he said, she said #709: the last fling before the ring communications

We've all seen The Hangover.  We know there's a sequel in the works.  And we know that "27 Tuxedos" is off to a bachelor party this weekend to wreck havoc. 

So for our next he/said she said, we pondered the question - "Should the groom-to-be have to contact his bride during his bachelor weekend?  Same rules apply for a bachelorette?"

He said:  I’m departing for my fifth bachelor party of 2010 today.  Bienvenido a Miami muchachos.  There are few things sacred for men - Fantasy Sports, March Madness, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, Megan Fox, BBQ-ing, and any movie featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger or Dolph Lungren.  Maybe at the top of this exclusive list should reside, “Bachelor Parties.”  These are sacred times in which dudes get to do dudely things with no one judging their actions and share in mischief in the company of their closest bros.  Bachelor parties are guy paradise - and thus should never be infringed upon by any woman. 

Simply put, the answer to the question asked is a resounding "no".  To take it one step further, this should extend to not just the groom himself, but all guys attending the party.  Any healthy relationship can withstand two or three days sans communication.  In fairness, ladies should be granted the same courtesy on bachelorette parties. The significant other at home should not feel that he/she has the right to disturb the other person via phone, email or text communication. Leave them alone and let them enjoy the time away, carefree with their friends. Times that in your late-20’s and early 30’s are rare and sacred.

There’s really nothing worse then the kid who dips out every three hours to talk to his girlfriend/fiancé/wife during a bachelor party.  Even worse when he does it in front of the group.  I like to call this guy, “Buzzkill McGee.”  He should be forced to don a dunce cap to the bar or face some other public humiliation  - like wearing an Ed Hardy t-shirt out to the club. 

She said:  For one, I happen to think that when "27 Tuxedos" gets himself a lady friend he's going to think differently about not communicating for two to three days while away at his or another bachelor party.  I'm not saying it's because he wants to, I'm saying because he'll have to.  The dipping out every three hours and sentence to wear a bedazzled Ed Hardy is far less corporal punishment than a scorned girlfriend/fiancé/wife back home.  I'm a girl. I say that with full confidence.

As for us ladies and our bachelorette parties.  Kelsey's fiancé told her he was shutting off his phone because he didn't want to see any stupid drunk texts from her.  I'm not sure guys feel they have to worry about their brides-to-be when they're out and about celebrating the last fling before the ring - I've seen more girls make out with girls, than with some sleaze at the club that night.  And come to think of it, I've viewed quite a number of photo albums on Facebook of bachelorette parties ... yet seldom do you spend your work day perusing men at their "guy paradise".  

Blame Bradley Cooper, Tom Hanks or Christian Slater for their roles in Bachelor Party movies.  Blame Vegas for making the rule that what happens there, stays there.  Blame all the gals who have been cheated on in the past and now have trust issues. Just check in [INSERT NIKE SWOOSH].   Missy's husband forgot to contact her the entire bachelor party weekend in Vegas.  She had come up to NYC to be with her friends and keep her mind off the trouble him and his friends were getting into.  Lucky for her, her Dad had gone on the trip (he happened to stay up later than most of the younger fellows and go straight to breakfast) ... and was texting her throughout the weekend to ensure her the boys were well behaved and sleeping off the alcohol.  

HMOH tip #709 - Give your phone to the Best Man (or someone probably a little more reliable) and have him send your prerecorded text message at 1:00 a.m. :  "Baby, I would rather be with you than at this club right now ... the strippers are ugly and this prostitute and I are just going to talk about how much I love you instead. Be home soon."

then be prepared to come home with flowers and tell her it's ok if she doesn't text you during her bachelorette party.

-HMOH and "27 Tuxedos"

he said, she said #701: do you check the finger so as not to get the finger?

Happy July!  How we got to July, I'm not sure - but the long weekend is always welcome.  HMOH and "27 Tuxedos" have teamed up for their first "he said, she said."  He'll give his take, she'll give hers (and always think she's right).  


