4 days, 3 nights, 2 bachelorettes ...

• How come every time you have no where to go and all the evening at your fingertips to enjoy your mani/pedi, the lady rushes you out the door? and how come when you're in a rush and need to say - get back to the office - she takes her sweet ass time, perfectly crafts each nail and gives you the best massage ever? 
• and how come before you can leave on any kind of "for pleasure" vacation, you have to endure the worst work week(s) of your life?
• and ice cream isn't carbs, right?
• and how come - if it hadn't been done a million times before - the trip you planned months ago will inevitably end up a great screenplay for some bachelor/ette themed movie?

These were a few thoughts (besides "how do I quit and still get paid" and "hand me a margarita") I pondered before jetting out to this past week's Puerto Rico bachelorette bash. Before I get started, let me say hello to Jason, Danielle's fiancée.  Rest assured, we were all well-behaved.


The theme: "4 days, 3 nights, 2 bachelorettes, 1 hell of a good time" (I'm cheesy, deal).  The backstory: sorority sisters who met in college - Danielle and Ari are bridesmaids in each other's weddings (1 month apart) and it was time to combine bridal party forces and take ourselves to the Caribbean.  Eight girls headed down to get their bachelorette party on.


And while we all came back with our teeth, their fiancées and most of our dignity, what did happen was something only an HMOH bachelorette party could bring:

• Try arriving at the airport to find your 6:45 am flight had been cancelled, then watching as one f'ing American Airlines agent pretended she was about to rebook and help the 100 people who'd gathered in line,
• Frantically dialing your friend who was supposed to pick you up in a cab for the airport but clearly overslept .. and missed the flight (no worries, she' d manage to get down later),
• Sitting besides a 300 lb snoring man and an old lady with no eyebrows who smelled like she rolled around in Downy after smoking her fifth pack of the day,
• Arriving in the hotel lobby after a crazy ass morning only to be greeted by 1) rain and 2) the bachelorette's ex-boyfriend and his current girlfriend  ...  who of course planned a romantic getaway on the same weekend,
• Torrential downpours each day from noon through the evening (apparently Puerto Rico has a rainy season ... and tanning salons, just saying),
• A "bed bug" incident which in turn led to an exterminator, two "very full" mosquitoes and a room switch,
• A taxi driver who played his YouTube music videos (and sounded like he'd be castrated) to the back seat and swore on his life he plays often at Madison Square Garden … you know, and drives a Puerto Rican taxi for fun on weekends,
• Saki bombs, Puerto Rican style,
• Waking up in your hotel room to the sound of a pigeon cooing in your ear (I'm still 65% certain it happened in real life),
• A bachelorette leaving the dinner table to puke because she was too hungover to eat her $60 filet mignon,
• Finding out we were taken off the return flight because of our "no show" on the cancelled leg from Friday,

... and the kicker, after sorting it all out ... 

• Arriving safely in New York and being asked to sit back down after gathering luggage from our overhead bins (carefully, as some items may have shifted).  Then watching as four officers walked to the exit row, instructed a man and his girlfriend to grab their carry-on (they almost took a friend's before we insisted it wasn't theirs), and then following outside where he was handcuffed and she was interrogated.  Yep, we walked to baggage claim with the criminal and his police escorts, full on CSI-style.

With sun each morning from 8am to noon, a tan, a Facebook friend request from one Pedro Juan, etc. and endless dirty martinis (extra dirty) ... a good time had by all. 

So, if you're planning to host a Bachelorette party in the area, steer clear of two things: May and American Airlines.  That said, here are some HMOH recommendations (note: due to weather, we did not really leave the vicinity):

1. Stay at: El San Juan or La Concha
2. Eat at:  La Concha's Perla Restaurant
3. Party at:  Brava (Saturday night, you'll need your high school ID for Friday)
4. Best place for makeshift pickle back shots (read: Jameson + pickle juice):  Brother Jimmy's @ ESJ
5. Best place for extra dirty martinis:  Anywhere old married men are seated and will buy them for you
6. Best thing to do when it rains all day:  See 4 and 5
7. Best way to entertain yourselves:  Watch this clip and have your less than sober friends reenact it ALL. DAY. LONG.

