it's the little things that count ... at your wedding

There are times that I'm not certain how I become somewhat connected ... and how I can say that a reader (and friend of a friend) was a member of this "eccentric" couple's wedding party:

Yea, so ... let's discuss.  What I'm still more confused about is how this bride let these shenanigans go down on her big day.  No midget, I mean little person, is going to outshine me as the bride. Hell, I can't imagine I'd agree to this (I meannnn, maybe a choreographed dance or something) without being roofied by my groom-to-be or promised a serious upgrade on my ring and second honeymoon by our one year anniversary.  But I've been informed by my sources that there was also a little person at the bride's bachelorette and FIVE (yep, five) bridal showers, not including the bar crawl in honor of this lady.  Apparently she has a fondness for torturing her friends and midgets.  Dear Bride, I mean this with the utmost respect, as you are a friend of a friend of a friend. 


And Dear Groom, I'm thinking by your wedding reception it's about time to wipe the slate clean of all the other things that have been up your wife's skirt.


Of course the douchiest Web site of them all - Barstool Sports - ate this up, and I'll admit I had to lower the volume on my work computer as the porn music began to play and I began to giggle.  Regardless, I hope this garter retrieval helped get you through this Hump Day.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say this thing makes it way through the internet fast ... that this wedding took place in New Jersey, and that I have plenty of a gentleman friends who would want to upstage this couple. 

So I ask - would you allow this at your reception?  Leave thoughts, comments, chuckles, shout outs to your fave little person, etc. below.

-HMOH

SIDENOTE: sh*t my dad texts

NOTE: Names (except for Mom and Dad), have been changed to protect the innocent. - HMOH

Text convo with Dad, 10:00 a.m. ET

"Good morning, HMOH (sidenote to sidenote: no, he doesn't really call me that. Like I said, I'm protecting the innocent.). How are you? Just dropped by to say hello and that I love you and wish you a great day! Also want to ask if you received a message from my banker friend [NAME].  He is a good looking kid. He is also a Virgo like you. Give him a shot, you will like him. Love you. Dad"

"Hi Dad. Doing well! How are you doing? Love you lots - and scared you're playing matchmaker."

"Don't be scared. I'm just thinking of you.  He is a good kid ... you might like him. Really good looking! ... [INSERT OTHER ADJECTIVES ... my Dad is clearly into him]. Answer his email. Say hello. You can be friends, ok!  Just want the best for you! LU" (that's 'Love You' in Dad).

Text convo with Mom, 2:45 p.m. ET

"Just saw [INSERT EX BOYFRIEND'S PARENTS]. They send their love."

"Great. Did you tell them I'm pretty, skinny and tan?"

"Absolutely!! They already knew.  Did you see the email I sent you with the Penn State ribbon I ordered? We Are!!"

HMOH DIY #721: chalk it up to a great table card display

I was inspired to be DIY crafty - of course, electronically for now since I haven't had the time to put a pencil to the paper, or in this case some chalk to the board.

I came across this cuteness from Shugabee Lane on Etsy.com - a great way to display your table cards for wedding guests ... or even post photos in your apartment.  I loved the vintage but clean look of it ... and challenge anyone to turn this into their own DIY.  If not, there's always the "Add to Cart" button.

• Magnetic Chalkboard Paint OR Magnetic Primer Paint and Base Coat Color
• 32x40 mirror with vintage inspired frame (going to have to get your shop on)
• Buttons (b/w)
• Acrylic Paint
• Magnet strips
• Hot glue gun/sticks

*I'd imagine.

1. At first I wanted to suggest that you pick out a magnetic chalkboard and go buy it.  But then I realized that chalkboard paint ... can be MAGNETIC.  So go ahead and get yourself a can of this; but make sure you can stick magnets to it and that it can be applied to glass.  An alternative is the magnetic primer which serves as a base coat before applying the color of your choice on top.
2. Take to the streets for fairs, antique shops or flea markets to find a vintage frame or mirror.  You can also check online on Craigs List or Etsy.  For a 32x40 outside and 24x36 inside frame will hold approximately 100 table cards.  
3. Clean the mirror and after a dry surface, paint or spray with chalkboard paint.  If you've bought instead the magnetic primer and base coat, follow instructions from your dude at Home Depot - but paint through your primer and let dry before applying the adequate amount of top coat.  Pay special caution to not drip too much on your frame.
4. Paint/spray the frame an antique white or ivory.  Let dry.
5. On to the buttons ... my mom always had a Stella Dora cookie bin filled with old buttons of any shape, size or color.  If you're not rummaging through old family bins then you can find antique-looking buttons in crafts stores or look to buy in bulk.  You're going to need about a hundred of these bad boys.
6. Apply cut magnet strip to back of button(s) with hot glue gun.  Get crafty, be unique.  Pile up, paint, etc.
7. Wow your guests and then take it home to your newlywed home when you're done.

I'll give credit where credit is due (most of the time) ...  if you're looking for a visual tutorial, check out CensationalGirl's project here.