As a woman you will never know if a man's engaged.  He doesn't wear a scarlet letter saying he's taken a year before the nuptials (on the plus, girl's save three months' worth of paychecks).  But I know we take note of a wedding band first and foremost.  So I asked "27 Tuxedos" the question.  As a single guy, do you immediately check out a girl's hand before putting out the mojo all night? Seems it'd save you some time. Since daddy-macking it usually isn't a sure bet (in most respectable instances anyways), why not set your sights on someone without a sparkling finger?  

He said: You would think that a guy who’s been single for the better part of the last decade would be pretty savvy about checking out the hand.  For some reason though, this always seems to slip my mind (blame it on the alcohol).  Fortunately for the unattached, the big rock dangling off of her little finger is usually pretty noticeable.  So I can tell if you're engaged - but if it's not sitting next to the rock, spotting a wedding ring is a much more covert operation.  They trend smaller and are more easily confused with you know, an everyday piece of jewelry. 

I hate to say it (I like to believe I’m in my high school prime still), but I’ve clearly hit the age when I need to constantly be on the lookout for the dreaded ring.  The good news is that as I continue to get older, the crowd at the bars/lounges I frequent gets younger.  A higher percentage of younger girls should equate to a lower likelihood that the girl I’m creeping on is married or engaged. 

Having said all that, this exercise made me realize that it’s definitely time for me to get my ring-dar in check, and get better at honing in on the bling before I approach a new lady of intrigue.   There’s no worse feeling in the world than spending hours talking to a girl, "building a connection", and getting excited about what is about to happen ... only to have her drop the bomb on you that she’s in a relationship, or better yet a Mrs.  Before losing too much precious time, taking some bruises to the ego, and regretting any poor decision-making, check the left hand my friends.

She said: At the beach recently, in the midst of sweaty beach bars, shots of Soco and lime and creepers, a man approached my best friend, my married best friend.  She was just carrying on a conversation - he was putting on the moves.  She was just sitting there with a rock on her finger and he was figuring out when the best time to bring up "let's get out of here."  She was thinking in just two more hours it'd be great to get pizza, call her husband (who was at a bachelor party and strip club), and then get to bed at a decent hour of 5:00 a.m.  He was thinking - "if I put a sock on the door will my roommate be cool enough to sleep on the couch tonight?" She was ok with the attention - hey, you have to prove you've still got it.  


Later in the evening he got a little too close; she turned her head and put up her hand with the ring. Still, after turning his attention elsewhere for an hour or two, he'd keep popping back in to see if she was still married, or at least more intoxicated.  Onlookers (mainly our friends) were a little nervous that she'd be tempted to make bad decisions; I was confident that unless this guy had mozzarella cheese and sauce in his pocket, he didn't really stand a chance.

-HMOH and "27 Tuxedos"

27 Tuxedos Discovers: a wedding video can be a blockbuster

Join our new addition "27 Tuxedos" as he uncovers aspects of weddings that are surprisingly entertaining and exciting ...

As I continue to blaze upon the path to “27 Tuxedos” I figured it would be a good idea to share with you some of the discoveries that surface along the never-ending journey that is my wedding world tour.  The first of these will be somewhat surprising to most of you.  I learned (gasp), that a wedding video can be awesome.  Yes, you heard that right.  A six-plus hour video of drunken, uncoordinated morons dancing and making fools of themselves served as not just passable entertainment, but was actually the best thing I’ve watched on any screen all summer. 

                                                                                                           

My best friend just got married three weekends ago, where I served as Best Man.  I returned home to my apartment last weekend to find my roommate watching the hot off the presses DVD of said wedding.  To clarify, my roommate is:

a) a female

b) the sister of groom (my previous roommate)
c) a best friend

To make the situation even more incestuous, we live in the same NYC apartment building as her brother and his now wife, on the same floor.  We are at opposite direct ends of the hallway -so if we open our doors simultaneously, we are literally staring at each other.  The kicker is that my best friend’s wife (sister-in-law of my roommate) also helped her best friend get an apartment on the same floor of our building, literally the apartment next door to me.  So to recap: you have Bride, Groom, Best Man, Groom’s Sister/Bridesmaid and Maid of Honor all living within fifty feet of one another.  Take that Joey, Monica, Rachel and Chandler. 