-HMOH

HMOH - urgent assistance needed

There's a lot of careful planning that goes into a Bachelorette party.  Trust me, I'm a pro.  Once the details are in order and the final cost is sent to the group, you can always expect a few ungratefuls are going to write back with why they don't owe you the $50 for this, and blah blah. Then you have the ones who sign up and the day before the check is due back out.  The group, mainly the bachelorettes planning the soirée, are then stuck paying their share or trying to figure out a way to divvy it up among the group. Of course, there can then be times when you get the details for said bachelorette party and just can't fathom being a part of it.  So you reach out to HMOH and she tells you do what she does best.  You think up all the reasons why you possibly couldn't attend in the 11th hour and hope for the best.  See below.
______________________

From:  HMOH

Date: Fri, Jul 16, 2010 at 12:38 PM

Subject: RE:  HMOH - Urgent Assistance Needed.
To:  Friend of HMOH

Lame. I don't think you need to offer an explanation - just say you're not able to attend - it's not a pre-paid party so you won't piss any MOHs off.  Just say that you regretfully can't make it and hope she'll send her love to the bride.

Just don't be seen on Jen*'s porch.

-HMOH

p.s. I took the liberty of inserting commentary into your forwarded email.  See below.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

______________________

From:  Friend of HMOH

Date:  Fri, Jul 16, 2010 at 12:36 PM

Subject:  HMOH - Urgent Assistance Needed

To: HMOH

Jen* is the bride and my boyfriend is best man.  I dutifully attended shower.  Don't think bachelorette (see details below) is for me - I love her, but all the girls attending grew up together. How do I say no?

---------- Forwarded message ---------- From: Party Planner
Date: Fri, Jul 16, 2010 at 12:07 PM Subject: Get Ready for a Good Time: Jen's Bachelorette Party To: Friends

Hello Kids (HMOH: If you ask me, this party is worse than the ceramics bday parties I used to throw back in the day),

I hope you're ready for a good time (HMOH:  I see you use the term 'good time' loosely).  I just wanted to send out a final reminder for the party tomorrow (HMOH:  You call this a party??).  I've tweaked plans a little to maximize the fun (and the ability to partake in alcoholic beverages without having a designated driver). (HMOH:  hmmmm ...)

Here's the scoop: WHERE: Bride-to-Be's House/Porch (HMOH:  ohhhhh, a porch?  Chick is going to spend the rest of her life on that porch.  Get out and have a good time!)
WHEN: 5 PM for pre-dinner drinks and catching up 
WHY: Because we love her (and you want to see what fun surprises I have up her sleeve ;) (HMOH: ;) )

The plan is:

• Pre-dinner porch drinks (bride doesn't know who is coming, so it'll be a chance for her to be surprised, start to catch up) (HMOH:  Bride wouldn't show up if you told her you were hosting her last fling before the ring on a porch. Trust me.)
• Dinner at a restaurant in town 
• A scavenger hunt plotting the bride's romantic history (don't worry, it'll take less than an hour and there will be plenty of drinking, laughing, and reminiscing about old scandals ;),
• Back to the porch for the special bachelorette surprise (you know you want to see it ;)  (HMOH: but do I really??)

This should take us to approximately 10 PM (HMOH: gasp), at which point we can decide how intoxicated everyone is/if we want to end the night at the bar (for old times sake). (HMOH: End the night at the bar? Why don't we just spend some more time on that porch?)

P.S. Everyone will only be responsible for paying for dinner and any drinks they want while we're at dinner ;)  We've got the rest covered.   (HMOH:  In fairness to this group, this is a really awesome deal.)

If anyone needs to crash at Jen's, just let me know.  Her roommate said we're all more than welcome to crash.  And her fiancé will be gone.  The more the merrier (even if you live just a few blocks away, you may want to do it circa 7th grade style). (HMOH:  If I got married in 7th grade, my bachelorette party would likely be cooler than this.)


Can't wait to see you all tomorrow!
Party Planner 

he said, she said #709: the last fling before the ring communications

We've all seen The Hangover.  We know there's a sequel in the works.  And we know that "27 Tuxedos" is off to a bachelor party this weekend to wreck havoc. 

So for our next he/said she said, we pondered the question - "Should the groom-to-be have to contact his bride during his bachelor weekend?  Same rules apply for a bachelorette?"

