SIDENOTE: HMOH now holds a world record. correct.

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that yours truly, HMOH, is now a World Record holder.  Having been witness to the World's "Most Lit Birthday Candles On a Cupcake" (currently set at 235), I was bestowed this honored title along with the other guests at a friend's 4th of July BBQ.


Going to go ahead and add that to my resume.  Sick new pick-up line if you ask me. 
Hey, I write a blog about weddings.  Nope, nope not married or engaged.  No that's not weird, I promise. But you should know I'm also a World Record holder ... 


TGIF!


-HMOH

he said, she said #709: the last fling before the ring communications

We've all seen The Hangover.  We know there's a sequel in the works.  And we know that "27 Tuxedos" is off to a bachelor party this weekend to wreck havoc. 

So for our next he/said she said, we pondered the question - "Should the groom-to-be have to contact his bride during his bachelor weekend?  Same rules apply for a bachelorette?"

He said:  I’m departing for my fifth bachelor party of 2010 today.  Bienvenido a Miami muchachos.  There are few things sacred for men - Fantasy Sports, March Madness, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, Megan Fox, BBQ-ing, and any movie featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger or Dolph Lungren.  Maybe at the top of this exclusive list should reside, “Bachelor Parties.”  These are sacred times in which dudes get to do dudely things with no one judging their actions and share in mischief in the company of their closest bros.  Bachelor parties are guy paradise - and thus should never be infringed upon by any woman. 

Simply put, the answer to the question asked is a resounding "no".  To take it one step further, this should extend to not just the groom himself, but all guys attending the party.  Any healthy relationship can withstand two or three days sans communication.  In fairness, ladies should be granted the same courtesy on bachelorette parties. The significant other at home should not feel that he/she has the right to disturb the other person via phone, email or text communication. Leave them alone and let them enjoy the time away, carefree with their friends. Times that in your late-20’s and early 30’s are rare and sacred.

There’s really nothing worse then the kid who dips out every three hours to talk to his girlfriend/fiancé/wife during a bachelor party.  Even worse when he does it in front of the group.  I like to call this guy, “Buzzkill McGee.”  He should be forced to don a dunce cap to the bar or face some other public humiliation  - like wearing an Ed Hardy t-shirt out to the club. 

She said:  For one, I happen to think that when "27 Tuxedos" gets himself a lady friend he's going to think differently about not communicating for two to three days while away at his or another bachelor party.  I'm not saying it's because he wants to, I'm saying because he'll have to.  The dipping out every three hours and sentence to wear a bedazzled Ed Hardy is far less corporal punishment than a scorned girlfriend/fiancé/wife back home.  I'm a girl. I say that with full confidence.

As for us ladies and our bachelorette parties.  Kelsey's fiancé told her he was shutting off his phone because he didn't want to see any stupid drunk texts from her.  I'm not sure guys feel they have to worry about their brides-to-be when they're out and about celebrating the last fling before the ring - I've seen more girls make out with girls, than with some sleaze at the club that night.  And come to think of it, I've viewed quite a number of photo albums on Facebook of bachelorette parties ... yet seldom do you spend your work day perusing men at their "guy paradise".  

Blame Bradley Cooper, Tom Hanks or Christian Slater for their roles in Bachelor Party movies.  Blame Vegas for making the rule that what happens there, stays there.  Blame all the gals who have been cheated on in the past and now have trust issues. Just check in [INSERT NIKE SWOOSH].   Missy's husband forgot to contact her the entire bachelor party weekend in Vegas.  She had come up to NYC to be with her friends and keep her mind off the trouble him and his friends were getting into.  Lucky for her, her Dad had gone on the trip (he happened to stay up later than most of the younger fellows and go straight to breakfast) ... and was texting her throughout the weekend to ensure her the boys were well behaved and sleeping off the alcohol.  

