SIDENOTE: hear no evil, see no evil, text no evil

Seen in NYC:  Took in the gorgeous day yesterday ... in a 4 second walk around the block ... and indulged in (then regretted) the start of Mr. Softee season. Later in the evening I spotted one of soft-serve's finests in Union Square serving up his swirls and rocking a shirt that said "Masturbation is not a crime." Seriously only in NYC is that not a crime. You know what is a crime, Mr. Softee and masturbation in the same sentence.


Seen at a recent bridal shower: These two items are so cute/unique and I thought I'd share for the millions like me with various (read: one every weekend) upcoming bridal showers and weddings.

Personalized Alphabet Photo Art - Insert Couples New Last Name

Just Married Flip Flops  - Leave a "Just Married" trail on your walk down the beach

Ridiculous Text Message: "... Are we too old for this? My Husband: Did you forget anything at home you need for your trip before I come get you? Me: Yes, My Little Pony. Please grab that for me.  Husband: Your what?"


Out of Control Text Message:  "I owe you an explanation for not calling since we met on the train.  I'm kinda stuck in this gray area with a girl I've been dating for a while and haven't really wanted to get involved anywhere else until it all is figured out.  I think you're cute, seem really funny and I'm crazy impressed with your China trip.  If you're wondering why I haven't followed up, just pls don't second guess yourself. Maybe when things settle down again we could get together." No second guessing here buddy, promise. 


Looking forward to riding out the week and neglecting my duties at the gym ... then packing up for a much-needed besties trip down in H-town this weekend. Have to make sure I don't forget my My Little Pony.  My husband isn't going to be available to bring it to me prior to my flight ... 


-HMOH

SIDENOTE: excuse me

I could sit here and give you a million excuses (slash real reasons) for having taken a break for the past weeks.  It comes down to long hours at the office, and quite frankly, not being in the mood.  Sue me, or just accept my apology (which I realize I didn't really give). The excuses, however, are quite the segue into the theme of today's post and all the amazing ways I've seen things justified (NOTE: from myself and others) recently.

• An HMOH is allowed to throw herself a bridal party pity party. It's ok to sulk in the countless hours planning other people's happiness.  I would at least be considerate and invite everyone with a + 1 to this soiree.

•  Laundry = exercise. You know the classic Wonder Years song  "I Get By with a Little Help From my Friends" (yes, my love of all things Kevin Arnold trumps The Beatles). Well, I also get fat with a little help from my friends. Skipping the elliptical is fine. Bending down to put clothes in the washer equals crunches and folding laundry is a sick arm workout.  Why not have clean underwear and buns of steal? 

• Serves Him Right.  
• "I've decided that since NAME is unavailable to date, I'm going to sleep with OTHER NAME this weekend."
• "Well, serves NAME right."

• Match.com is to find my "Mr. Right". Match.com is actually to find "Mr. Yea Right" and pass along ridiculous messages to brighten your friend's day.  Like this one introductory email in response to "How was your weekend?"  ... 

• "Had to go to Patient First for a blood pressure check (getting older sucks) that ended up taking 3.5 hours so I didn't get any work done so now instead of watching basketball I have to throw in a little tax work." Seriously player? That's what you've got?

Alright folks, no more excuses.  I'm down to apply myself to the blog.  This little bad boy's first birthday is coming up soon and I'm thinking about doing something special.

-HMOH

Later random spring hail storms and snowy windshields, hello 85 and sunny.

you know, you know

Sometimes I know - other times thought I knew, but didn't.  Sometimes it's kind of like a big WTF.  But there are a few things I know right now:

• I seriously miss cheese.
• The black hole that is "Winter Turns To Spring" has got my writer's block in full effect.
• There's power in birds chirping and sunlight shining, even if you have to wear your winter jacket a little longer.
• Nail polish is probably the best invention ever ... next to, of course, the grilled cheese press that pockets the cheese into perfect little triangles. 
• You have the power to control only the things you can control. Take control.
• I made an impression on the gyro shop owner in Baltimore.  He had my order down pat by the second night I rolled in there at 4 a.m. I'm not sure yet if I'm proud or disgusted.
• Starting this weekend with a trip to Miami, followed by monthly migrations to warmer climates ... I likely won't be pale again until October.  
• I forgot to be anorexic for this early entry into bathing suit season.

And (thanks again, Just B) in a long story not so short, here's an adorable example of "sometimes, when you know ... you just know."