He said:  I’m departing for my fifth bachelor party of 2010 today.  Bienvenido a Miami muchachos.  There are few things sacred for men - Fantasy Sports, March Madness, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, Megan Fox, BBQ-ing, and any movie featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger or Dolph Lungren.  Maybe at the top of this exclusive list should reside, “Bachelor Parties.”  These are sacred times in which dudes get to do dudely things with no one judging their actions and share in mischief in the company of their closest bros.  Bachelor parties are guy paradise - and thus should never be infringed upon by any woman. 

Simply put, the answer to the question asked is a resounding "no".  To take it one step further, this should extend to not just the groom himself, but all guys attending the party.  Any healthy relationship can withstand two or three days sans communication.  In fairness, ladies should be granted the same courtesy on bachelorette parties. The significant other at home should not feel that he/she has the right to disturb the other person via phone, email or text communication. Leave them alone and let them enjoy the time away, carefree with their friends. Times that in your late-20’s and early 30’s are rare and sacred.

There’s really nothing worse then the kid who dips out every three hours to talk to his girlfriend/fiancé/wife during a bachelor party.  Even worse when he does it in front of the group.  I like to call this guy, “Buzzkill McGee.”  He should be forced to don a dunce cap to the bar or face some other public humiliation  - like wearing an Ed Hardy t-shirt out to the club. 

She said:  For one, I happen to think that when "27 Tuxedos" gets himself a lady friend he's going to think differently about not communicating for two to three days while away at his or another bachelor party.  I'm not saying it's because he wants to, I'm saying because he'll have to.  The dipping out every three hours and sentence to wear a bedazzled Ed Hardy is far less corporal punishment than a scorned girlfriend/fiancé/wife back home.  I'm a girl. I say that with full confidence.

As for us ladies and our bachelorette parties.  Kelsey's fiancé told her he was shutting off his phone because he didn't want to see any stupid drunk texts from her.  I'm not sure guys feel they have to worry about their brides-to-be when they're out and about celebrating the last fling before the ring - I've seen more girls make out with girls, than with some sleaze at the club that night.  And come to think of it, I've viewed quite a number of photo albums on Facebook of bachelorette parties ... yet seldom do you spend your work day perusing men at their "guy paradise".  

Blame Bradley Cooper, Tom Hanks or Christian Slater for their roles in Bachelor Party movies.  Blame Vegas for making the rule that what happens there, stays there.  Blame all the gals who have been cheated on in the past and now have trust issues. Just check in [INSERT NIKE SWOOSH].   Missy's husband forgot to contact her the entire bachelor party weekend in Vegas.  She had come up to NYC to be with her friends and keep her mind off the trouble him and his friends were getting into.  Lucky for her, her Dad had gone on the trip (he happened to stay up later than most of the younger fellows and go straight to breakfast) ... and was texting her throughout the weekend to ensure her the boys were well behaved and sleeping off the alcohol.  

HMOH tip #709 - Give your phone to the Best Man (or someone probably a little more reliable) and have him send your prerecorded text message at 1:00 a.m. :  "Baby, I would rather be with you than at this club right now ... the strippers are ugly and this prostitute and I are just going to talk about how much I love you instead. Be home soon."

then be prepared to come home with flowers and tell her it's ok if she doesn't text you during her bachelorette party.

-HMOH and "27 Tuxedos"

HMOH tip #519: predame at a pregame? why not?

Pregame. Prebar. Get Together.  Look Hot Because An Ex Will Be There.  Predame.  You call it what you want.  But check out this site sent to me by reader Suzanne.  What a great idea for an NYC bachelorette party kick-off, birthday party or just a night on the town!!


If it wasn't the concept of a Predame that caught me  [NOTE: before becoming a professional bridesmaid I was a professional college dorm room make-up artist, personal shopper and "closet for rent"] - it was the witty definition by creator Stephanie Syat:


pre-dame [pri-deym] v. : to gather with friends and get ‘glammed up’ prior to attending an event. this beautification process usually involves the ingestion of alcoholic beverages (optional). 
a. "OMG my ex is gonna be at the party tonight. we definitely have to pre- dame!" 
b. "erica totally should’ve pre-damed with us. did you see that lip color?"
c. "i’m gonna be late to the pre-dame but I have to look fierce. can you whip out a 
    five minute smoky eye?”


