  Unfortunately, I would have been able to sleep in bed while making an omelet on the stove (all for $2K a month). On to the next ... 
• This weekend I'm committed to relaxing, not spending money and laying low.  I'm also committed to a trip up to the Connecticut beaches, whoops.
• Some homeless hippie couple just took up residence on my usual walk to work.  They smoke pot on the street corner at 8:45 a.m. and are dressed in macraméd, Jamaican-schemed tunics. They also store all their belongings in a Bugaboo racer stroller.  A $750 stroller.  That's about one to two months rent in any other city ... but I guess then you wouldn't be living in New York.

- HMOH

HMOH bachelorette recap: episode 9

I owe you an apology.  Work is inconsiderate and the back-to-back meetings made getting this up before 10 p.m. today impossible.  If you paid me to write the blog, I'd considering re-prioritizing ... but until I can fund a profession in blogging, I'm a slave to the corporation.  So again, I apologize to all of you who continued to check back today and found last Friday's post.  My bad.


Without further ado, let's begin.  So we know this week is going to be a big deal because the season's promos like to blow any unlikely surprises.  We come to the video footage documenting each of the top three bachelor's journey ... and the past nine weeks of my life semi-wasted.


We know Chris feels strongly about Ali.  His montage takes us through the very moment I fell for Cape Cod Chris.  He knows that the love between them is natural.  I know that their make out sessions are anything but natural.  


Up next is Roberto's journey and the stud muffin tells us folks at home that we're going to have to wait until he's rejected to start naming our firstborn (fiinnneee) - he's excited to be the only one left.


Then there's Frank.  Dear Frank.  I knew I couldn't trust a man with no eyes.  This fellow has rubbed me the wrong way since Day 1.  I thought initially it was because his name was the same as my Dad's.  It turns out it's just because he's annoying.  Frank tells us about his struggle to determine if while falling in love with Ali, he realized his true feelings for ex-girlfriend Nicole.  Man, if I had a nickel for every time I've been on the receiving end of this epiphany.  I'm thinking the whole time that Frank is dropped off 10 blocks from Nicole's apartment in Chicago and told to slowly walk to "surprise" her at her door, that this bitch better not take him back.  You're about to watch 10 weeks of your boyfriend making out with a girl on your "break".  That has disaster (and "Worse than Facebook") written all over it.  It jabs me when Nicole acts "shocked" to see Frank at the door and their talk is nothing but nauseating. Things get uber-awkward when Frank takes what seemed like half an hour to tell Nicole about how he hit it off with Ali, had an AMAZING time, with an AMAZING girl (chill out dude) ... and that he is confused.  A quick 'you need to come home" and a crotch brush by, and Frank has made up his mind.  Sweet love.


If I had to create a scenario based solely on hypothetical situations and not real life at all (read: sarcasm), I'd say Ali is about to get a text or email that goes a little something like this:  I know I owe you an apology.  As you know, I'm not trying to get into a serious relationship despite the fact that we dated for months (and I went on this dating reality show). Every time I got to spend with you my feelings grew stronger, you're perfect ... but it's not you, it's me.  Which is why I've decided to get back with my ex, now current, girlfriend.


Franky instead has like a 19 hour flight to think about this and show up in person to tell Ali face to face.  Lousy contractual obligations.


Romantic Date #1 - Roberto


Um, did that "Little Mermaid" hair flip just happen?  Really?  At least get some singing crabs and karps playing harps up in here.  


Roberto comes over to Ali and it's clear the two genuinely miss one another.  I miss Roberto, but I'm distracted by trying to drown out Ali's ridiculous baby voice.  Oh ... look!  A helicopter.  Isn't that cute?  The two get up in the air, just like their first date (Ali seems to have forgotten she's afraid), and the two head to a private island shaped like a heart.  It's here I put "Go to Tahiti" on my bucket list, with a side bullet to "Check out the heart-shaped laguna".  The two walk to dinner after a day kissing in the ocean - and as soon as she sits down, Ali reaches for the wine and pours herself a big ol' glass.  I'm obsessed with Ali's dress ... and Roberto.  He makes my heart melt when he tells her he's going to go all in and let her know he's falling in love with her.  It may or may not have taken him 20 minutes to do so, but it no pasa nada.