Back to the wedding video.  Now, I normally would have no interest in watching one of these, mostly because one would assume they are unbelievably boring.  I mean I’m sure there are a few gems, but to voluntarily sit through (again) hours of creepy relatives, people babbling into the microphone, bad dancing, etc. sounds quite painful.  In this instance, however, I stopped to watch the video with my roommate because I remembered enough from the evening to know that there was going to be some comedy gold captured on the DVD.  I also figured it would be a cathartic act of self validation.  First by serving as proof that I was the best male dancer at the wedding, second to relive the magic of the phenomenal wedding band (which I brilliantly recommended to the couple), and lastly to remember just how amazing my 8+ minute opus of a speech was.  FYI, both the speech and the crowd reaction to it were better than I remembered, if I do say so myself. 

I figured I would just watch my speech and a few additional minutes of the video. I was instantly captivated by what was on the screen.  There was exceptional moment after exceptional moment, many of which hit new heights on the unintentional comedy meter.  It was like an episode of The Real World: Las Vegas, but with parents invited.  Several of the award-winning performances we discovered included:

• The groom’s sister (my roommate) jumping up and finger poking her brother/the groom's eye.  It was man down immediately - he had to remove himself from the dance floor to recover.  
• The groom’s mother being thrust into the air (after four failed attempts) by her best friend’s 22-year-old son, who happens to be more than twice her size.  It was like something out of a rehearsal outtake on Dancing with the Stars.
• The bride wiping out on the dance floor.  It was a classic moment of awkward, drunken white dancing with her more spastic groom.
• What was arguably the most impressive dance circle ever formed at a wedding, accompanied by the band’s rendition of Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean.”  I can’t even do justice to the five minutes worth of dance-offs, break dancing, Moon Walking, high leg kicks, etc.  If we posted it on YouTube I honestly believe the clip would reach a million hits within a week.
• The MVP-caliber performance of a kid who knew approximately eight people at the wedding, and hadn’t even seen the groom in like two years.  He managed to be at the center of nearly every major moment, including those that traditionally only involve immediate family and/or the Wedding Party. 
• My roommate, bridesmaid, sister-of-the-bride dominated on the comedy scale.  She spent the entire reception bouncing up and down with her arms flailing in the air like a drunken 80s aerobics instructor.  Amazingly, this move actually caught on and became so popular that she drafted minions throughout the night.  These impersonators followed her around doing the same exact bounce move like it was the Macarena of 2010. She also delivered a rambling, bizarre monologue into the camera that was like something out of a Christopher Guest movie.

Since I admittedly enjoy judging people, watching the video also provided a great outlet to weigh in on the performance of each wedding attendee.  I made a mental checklist of who stepped up their game, who barely got a passing grade, and who flunked the class.  I will be taking all of this into account when deciding the invitation final cut for my wedding circa 2023. 

I only made it through like 30 percent of the video (housed on 3 DVDs), but trust me this thing is legendary.  Sure, the entertainment value of a wedding video is dependent upon the amount of awesome present at reception.  If you're lucky to attend a wedding occasion (and play an important role) that moves like an unstoppable rebel force such as this one - I recommend you dedicate the next rainy Saturday on your couch with a bag of popcorn reliving your friends, family and loved ones making fools out of themselves. 

What better reality show could there be than your own?