Learn more on the site about how to host a Predame party - and let me know what you think!

-HMOH

a bachelorette partini

Apparently while I was out of office (OOO) yesterday my team met to discuss the weekly to-dos.  Why I wasn't in that day came into question - did it make sense to take an extra day off for a bachelorette weekend?  A supervisor commented that if everyone had seen the photos on Facebook they'd know it was for the best (whoops).  I - for one - haven't taken vacation in a while. I got up Monday am (bright and early) and caught up on four consecutive episodes of Mad Men.  I decided to go for a run and attempt to sweat off the excessive amounts of cheese I'd consumed (you'll see).  It never seizes to amaze me who roams the streets during the work week day - like, what do you do for a living and how come you're running at 2pm?  Were you in AC this weekend and needed the extra day too? I went for a run by the East River where I took in the local scenes of homeless bums, Upper East Side nannies with their bugaboos, and one peculiar man tweezing hair from his chin.  Love was in the air, the kind of love Justin Beiber sings about - 14-year-olds fiercely making out on the park bench and getting it all in before they have to head home for dinner.


If I'm going to be honest - they definitely didn't want me in the office yesterday.  The weekend was a blast, but I'm getting too old for all night  benders that result in me sending myself home because the twentieth person in heels (I left at midnight to don flats and then returned to the club to dance) stomped on my foot and brought me to tears.


Saturday - Let the Partini Begin
The theme - a bachelorette partini - taking the bride to her roots of the Jersey Shore.  GTL before the weekend (no seriously, it happened) and then prepare for when eighteen girls, a majority sorority sisters, make their way to the Borgata for the night.

We reserved a number of rooms plus the bachelorette suite (bless the cleaning lady who tried to steal my iPod, she probably deserved it).  While the groom's sister was off "babysitting" the bride, the rest of us got to work decorating, picking up the dinner, smuggling alcohol and cookie cakes into the room and trying to figure out how the penis confetti made its way into the dip ["That's what she said"].


Guests arrived relatively on time and the party started in the room (we turned the sinks into coolers, the bathtub into a balloon heaven and garbage pails into wine buckets). Since the bride was from out of town and couldn't take all the gifts back, we instructed guests to have the present sent to the couple and to bring a print out and bow to make the fun bouquet for rehearsal dinner.  This cut down on time spent opening presents [score]. This request also resulted in a party foul when a guest that couldn't make it ruined the aw factor via gift card saying "Have Fun in AC."


... fast forward a few hours of sweatbox dancing (the kind I promised the girl at the dress store I wouldn't do) ... and the evening culminated in a cheese eating binge fest in the after hours suite.  Some friends had broken into the suite with hot-pressed cheese sandwiches in tow.  While pocketing the various slabs of cheese from an appetizer platter and patting themselves on the back for being so secretive, they hazily left the room - and their hot sandwiches behind.


Imagine my surprise when I returned to the room crying and limping from a fatal foot injury to find a pepperoni and cheese sandwich waiting for me - still warm.  I was with Sarah, a doctor, who assured me that the sandwich was put there by an angel to help my foot feel better.  And it did.  I didn't feel so much better the next morning when my conscience kicked in  ... so it was probably better to have taken the next day off ... 


-HMOH

HMOH tip #502: lingerie and family matters

Just successfully washed the Jersey filth off my tired self.  With the amount of cheese and party snacks I've consumed in the past few days (including the fat-free Borgata Buffet we all ate before hitting the road this morning), I'm giving up food for the next few weeks to guarantee I fit into my bridesmaid dress. We'll see how successful I am at it, since every time I make this pledge I can pull off the anorexic thing from Monday morning until Monday's lunch.  If I do say so myself (and I do) - from planning to execution, this past bachelorette weekend was awesome and provided some content for the upcoming week at HMOH.


Friday Night - BMO ("Bridesmaids Only")
We planned an intimate dinner at hot spot Macondo and planned to surprise the bride-to-be with some lingerie.  Who else to get you some sexy apparel for the "big night" but your closest friends and family?