I'm not sure if the sweat beads running down Roberto's head were from nerves or Tahiti - but I feel that way when I get off the subway each morning here in NYC's summer heat (another thing we have in common).   Things get even hotter when Roberto accepts (why was he surprised?? is this not season 100 of the Bachelor??) the fantasy suite card from C Harrison.  Salsa dancing in the bedroom. Enough said.


Romantic Date #2 - Chris


Well if there are the two I would have picked for myself (because I'm selfish like that) from the get-go, it's Roberto and Chris.  So despite his semi-awkwardness, I'm excited to see the two of them on this date. In fact, by the time it's over ... I  Ali was more in love with Chris than ever.


While I'm focusing on Ali's zit, I'm also noticing the two get off to an uncomfortable start.  Thankfully things progress and they plunge into the turquoise waters to head to the shore.  Ali tried to be all cute by hanging on to Chris, but I could see he was struggling to stay afloat.  Couldn't the boat have brought them even a little bit closer to land?  


Regardless, finding pearls on the beach was pretty awesome if you ask me; and when the two sat and dined together, I got that gushy feeling. Chris is so genuine and in love; tells her he can see them together forever.  I'm worried this poor boy is about to get a serious dose of heartbreak. 


And if I may - Fantasy Suite 54 is where it's at.  This seemed a much better deal than Roberto's love pad.  That bed called for bad things to happen (sorry Mom).  Chris affectionately spits out "God, I love you." and the official "creepy smile while living vicariously through another couple" happens to me for the first time this season.


Not Romantic At All Date #1 - Frank


Why did this guy pack a bag?  You know you're getting on a plane and coming right back, correct?  Upon arriving, Frank enlists the expertise of our friend C Harrison and worries that he's not ready to tell Ali that his heart is still with Nicole. Oh, snap. Who saw this coming besides me and every US Weekly reader?  C asks the important question of how Frank sees Ali reacting.  He also gently mentions that while he's a good guy, he f'd up ... and he f'd up real bad.  I think everyone could use their own C Harrison.


Clearly I'm on Team Ali for the rest of the episode.  She gets the "We had ... ", "I was ..." and I'm like "ohhh ... here we go."  And then, the hypothetical text message I just guesstimated might be sent, instead gets delivered to Ali in person.  I clapped at the dramatic toss of the flower from her hair to the floor.  She left her job and apartment for this, dammit.  Everything for this - did you know that?  A big F-bomb gets thrown, and then she chucks her shoes on top of the flower.  Excellent performance, couldn't have done it better myself (except, I have).


Rose Ceremony


Despite the warranted tears and tough day, Ali agrees she must move forward with the Rose Ceremony to formally have Chris and Roberto accept that they want to be here with her.  The two do, like the gentlemen we know them to be. Hopefully one of them will prove to be worth leaving her job as an ad executive and her apartment in San Francisco and everything for this.


And it's down to:

• Chris
• Roberto

Hasta la vista:  Frank


I'm prepared for a meeting with the rents in Bora Bora and a potential proposal.  Who's it going to be??? Your guess is as good as mine! 


But UP FIRST, the boys are back for a tell-all; in fact, I'm pretty sure Craig was out in LA taping the show this past weekend. This is the episode I've been waiting for since he got sent home. Yessss, please.


Until then - Leave your comments, questions, concerns  below!


-HMOH

27 Tuxedos Discovers: The Miami Bachelor Party

Like Lebron, our “27 Tuxedos” headed to Miami last week.  Another notch in his belt as he uncovers aspects of weddings that are surprisingly entertaining and exciting ...