- 27 Tuxedos

27 Tuxedos, "The Prequel"

I have known HMOH for quite some time – we’ve combined our last names, named our firstborn, created many a stir on a dance floor, and bonded over the fact that between the two of us, we’ve serviced a boatload of nuptials.  It’s why my sister deemed me “27 Tuxedos” and why I agreed to be a frequent voice on this site.  It’s an honor and a pleasure to be joining my homie HMOH for a little “he said, she said.”  I’m hoping to bring you an entertaining, insightful and relevant male opinion on many similar topics to those that you’ve come to know and love on this site. 

For my first foray into the blogosphere, I thought it would be appropriate to build upon that lovely introduction I was given a few days back, and discuss the genesis of how I got my street cred in the wacky world of weddings.  Much like The Godfather 2, Batman Begins, and Dumb & Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd, I figured any great story needs a prequel to explain the roots of its beginning. 

For me it all started in 2006, when I was asked to be a groomsman for the first time.  I barely knew what being a groomsman entailed at this point (escort a hot bridesmaid down the aisle (and maybe home), right?), let alone had any clue what responsibilities came with the job.  Nonetheless, I accepted his offer since a) it sounded like an honor, and b) my ego generally pushes me to accept any/all titles, responsibilities, and acknowledgments of excellence. 

From my acceptance to be a groomsman through the wedding weekend, I would get a quick boot camp style education in what this whole wedding process actually meant for anyone that wasn't the bride or groom.  I’ll break it down for you like this:

ENGAGEMENT PARTY

Attending the engagement party required me to buy a pointless gift off of a ridiculous registry, and then actually show up at the event. As I will detail further at a later date, I picked the most absurd items on the registry to give the couple - a meat cleaver and sausage stuffer.  Yes, those items were actually on the registry (hey, you ask and you shall receive).  At the party I was passed off from Aunt to Aunt, each who somehow knew me (I didn’t know any of them), who wanted to set me up with their daughter and/or daughter’s best friend.

BACHELOR PARTY

For the bachelor party – or last stand at being a free man – I had to travel to a foreign, French-speaking country you may know as Canada, and dropped hundreds of dollars on a Bachelor who wouldn’t even accept a lap dance at an all-nude strip club.  For the females, all-nude strip clubs are banned in almost all places/countries, hence why they are referred to as the “Holy Grail” and the reason many bachelor parties (or frat boys) will cross the border.  


Dinner was a reasonable (sarcasm) $250.  The party organizer, or shall we say scam artist, managed to scheme us into paying out of the group fund for his personal appetizer - a $150 seafood platter - and two expensive Cuban cigars for him.  My Petit Filet Mignon, side of mashed potatoes and two Captain and Cokes were certainly worth the two-fifty. 

WEDDING WEEKEND

Weeks after my cross-the-border bachelor party duties, the wedding weekend was upon us.  It began on Friday with the rehearsal dinner, but not before a traditional wedding run through beforehand.  Thankfully, for what would be the only time in my "27 Tuxedos" career to date, I was not responsible for giving a speech (they clearly didn’t appreciate my full potential). Instead, the evening involved me imbibing massive amounts of alcohol, more-so pondering who actually gets married at 25 years-old, and wondering why there were no cute and/or single women at this event. 

Saturday was the big day. For an 8:00 p.m. ceremony start time, I was asked to arrive at 3:30 p.m. (leaving a Mets/Yankees game early in the process) because we had to take pictures.  I learned that “taking pictures” involves the groomsmen sitting in a room with nothing to do for nearly four hours except for watching the Latino waitstaff laugh as I failed on the first six attempts to get my cufflinks on properly.

SIDENOTE: I was forced to stop at Men’s Warehouse on my way to the wedding reception to purchase a new tuxedo shirt (apparently the one I owned was not made to be worn with studs).   Why do studs exist and what dude makes his friends wear them?  I was also required to wear a cummerbund.  When I had gone to pick one up – the owner first laughed in my face and then told me I was the only person under the age of forty to ask for one in the last five years.