The guest of honor walked away with some respectable (and some not) pieces for a busy honeymoon, as well as some beer-flavored pasties.  Not to be outdone - and because the thought of her brother as the audience for these get-ups - bridesmaid (and little sister) Abbe specially ordered this chenille, cheetah print one piece:

Racey number - huh?  Sorta like the only piece of lingerie you'd allow your dad to get your mother.  Lucky for everyone these Jumpin Jammerz come in every size and print and are available as matching sets for the whole family.  If you ask me (and probably because I just spent a weekend making a million "That's what she said" references), the Web site looks like a low budget escort service and the logo resembles some of the baked goods I made as party favors.

So this here is a gift idea for all the sisters who may be a little squeamish thinking about their brother in the bedroom, and are looking to contribute to the bride's lingerie drawer without causing uncomfortable nightmares for themselves.  

Problem here is Kelsey is convinced her fiance (and Abbe's brother) is going to want to take this off her quickly ... so he can put it on himself.  

-HMOH

HMOH weekend sign off

I'm calling it the weekend already and signing off until Monday, when I hope the majority of guests will have returned with their pride and dignity not too far behind them.



-HMOH

and what did you do tonight?

no seriously, what'd you do tonight?

-HMOH

let the countdown begin.

It's Wednesday, I may or may not have a slight wine-induced headache, and I'm about over the work week and ready for the weekend.  Except this weekend is Kelsey's highly anticipated bachelorette party.  location - TBA.  itinerary - TBA. headcount - more than you think.


it's been a while since my crew of gals wrecked havoc together - because we're older and more mature (LIE).  we actually coordinated a throwback college reunion recently where after non-stop binge drinking and 3:00 am cheese platter indulging, I found myself at a bar on a Sunday being told "knock, knock" jokes by a 45-year-old divorcée.  


anyways - I can't wait to share details, stories and how it all came together ... but for now, let the countdown begin.


-HMOH

seriously, a tea kettle? let me break it down for you (again)

With summer weddings just around the corner, many of the upcoming weekends will be spent at bachelorette parties and bridal showers (or a combination of the two).  That means you're combing the registries and deciding what you're going to sign on to buy.  I pulled a classic the other day when I ordered a bridal shower gift and realized 5 minutes after my credit card had been charged that I already bought one for that couple.  Apparently for me - money ain't a thang.


Here are a few thoughts that may or may not have crossed my mind (and others like reader, Jessica) when it comes to registries, bridal showers, bachelorettes, etc.  Feel free to add your own in the comment section.


REGISTRY/GIFT BUYING

• Hmmm, I love you so much - but not $300 worth much.  So I hope you are cool with me purchasing one fork, one knife and half a spoon.  I'll pray your rich aunt and uncle get you the rest of the set - otherwise, you may want to hold off on dinner parties for a little.
• Oh yea, because you're going to actually be baking something with this cake tray.  I lived with you in college - the only thing you know how to bake you can't register for. 
• A tea kettle?  Is a tea kettle seriously the only thing on here that's left for me to order?  Well I hope every morning, when you take your hot, freshly brewed teacup to your porch swing, you think of me and how much you owe me.
• Man, I could really use a new Kate Spade knife set too.  When is it cool to register yourself without being engaged?  

BRIDAL SHOWERS

• Ohhhh awesome white plate.  Woowwww, amazing serving dish.  A silver heart picture frame - how DID you know?  
• Only 16 more presents to unwrap, display, and call out who bought it  ... shouldn't be too much longer.

BACHELORETTE PARTY

• I hope the "Mini Pecker" party trays I ordered are big enough for the snacks we got.  Another example. Size does matter.
• I'm going to try to keep this classy so that nothing too incriminating lands on Facebook.  But seriously, I'm totally due for a new profile pic. 
• Don't plan to wear this new dress again.  It's going to be tagged all over the 'book and so I can't be seen in it in the near future ... at least not for the next few months. 

[SIDENOTE:  While purchasing my new outfit for Kelsey's bachelorette party this coming weekend, I tried on a dress that I loved.  I did the test - you know the one where you throw your hands in the air and jump around to see if your ass will hang out?  Well it nearly passed the test. The saleswoman was like "I mean, don't worry - will you really be dancing like that?" Um, YES - but I said "No, of course not." and bought it anyways.]