After four days of recovery, I mustered the energy to write a post about my fifth bachelor party of the year. Following two Vegas parties, one New Orleans and one stent in Austin, I headed to Miami in celebration of the demise of yet another friend’s independence.  I’ve frequented Miami to visit friends and family, and always found it to be too trendy, too expensive, too humid and filled with too many transplants and old people.  In fact, prior to my trip the only things I really enjoyed about Miami were the ESPN Documentary “The U,” the latest trailer for the Jersey Shore: Season 2, Gloria Estefan and The Miami Sound Machine, and Enrique Iglesias’ facial mole.  So you can imagine my surprise when this city rocked my world and led me to discover Miami as the best alternative bachelor party location to Vegas. 

Miami has the makings for a fulfilling bachelor party: attractive, scantily-clad women, plentiful nightclubs, good climate, awesome restaurants, hotels with top-flight amenities, and daytime pool parties.  As compared with Vegas, flights to Miami can be nearly half the price, clubs are less expensive to enjoy, the weather isn’t as hot in the summer and there aren’t any casinos (for better or worse, you decide).  Replacing the desert with sunny beaches is also a major upgrade.

Of course, “Nothing leaves the circle of trust” is the #1 rule of bachelor parties - no matter what city you’re in.  For my nine fellow soldiers in this past weekend’s escapades … you have nothing to worry about.  The following is not incriminating or implicative of anything wrong.  However, for you HMOH readers and any dudes looking to plan one for a friend, I’d like to take this opportunity to share a few gems - rated PG-13 highlights - of what made this destination so great:  

• The Plunge Pool Party on the Gansevoort Rooftop.  Included most of what is great about a Vegas Pool Party, without warranting a cabana for thousands of dollars and without having to drink in an insanely packed area.  There’s also something to be said about being on a rooftop overlooking the Miami skyline/beaches … and leaving a pool party without feeling like you've contracted a communicable disease just from touching the pool water. 
• Mara Gansevoort, Lauren Gansevoort Pool, and Gabby Club Louis.  I’ve come to perfect the act of giving women I mingle with on bachelor party weekends names that correspond with the locations where I met them.  These are the latest additions to my cell phone.  
• Taverna Opa Restaurant (also known as the juggernaut).  Literally the most fun dinner of my life.  Your family-style meal of unlimited meats comes with a side order of the best, bizarro European house music, a belly dancer on top of your table, and flying napkins.  The crowd was comprised of us, bachelorette parties and creepy middle-aged couples.  Highpoints included my best friend parading the restaurant as a crucial member of the Conga Line: Greek Edition, and a 40 year-old pervert doing repeated pelvic thrusts around the Belly Dancer’s gyrating waist.  Our waiter (most ADD human being alive) was like the Grecian version of Chris Tucker, equipped with comparable stunning dance moves and super fast drawl.  No I did not, “Understand the words coming out of his mouth.”
• The fated neighboring Bachelorette party.  We met this group of colorful, wig-wearing ladies at Taverna Opa. It was destiny as I quickly became best friends with them and partied throughout the weekend.  They were staying at the same hotel, made dinner reservations at the same places for the two nights, hailed from the same place originally, and currently live in the same city.  Their numbers were the same and so was the married to single ratio. To top it off, their bride and our groom are getting married at the same exact venue in two consecutive weekends. What are the odds?
• U.S. Loses 2010 FIFA Match. My two buddies thought they could make good for the recent U.S. World Cup loss at a local dive bar's foosball table. They dominated our other friends before the dramatic entrance of two European guys dressed like they just left a Top Chef audition. My friends' egos were quickly shattered when they were demolished by what I'm pretty sure was the Danish National Foosball Team.
• Committing a robbery.  More like a Jersey Shore-style heist.  I paid homage to Miami’s new adopted son, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, by committing a robbery on my version of Vinnie.  Said “swoop in” has also now led to my first, post-bachelor party date in the real world. And no, she was neither a Grenade nor a Grenade launcher.
• An elevator ride with rapper T.I..  Just three months after his release from jail.  After striking up a conversation with the Bellman I learned T.I.’s exact room number.  The Bellman also shared (though I’m pretty sure he should have been fired for it) that he had been called to T.I.’s room the previous day only to knock multiple times without an answer. He then let himself in to find naked women unconscious on the floor with empty bottles and condom wrappers everywhere.  If only T.I. was on my bachelor party. 