-HMOH

1. always catch the clock at 11:11

best. tshirt. ever.
if i couldn't be the one to design it, i'll at least be the one to own it.

www.jacvanek.com

SIDENOTE: HMOH MIA

It's Monday, which could mean only one thing. Day spent catching up on weekend engagements, bridal showers, bach parties and weddings on Facebook.  It reminded me that I have a blog I haven't written on in forever.  Not ok, I said ... and thus I'm making my comeback mid-July.  The past few weeks have been uber busy with work, travel, wasted hours watching The Bachelorette, etc.  


Despite saying all weekend that I should move to Chicago - if there's ever a time to be in love with this concrete jungle, it's summertime in the city.  A mere attempt at sunbathing on the Hudson River yesterday didn't exactly go as planned. [CUE SCENE] While keeping a close eye on the bees busily humming around my head - ugly, disgusting bird torpedoes across my blanket and Hiroshima/Nagasaki's a heeping wad of shit on my leg; panicked sunbather (me) screams, jumps up, runs for napkin at hotdog vendor, notices she's knocked her water bottle into her purse which is now dripping;  wallet, blackberry, etc. soaking wet.  


Seems rather unlucky to me - but let me drop some thoughts on you like that bird did on me:

• The Bachelorette is awful ... and yet, similar to when I catch myself staring at 16 year olds with babies and a "boyfriend" on the subway train and wondering if they're happier than me ... I can't look away.  
• My exit from the world for a little while was dictated by a big event I was managing down at the ESSENCE Music Festival.  New Orleans. Fourth of July. Mary J. Kanye. Usher. Little to no white girls from New York.  As the token vanilla on the team for this one (my dad being born in Africa and Sicilian genes gave me a slight edge), I had some initiation rights and lessons-learned ... but after learning to wobble and holding my own for a longggg weekend, I'm in.  The trip ended in great results, an honorary black card, a 17-hour nap, a promotion and the honor of getting a flash mob under my belt.  Check it out here (client).
• Seems like every weekend I look to book something for the remainder of the summer/fall and am stopped with the pen strokes indicating a bridal shower or bachelorette party or wedding.  Guys don't fully or truly understand the extent of ridiculous that goes down at these lady-clad events.  The poems about panties (I shudder at the word), the awkward questions asked in front of moms and mother-in-laws to be, the intense game of wedding bingo ... or you know - the ever popular -  "toilet paper wedding dress" competition.  

• As a coworker and I boarded the World Yacht around Manhattan last week, I watched her pull out her electronic bucket list, cross an item off with a photo that she then posted to her "Bucket List" Facebook album.  I decided I'm going to need a bucket list, too.  It's like when I sat pretending not to care that my childhood friend was opening the present my mom bought her for a birthday and knowing that I deserved that Magic Nursery Baby more than her.  Clearly I haven't matured much - but stay tuned for my "Thirty before Thirty" list.  1) Make a bucket list

In the meantime, I'll stick to my short term to-dos since there's not much time.  For starters, I'd like to introduce myself to the inside of a gym.

-HMOH

seriously Facebook?  ummmm that's why I want this photo uploaded.

SIDENOTE: hehe and other creepy things

yea, so sidenote:

• Just like Mother Earth decided she wasn't too much into spring this year, I've decided that I really can't get behind clog sandals and men wearing any of the following:  cell phone clips, class rings or "man sandals" (see right).
• Seriously, let's avoid "hehe" while im-ing.  It's creepy and I'm not quite sure how to respond to your giggle.
• I'm proud to admit I cried during Meredith's last day.  Quit judging.
• Caught an episode of Wheel of Fortune last evening.  As I bought a vowel from the treadmill I solved the "I'M HAVING A REALLY GOOD DAY" phrase. Seems they've run out of puzzles ... and smart people to spin that wheel.
• Have you ever walked into the restroom and known that you interrupted someone's poop.  Like they walked in, let out a sigh of relief that the coast was clear, got started ... and then you walk in.  Are you supposed to apologize?
• The Hamptons, although a perfectly good time, is just another way for rich people to show they're better than you.  For example, the 11 bedroom monstrosity rented by the socially retarded, retired (definition: laid off in from finance) 37-year-old that I, along with friends, was invited to.  What did the NYC gals who rent studio apartments that you can cook from your bed do?  We entertain ourselves in the orchid room, that's a room dedicated to orchids (estimated retail value: $2,500 worth of stems) and shout orders to the imaginary wait staff.  hehe
• Know what the coolest job next to naming nail polishes is?  Designing the GOOGLE for each morning's page.  Today's genius instruments - um, genius.  And what will they think of tomorrow?   A friend educated me about a History Channel special he walked on the dedicated team of 15 people who doodle for a living. Um, I can doodle! Get me in.
• Toe nails should be shorter than any fingernails. Just saying slash dry heaving.

I'm going to need a weekend. And stat.

-HMOH