-HMOH


p.s. anyone else wondering how big this envelope was?

you know what day it is ...

we we we so excited.  come on, you know what day it is.  i've been waiting for it since tuesday.





and in case you didn't know what yesterday was, or what tomorrow is. or that sunday comes afterwarddddssssss. you do now.


cheers to the weekend, this fool rapper who is about to get beat up on the bball courts,  and not having to make difficult teenage decisions anymore like which seat to take while your friend who couldn't possibly own a legal license drives a sweet as* convertible ... 


-HMOH

sidenote: who cut the cheese?

Happy Fat Tuesday folks!  Yet another special day to celebrate being fat. A holiday much of America partakes in daily - and for me, my last hoorah with cheese.  That's right, you read it correctly ... and if you've known me for years you read it again.  Starting tomorrow, no cheese for 40 days. Slimming down in the name of god ... I'm selfless like that. Haven't been to church in ages, but the man above understands my commitment [read: trip to Miami and upcoming bachelorette bash in Puerto Rico].  

Why cheese? Because I'm an overachiever. Also because when I started this bet with friends my first year out of college I dropped mad pounds. Also because the bridesmaid dress I ordered is "true to size" and we all know how that's worked out for me in the past.  So I'll be cheese-less ... that's no party with Havarti, no gouda time, no making everything better with cheddar.  I will skip out of the coveted -itos: Doritos, Cheetos, Fritos ... and Cheddar goldfish (by the bible, original is still legit). I will not like it.  Neither will my friends, family and coworkers. And while I brainstorm what my last supper will be tonight (recommendations welcome), here are some other random thoughts this "holiday":

• After rave reviews, I had to hide Barbie from my Facebook newsfeed. Now that she's back with Ken her updates make me want to vomit. Seriously, grow up Barbie - no one wants to see how painstakingly happy you are.  You're not even real.
• You know you've had a rough week when you walk away from an out of town shopping excursion without any purchases ... and to cheer yourself up make your friends drive thru the McD's window for the first time in six years to pick up a strawberry milkshake and medium fries so you can say you bought something.  Bad day.
• Bad night.  When your 4 inch heel gets caught in the NYC sidewalk crack and stays there while your whole body projects forward.  Bad "the-morning-after."  You wake up with your knee three sizes larger, a huge wet spot from where you thought it was a good idea to fall asleep with a man-made ziplock ice pack, and outgoing text messages even Charlie Sheen would not deem #winning.
• Do you think there's a cheese out there writing about how much they're going to miss me for 40 days?
• Check out this PopSugar behind-the-scenes footage on the set of Kristen Wiig's Bridesmaids movie. It's being hailed the next "The Hangover", sharing the hard truths of being a bridesmaid. Amen sisters - should have called me up for some advice.  Coincidentally (and by coincidentally I mean thanks for stealing my idea), Annie Mumolo, co-writer, was inspired through her experiences as a professional bridesmaid.  She just started "logging in her head" what would eventually turn into the script ... so I'll just continue "blogging what's in my head" until they contact me for the sequel - "Bridesmaid, Again."

Your cheese may be gouda, but mine is feta. Over and out ... 

-HMOH

taking stock in wedding photos

Imagine you're a deer ... 


No I kid.  Imagine instead you're my coworker.  And you're strolling with your husband on the Upper East Side (fine. if you're not in a big city imagine you've just rolled up to your local strip mall.).  A casual little Sunday, not too much going on.  You find yourself staring into a photo shop store only to be confronted by a FRAMED 20x30 photo of yourselves on your wedding day.  

It's probably because you're pretty and your floral arrangement was the bomb.  But also you've learned your wedding photo has become a "Bride and Groom" stock photo.  Described: Husband and wife smiling and looking at the camera. She is holding a big orange bouquet of flowers and there is a tree behind them. They are face to face and both have brown eyes.  HMOH Described: CREEPY. 


When you enter the store to ask the shop owner if he wanted to shake your hand (I mean, you're in his window and can probably find it in your heart to autograph it for him), he tells you he knew you lived in the neighborhood because the framer who framed it said you'd been by his place before.  Sick, small world.

Turns out many photographer contracts include language that they own copyright to your/their photos - enough so that you might find yourself hanging in a storefront window (or in the case of a friend of a friend: In a bathroom stall).  And if not for public display - you can bet you've made your way into a marketing, PR, advertising and business plan. For sure.  


-HMOH


SIDENOTE: It's often I wonder if IT is looking to have me arrested for the photos and keywords I Google (e.g., teenage girls) and have to pull down to place in client decks.  I've likely been Amber alerted and placed on the watchlist by now.  


PPSIDENOTE: Thanks Erin for letting me share.