SIDENOTE: are you a maid?

With an office move downtown, I've been stripped of my office walls (back to cubeland) and so my coworkers will now have to partake in all things I tend to talk to myself about aloud.  Like this gem of an email I got this am:


Subject:  Are you a maid?


Hey there,
I'm reaching out to you because Thumbtack is getting a lot of job leads for maids, and I'm looking for another maid who is interested in taking on more clients.

After checking out your website I think you are a great fit for Thumbtack and I'd love to start sending you job leads. Please fill out a few details about your skills and rates, and I'll start forwarding you potential new clients.

If you have any questions about what Thumbtack can provide, please don't hesitate to ask.

Thanks,
Heather
--
Subject: RE: Are you a moron?


Oh hey there Heather,


Unfortunately, no, I'm not a maid. They didn't offer that major where I went to college to get my higher education. Instead I work in PR and write a blog about the millions of weddings I'm in or have to attend. You'd know that if you read down say ... four seconds ... or clicked on the "About handMAID of HONOR" tab.  MAID of HONOR, get it? Like in a wedding - not in a person's house with rubber gloves.  SIDENOTE:  I should say for my readers that I truly respect housekeepers and maids.  I just don't respect recruiters who have no idea what they're doing.  If I had done that to an editor, I'd hope she'd ridicule me on Glamour.com also.


Anyways, Heather, as requested, I'd love to share a few details about my skills and rates.

• I am a huge college football fan; Penn State. Doesn't necessarily get the windows spotless though.  Back in the day I could be paid with a red Solo cup, Smirnoff and cranberry juice.
• I can name a nailpolish color with the best of them.  Apologies, skill not suited in the laundry room.
• I often manage text conversations and witty remarks on behalf of myself and clients (read: friends). Standard text msg rates apply.
• You should see the handMAID, get it?, table cards, aprons, spoons and cork toppers I've created.  I'm still working out those rates.

No questions about Thumbtack, thanks.  Let me know if you have any questions about my blog title and if I can start referring you to clients also.

Thanks much,

HMOH

HMOH: if you were to throw me a ________

Well, my productivity has met its match. I am addicted to pintrest. It's here you can store away (in perfectly organized boards) your inspirations, must-haves, wish-i-hads, and favorites.   You can follow HMOH by clicking the following link … but don't steal my ideas. I kid. No I don't. 


And now welcome please my  "If you were to throw me a _______" series.  Maybe in twenty years my friends and family can comb the HMOH archives or virtual boards for my wishful inspirations to host the perfect party for me.  

So, if you were to throw me a bridal shower ... 

I'd want it to have Martha Stewart written all over it ... with handmaid* name tags ... and I'd want the favors/dessert to be funfetti cake in a mason jar.

Go ahead, write that down. -HMOH  

HMOH photobook: get inspired.

here are things that today,

                                     -HMOH

it's the little things that count ... at your wedding

There are times that I'm not certain how I become somewhat connected ... and how I can say that a reader (and friend of a friend) was a member of this "eccentric" couple's wedding party:

Yea, so ... let's discuss.  What I'm still more confused about is how this bride let these shenanigans go down on her big day.  No midget, I mean little person, is going to outshine me as the bride. Hell, I can't imagine I'd agree to this (I meannnn, maybe a choreographed dance or something) without being roofied by my groom-to-be or promised a serious upgrade on my ring and second honeymoon by our one year anniversary.  But I've been informed by my sources that there was also a little person at the bride's bachelorette and FIVE (yep, five) bridal showers, not including the bar crawl in honor of this lady.  Apparently she has a fondness for torturing her friends and midgets.  Dear Bride, I mean this with the utmost respect, as you are a friend of a friend of a friend. 


And Dear Groom, I'm thinking by your wedding reception it's about time to wipe the slate clean of all the other things that have been up your wife's skirt.