So there you have it, my opus to the city of Miami and all it has to offer a fleeting broad of men looking to celebrate a friend’s pending nuptials.  To all of the dudes out there - I recommend you give Miami careful consideration when deciding on potential bachelor party locales. Live out your Rated R version, since I can't share mine here.

- "27 Tuxedos"

tune in for "revenge of the bridesmaids"

I'm not going to hide the fact that my taste in movies is what you might call, unique.  Unique usually involves picking "Meet the Morgans" over "Crazy Heart" and hating myself for it later.  Or fighting it out for a chance to watch "Dear John" and then apologizing for the ending.  That said, I haven't had much luck finding a quality TV movie since Hillary Duff's "Beauty and the Briefcase."


This Sunday, ABC Family is back with an HMOH relevant premiere that I'm going to be sure to DVR while I'm out enjoying a weekend in the Hamptons. So sue me. Ramon Simone and JoAnna Garcia star in "Revenge of the Bridesmaids." 


The two childhood friends return to their New York City home to find that Garcia's "dream man" is betrothed to their frenemy. The two act as bridesmaids in an effort to sabotage the pending nuptials.  This has favorite written all over it.  Thank me later.



-HMOH

SIDENOTE: things to do tomorrow

Listen, if I've stated it here once, I've stated it here a million times.  I love to-do lists.  They complete me.  I have my favorite fonts - Calibri in Excel grids and Trebuchet if it's in a Word Document.  I've recreated them on poster boards so they are visible to all who pass my office.  My filofax is sacred.  


Nothing, however, beats the handwritten to-do list I make every morning over a cup of coffee; complete with boxes and the opportunity to highlight what you've finished.  Nothing, except for this one.  Kid has got his/her priorities straight ... and all of corporate America could learn a thing or two.

Sign me up for tomorrow!


-HMOH

HMOH bachelorette recap: episode 8

A disclaimer before getting into this week's recap. I, like Ali, feel that nothing stated below in any way truly (or positively) reflects the families of these gentleman.  I don't know them, and so I'm just here to say things about them based on what the ABC editors splice in.  Hometown dates lend themselves to major judging.  I'm a judger. So having admitted that, please forgive me for my lack of compliments. 


Here we go.  This week I had a few glasses of wine to get through the episode.  The editors don't waste any time setting up the week's hometown dates.  Cue latin music and we know that Roberto's barrio is up first.


Hometown Date #1 - "If you're happy, propose her."
Roberto


Any excuse to get 'berto in a baseball uniform and I'm in.  So of course he takes her to a place that is very important to him - the fields of his university.  He presents Ali with a jersey (#19) that the ABC intern ironed her name onto (Dear Intern, your letters application is sloppy, just saying).  Ali's proud to wear his jersey.  I'm proud that Roberto wears my number.   So when this is all over, just another thing the two of us have in common. I also would be game to carry my boyfriend's baseball card around in my wallet.  


So we meet the fam with not-so-Spanish names.  Peter and Olga. Como? What happened to Javier and Alejandro?  Not until their cute accents shine through do I believe this isn't a "Blide Side" kind of couple that adopted a Latin boy so he could bring in a professional athlete's income.  


Peter happens to ask some good questions and inform Ali that Roberto comes at a price.  The whole time I just wondered how my Dad would handle a third degree of one of my brothers' potential mates.  I think the conversation would be more like "Do you like Italian food?" "Try some of the chicken parm, come on, you'll like it."


In the end, Roberto gets Mami and Papi's blessing to "propose her" and then the family gets to dancing.  I'm starting to feel sorry for these guys.  


Hometown Date #2 - "Cape Cod with Chris"
Chris


I knew this one would get a little sentimental given what Chris has been through and his relationship with family.  Luckily Ali's continuous giggling helped to break the somber mood (and my wine buzz).  The two continue a cute little stroll down the beach and I'm sensing more awkwardness between them than the mating whales.  Not to mention, Ali throws like a girl.