HMOH tip #709 - Give your phone to the Best Man (or someone probably a little more reliable) and have him send your prerecorded text message at 1:00 a.m. :  "Baby, I would rather be with you than at this club right now ... the strippers are ugly and this prostitute and I are just going to talk about how much I love you instead. Be home soon."

then be prepared to come home with flowers and tell her it's ok if she doesn't text you during her bachelorette party.

-HMOH and "27 Tuxedos"

guest blogger: flower girl on girl action

When HMOH learned that her coworker trumped all of her bridesmaid experience with this story, she pleaded that it be shared.  A big congrats to the newly married couple and our accomplished, alternative flowergirl! Leave your comments and questions for "Flower Girl" below!


You know those friends that mean a lot to you, but the likelihood of you making it to the "bridesmaid department" is slim? Such was the case with my good friend Sara.  For years we were co-counselors at summer camp together; we had some great laughs, and she definitely saw me through some tough times (read: girl in late teens being overly-dramatic about boys and life). So back in 2003 when chatting about being "grown-ups" and dreaming about the future, I jokingly (but seriously all the while) told Sara that I would like to be a flower girl in her wedding. She laughed and accepted, and that was that. 

I should add that Sara is a lesbian.

I mean think about it: how many people can say they were a flower girl in a lesbian wedding? Even at the ripe age of 19, I knew that would elevate my cool status a notch. But let's be real ... I didn't put my money on this actually happening. Regardless, the years went by, and it was always the #1 item on my bucket list. Granted, I hadn't taken much time to add anything else to the list, but there it was. Ready for the conquering. 

Flash forward to 2009, when I receive a text from Sara announcing that her girlfriend proposed to her during a romantic getaway in the mountains. She's getting into the exciting bride-to-be details, recounting the heart-melting tale, when all I can think is "OMG. OMG. OMG. FLOWER GIRL. FLOWER GIRL. FLOWER GIRL." Clearly, I oh-so-casually give her a friendly reminder of our old pact, once again joking but totally serious. She asks if I would wear a frilly pink dress and walk down the aisle on my knees to better fit the typical age/height requirements; I tell her I would crab walk and/or do the worm in a clown suit...whatever it takes. Sara and her fiancée appreciate my enthusiasm and lovingly agree to the deal. 

I learned a few months later that Sara's engagement is postponed since her fiance's grandmother has sadly fallen ill. Just like the crying baby at a wedding ceremony, I could see my dream being quietly rushed out the door.

Luckily, I love me some lesbian friends. Soon thereafter my other gay friend Jess got engaged, knew of my flower girl ambitions and hired me for the role. The big day was July 4, and how fitting: I had achieved my own little version of the American Dream. Work hard enough, and you can accomplish anything in this glorious country. Clearly I dominated the given position; my dress matched her color scheme, and I threw rose petals in all of the places that the other two flower girls (who were a good two feet shorter and numerous years younger than me) missed. It was a good day...a day that I will cherish forever. 

Flower girl in lesbian wedding - CHECK!

HMOH readers: I encourage you all to find and conquer your own "lesbian wedding flower girl" dreams. If you're going to as many weddings as I am nowadays, it'll at least keep it interesting. 


- "Flower girl"

SIDENOTE: summertime in the city

• I seem to have misplaced my TV remote in my bedroom.  It's been stuck on NBC for the past three weeks.  
• Because I can't change the channel, I ended up watching bits of "America's Got Talent" last night.  America isn't talented because Howie Mandel says so.
• Is it cool that the few movies I have on my "to see" list are animated, 3-D and targeted at five-year-olds?
• Because of the recent heat wave (100 degrees for the past two days), we received warning from the electric company to shut lights off in the office building to conserve energy and avoid power outages.  Let's start by turning the AC down in here so I can't see my own breath. 
• For my upcoming trip to California I tried to 1) reroute my Bahamas ticket (cost more than to just buy it) 2) use my free JetBlue ticket voucher I won from Twitter (black out dates), and 3) sign up for a JetBlue Amex card to get the free introductory 20,000 air points (have to wait 6 weeks until the points register).  I now have to pay full price ($100 more than when I started looking).
• I bought Silly Bandz last night (yea, so what?).  I spent 15 minutes in the pharmacy determining if the "farm" bandz best suited my personality.  I finally settled on the "food" - because it's technically a two for one deal.  The hotdog and hamburger bandz double as farm animals.
• This morning I bought pomegranate seeds and a greek yogurt with honey.  Four dollars and 12 grams of fat later I looked at the container.  I'd have rather had a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich.