I got my first taste of “cupping an elbow” when the ceremony finally began and I did my strut down the aisle (I’ve perfected it at this point and can make any bridesmaid squeal at the professionalism of my elbow cup).  I partied the rest of the evening with not a care in the world- probably because I was extremely intoxicated because the cocktail hour was full of foods I don’t eat (shellfish, veggies, caviar).  I passed out that evening happy that my time of service to the Groom had finally ended …  at least what I thought was over until I got a wake-up call from another groomsman to head the Wedding Brunch together.  The early a.m. brunch was a trek across Manhattan and the reason I never wanted to see another wedding again for years.  

When all was said and done, my first go-round as a groomsman had done significant damage to both my bank account and my precious free time.  The final tally read something like this.  Seven days of my life gone to wedding-centric activities and around $1,500 of my hard-earned cash spent on sausage stuffers, Canadian strippers, and an unappetizing cocktail hour.  As a 25-year-old, it was extremely difficult to process with nothing to show for it.

AND HERE WE ARE …

Three years, 10+ weddings, three additional groomsman titles, one go as the Best Man, five bachelor parties, and thousands of dollars later, I’ve now become a wedding expert (potentially self-proclaimed).  For better or worse, I bare the scarlet letter that is “27 Tuxedos”. 

I have a crazy year ahead on the wedding circuit and look forward to sharing various stories, observations and anecdotes with you along the way. 

Any topics you want for me to impart my two sense on (I'm always up to offer my opinion), please email me here.

- 27 Tuxedos

introducing "27 Tuxedos"

Apologies ... I was a bit of a slacker last week.  Since I no longer have MOH duties, I guess you can say I've been off honeymooning (minus the diamond ring, husband, pampering and luxurious location).  


As a quick catch up:  It was a great weekend on Fire Island. It started with lying on the beach Friday and a call to my mother who is on vacation.  I told her I hoped I was doing exactly what she was doing.  She said "What? Making meatballs?"  


Fast forward to beach parties and dance parties, including but not limited to hula hooping on the dance floor.  Yesterday I enjoyed some quality time with my dad and little brothers.  In the spirit of thanking him for all he's given me - I wanted to acknowledge that I get some quality traits from the old man.  On our drive back into Manhattan I realized I inherited my "modesty" from Dad. He spent the two hour long trip stuck in traffic telling me how awesome he is.  


Today, Jay-Z and Eminem are currently setting up set on Letterman's roof next to my office building so I'll have an aerial view for the free concert later this afternoon.  I lost my voice, am still in need a full night's sleep, and if we're not asking too much here ... would like 24 hours with no responsibilities - this includes not having to feel responsible on behalf of the "tanning gifted" to wake up at 9 a.m. and be on the beach for optimal sunbathing time.  Sometimes I wish I didn't have olive skin and could accept being pale - I'd have less bags under my eyes.


Additionally, in the past few weeks two great couples (congrats Danielle/Jason and Charles/Sarah) have gotten engaged, taking my to-date total for 2011 wedding season to seven.  At least I know this blog isn't going anywhere any time soon.

In important news - I am psyched to announce that we have signed a frequent contributor to the HMOH to act as resident "Best Man".  Starting this week, 27 Tuxedos will serve as the male voice for this blog - providing tips and sarcasm alike about his experiences being a groomsman 27 too many times.  

He's hilarious and up for the challenge (though I'm not sure he is talented at scrapbooking).  When I asked him to share his bio so I could tell you readers why you need to hear from him - he shared the following creds:

• Best Man - 1x 
• Groomsman - 3x, three pending
• Four bachelor parties in eight weekends
• Three weddings this past May/June; three more in 2010
• Six to seven weddings invitations expected for May-July 2011
• Single

He's going to be an excellent addition, I know it ... mainly because I'm controlling and wouldn't have agreed to it unless I knew it'd be perfect.  Plus where would the MOH be without her Best Man?


Obviously guest bloggers are still encouraged and welcome, and if you have any questions or topics you want HMOH and/or 27 Tux to cover off on, please email them to us.


Bachelorette tonight. Nuff said.


-HMOH