Chris is smitten; heartbreak written all over it.  He assured Ali he wouldn't bring someone home unless he knew it was right.  Then I got all choked up at how badly he wants to find someone to love.  I had received a text earlier in the night - and I'm guessing it was at this exact moment.  BTFLN:  "Please explain to me how the Bachelorette has me tearing up tonight.  Gotta be hormones, right?"


I'm trying to get Chris' dad, Ed, to be the next Bachelor.  Who's with me?  And I thought Chris was cute.  The man is adorable and knows a thing or two about true love.  He had my heart when he accused Ali of stealing his roommate.  Regardless, Ali seems to enjoy a day with the family, and I continue to be burdened by the fact that Ali is wearing the bracelet Chris gave her.  Love is reality, unfortunately, Ali is reality TV.  


The two make it up to the tower, the last thing Chris wants to show her, where they exchange another awkward, and if you ask me, uncomfortable kiss (gag:  "Damn, you're cute.").  You'd think this would become more natural looking for the millions of viewers, but I don't think they're there yet.


Secretly Ali probably takes off the bracelet and gets into the car to head to good ol' Cheese-town, WI.


Hometown Date #3:  "Holy Cow, We're in Wisconsin!"
Kirk


Ali [in baby voice]:  Kirrrkkkyyyyyy
HMOH: Gross.


Ali asks Kirk who she's meeting today - and Kirk informs her she'll be meeting both sets of parents.  He's a little nervous to see how they get along.  Maybe because we find out his dad has a petting zoo in his basement where nothing moves.  Oh dear stuffed lordy.  I already put money on Kirk going home.  Additionally, [JUDGING ALERT] Kirk's stepmom is a man.  I say this because the baritone voice, Adam's apple and acceptance of an elk's foot with eyeballs in her basement couldn't possibly be the workings of a lady.


After surviving the Museum of Taxidermy, Ali meets Kirk's mom.  I was convinced she was a MILF when she got up to open the door.  When she turned around, I gasped a little.  Blame it on the wine.  After my initial shock and a swig of water, we learn the story behind the Live Strong bracelet and Kirk admits that he's fallen for Ali.


After the two-for-one date, Ali pops into the car, ready to shower off the fur from the wall ornaments and meet up with Frank for the last of her hometown visits.


Hometown Date #4 - "Let me be Frank, I'm not that into you"
Frank


Producers coordinate one of those "stroll and smile to yourself" scenes while Ali waits to run into Frank's arms.  The two take a romantic ride down the Chicago River.  And now, after three other dates, Ali mentions she's nervous that she might be meeting her in-laws.  Girl, welcome to the season.  


Frank spends a bunch of time questioning the relationship. Maybe because he's looking for a way to break up with her and needs to make it to Tahiti for 1) a free trip and 2) the most dramatic break-up in Bachelorette history.  Seems Frank makes Ali very insecure - an initial red flag.  Regardless all her bold proclamations of being sure about the two of them, plus the whispering sweet nothings into Frank's ear ... I'm sold that this is foreshadowing things going sour.


Net-net, Frank's family seems like a nice bunch, and his V-neck is the deepest neck I've seen in a while.  After the date, Ali heads off to make a decision, comforted by the insecurity of this relationship.


Rose Ceremony
I was happy to see C Harrison.  He does his thing, asking Ali if she sees her husband among these men. Awkward silence.  He walks out to address the group and sets up the ceremony. One of them is going home even though they all made an impression on Ali.  Quick and painless. 


Roses Go To:

• Roberto
• Chris
• Frank

Hasta la vista:  Kirk


I have to say, Kirk goes out a complete gentleman.  He keeps it together with a dignified look, and I'm certain he'll find someone back home in Green Bay to take good care of him.


Next week the crew is off to romantic Tahiti, so cheers to that!  Seems there are more helicopters and heights, how unpredictable.  And more importantly, Frank has me intrigued about what him and Ali need to talk about ...


Almost there!


-HMOH