Happy Hump Day!


-HMOH

HMOH bachelorette recap: episode 7

Another episode - another waste of time.  You are all lucky I love you - I got back last night ready to pass out from sun exposure and stayed up to watch another "eventful" episode so I wouldn't disappoint.  Wine probably would have made it easier to get through, but after the holiday weekend the last thing your bloodstream needs is more alcohol. The only thing getting me through Ali's whining was wanting to ride the Jake/Vienna train[wreck] following.  


Anyways, C Harr shows up in lovely Lisbon, Portugal to tell the gang of top 5 that there will be four dates, no roses.  The pressure is on to stay in the game. Ali could come home and meet the bachelors' families.  It's a shame that last week's promo told us everything we can expect for the rest of the season, and little spoilers on weekly gossip mags I frequent at the beach have told all as well.  Regardless, the first one-on-one goes to mi favorito - Roberto.


One-on-One #1:  King of the Castle, King of the Castle (to the tune of Borat)
Roberto


Ali is whining from the get-go, which makes my eyelids heavy and my drive to stay up for this lessen.  ABC producers are clearly at a loss for fun dates, since this one consisted of taking jumping photos.  Roberto is good at salsa dancing and baseball, but not capturing Ali mid-jump.  Dump him (I kid).  Lucky for him they gather on the streets near a live band.   When Roberto hears music, he can't help but dance.  So they dance, making the date less than stimulating.  At the very least made me wish I was reliving the glory days of my time spent studying abroad in Sevilla, Spain.  


When they decided to take sitting down photos, Ali was extremely articulate with her feelings for Roberto ...  "I feel like [LONG PAUSE].  I don't know [PAUSE]. Hmmm ..."  Roberto is tri-lingual, but I'm pretty sure he no comprende 'Um'.


Two-on-One #1 - Ali gets Weird
Frank, Ty


Well I'm thinking this is helicopter #7 for the season, you know, the season where the Bachelorette is afraid of heights.  Her shrink probably signed her up for the show to help overcome her fear of heights, since making a true love connection (and hypnosis) seems a lost cause.  I lost interest .5 seconds into the shared date.  Ali, poor baby, is in a hard place having to concentrate on two men at once.  She orders the set crew to bring them wine to help them get through the next scene.  She lays a "it's not you, it's me" line on Frank and Ty.  


Fed up with having the two look at her funny, Ali pulls Ty aside to talk about what his mother will say when she finds out Ali works.  SIDENOTE:  Didn't Ali leave her job for this?  I'm not sure she can technically say that being a reality TV star puts her on the corporate ladder, but I digress.  Ty assures her that he "thinks it's awesome" that she has ambition.  Aww, Southern Charm at it's finest.  


Ty:  "I'm happy you are passionate about things.  In fact, it tickles me to death that you do what you want to do"
HMOH:  [Threw up in mouth]  Tickles me to death?  Seriously?


Still it gets better when 31-year-old Frank admits to Ali that he still lives at home with his parents.  If I'm going to be honest here, one of my best friends had a 30-something ex-boyfriend that lived at home with his parents ... ex boyfriend. They probably could do better than Jake and Vienna on a couch right now. Still, Frank is convinced that Ali doesn't care that his mom still tucks him in.  He sees it in her eyes.  I'm pretty sure that's just the vodka. 