Of course the douchiest Web site of them all - Barstool Sports - ate this up, and I'll admit I had to lower the volume on my work computer as the porn music began to play and I began to giggle.  Regardless, I hope this garter retrieval helped get you through this Hump Day.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say this thing makes it way through the internet fast ... that this wedding took place in New Jersey, and that I have plenty of a gentleman friends who would want to upstage this couple. 

So I ask - would you allow this at your reception?  Leave thoughts, comments, chuckles, shout outs to your fave little person, etc. below.

-HMOH

SIDENOTE: sh*t my dad texts

NOTE: Names (except for Mom and Dad), have been changed to protect the innocent. - HMOH

Text convo with Dad, 10:00 a.m. ET

"Good morning, HMOH (sidenote to sidenote: no, he doesn't really call me that. Like I said, I'm protecting the innocent.). How are you? Just dropped by to say hello and that I love you and wish you a great day! Also want to ask if you received a message from my banker friend [NAME].  He is a good looking kid. He is also a Virgo like you. Give him a shot, you will like him. Love you. Dad"

"Hi Dad. Doing well! How are you doing? Love you lots - and scared you're playing matchmaker."

"Don't be scared. I'm just thinking of you.  He is a good kid ... you might like him. Really good looking! ... [INSERT OTHER ADJECTIVES ... my Dad is clearly into him]. Answer his email. Say hello. You can be friends, ok!  Just want the best for you! LU" (that's 'Love You' in Dad).

Text convo with Mom, 2:45 p.m. ET

"Just saw [INSERT EX BOYFRIEND'S PARENTS]. They send their love."

"Great. Did you tell them I'm pretty, skinny and tan?"

"Absolutely!! They already knew.  Did you see the email I sent you with the Penn State ribbon I ordered? We Are!!"

HMOH DIY #721: chalk it up to a great table card display

I was inspired to be DIY crafty - of course, electronically for now since I haven't had the time to put a pencil to the paper, or in this case some chalk to the board.

I came across this cuteness from Shugabee Lane on Etsy.com - a great way to display your table cards for wedding guests ... or even post photos in your apartment.  I loved the vintage but clean look of it ... and challenge anyone to turn this into their own DIY.  If not, there's always the "Add to Cart" button.

• Magnetic Chalkboard Paint OR Magnetic Primer Paint and Base Coat Color
• 32x40 mirror with vintage inspired frame (going to have to get your shop on)
• Buttons (b/w)
• Acrylic Paint
• Magnet strips
• Hot glue gun/sticks

*I'd imagine.

1. At first I wanted to suggest that you pick out a magnetic chalkboard and go buy it.  But then I realized that chalkboard paint ... can be MAGNETIC.  So go ahead and get yourself a can of this; but make sure you can stick magnets to it and that it can be applied to glass.  An alternative is the magnetic primer which serves as a base coat before applying the color of your choice on top.
2. Take to the streets for fairs, antique shops or flea markets to find a vintage frame or mirror.  You can also check online on Craigs List or Etsy.  For a 32x40 outside and 24x36 inside frame will hold approximately 100 table cards.  
3. Clean the mirror and after a dry surface, paint or spray with chalkboard paint.  If you've bought instead the magnetic primer and base coat, follow instructions from your dude at Home Depot - but paint through your primer and let dry before applying the adequate amount of top coat.  Pay special caution to not drip too much on your frame.
4. Paint/spray the frame an antique white or ivory.  Let dry.
5. On to the buttons ... my mom always had a Stella Dora cookie bin filled with old buttons of any shape, size or color.  If you're not rummaging through old family bins then you can find antique-looking buttons in crafts stores or look to buy in bulk.  You're going to need about a hundred of these bad boys.
6. Apply cut magnet strip to back of button(s) with hot glue gun.  Get crafty, be unique.  Pile up, paint, etc.
7. Wow your guests and then take it home to your newlywed home when you're done.

I'll give credit where credit is due (most of the time) ...  if you're looking for a visual tutorial, check out CensationalGirl's project here.


-HMOH

1. always catch the clock at 11:11

best. tshirt. ever.
if i couldn't be the one to design it, i'll at least be the one to own it.

www.jacvanek.com