One-on-One #2:  Once Upon Yet Another Castle
Kirk


I laughed through my tiredness at the fact that Ali and Kirk brought road sodas on their horse and buggy and spilled wine all over their laps on the way up to yet another castle.  Don't get me wrong - they're beautiful and I wish I could have seen them myself, but enter whining Bachelorette and less-than-interesting date and it's a snoozefest.  I spent most of this date applying my "Islamic Architecture in Andalusia" class from Study Abroad and quizzing myself on the Spanish names of some of the Islamic arches seen in the castles.  And you think the date was boring?


The day was slightly redeemed when Kirk gave it to Ali straight and said he wants to know what she's feeling - one way or the other.  She's feeling drunk and selfish, but tells him she's afraid she won't be enough.  He assures her to not be scared, and the two head off to where the ABC Intern hired a Sophia Loren impersonator to serenade them.


One-on-One #3 - Love Gets Better With Age, and You're The Oldest One Here
Chris


Seriously, I apologize.  No recollection of this one.  Probably because it was at another castle and because Ali asked to hear about Chris' mom again.  That sounds harsh, but honesty sometimes is.  I did see Ali almost kill the two on the vespa.  Chris laughed, so did I.  Had I been on the date it would have been the first car wreck in Bachelorette history.


Chris had waited to give Ali a bracelet, and when he romantically does - she's less than impressed.  If the bracelet had a vodka tonic in the locket or could salsa dance she may have smiled more.


Rose Ceremony
I was just proud of myself for making it to this point in the show.  Ali is looking to be a "working girl" for the rest of her life, so the roses go to:

• Chris
• Frank
• Roberto
• Kirk

Hasta la vista:  Ty


The four for hometown dates are confirmed.  I'm going to hope that they get a little more interesting since the World Tour is over and we can make fun of our middle America families. 


Jake and Vienna are back
If I didn't know what to expect I would have thought this particular interview was on NBC Dateline.  C Harrison, when given the opportunity to do something "newsworthy", really takes his sh*t seriously.  Seriously enough so that when Vienna started yabbing about how Jake made fun of her dog, C reminds her that we don't care.  I was writing last night's post about weddings over a holiday weekend during this particular part of the show and missed a bunch of it.  I did catch Jake abusively tell Vienna to shut up on numerous occasions and then to see Vienna storm off.  I'll prob have to go back and watch this to make sure I didn't miss anything important [CHOKE] ... but I'm still so surprised these two didn't make it.


Sorry to be negative Nancy today, but that's what reality TV is like, right?  So bad you can't look away?  I'm excited the season is almost over.  Who's with me?


-HMOH

HMOH tip #705: wedding over a holiday weekend, let's discuss

A happy, happy birthday to our dear country!!  Sure - we can't possibly rule the world in football if we continue to call it soccer, but we're pretty much the best at everything else. 


There's a serious East Coast heatwave - so I'm exhausted (and really tan). I had full intentions of writing up a big piece on weddings over the holiday weekend (WOTHW).  I was lucky enough to have my whole holiday weekend at the beach (thanks Battles) - however, I know many a friend who spent it at one, even two weddings. Next year I'm anticipating two bank holidays spent at wedding receptions, and so it seemed the perfect topic to survey a handful of readers about. 


How do you feel upon receiving a save-the-date that essentially asks you to put your vacation plans on hold?  We all know that WOTHW typically require expensive travel, a missed trip, and/or a loss beach day or long weekend.  Most will agree that if it's a good enough friend, it's still a special day and there will always be next year.  Most also agree that if given the choice, they wouldn't personally set out to share nuptials on a day we're supposed to be celebrating a Monday off.  A WOTHW may be beneficial for grooms since they're less likely to forget their anniversary (fireworks = buy her flowers), but what girl wants to share the attention with our Founding Fathers or you know, Laborers?


The majority of those who responded to my questionnaire feel a wedding obligation during the holiday weekend is nothing but a nuisance. I think it depends on where the couple expects you to be - Bodunk,PA (not so much) - but when I was asked to spend this coming Labor Day in the Bahamas, I signed myself up (with a nonrefundable ticket that cost $200 to reroute, but no hard feelings). 


Following are some of the shared thoughts on a wedding over the holiday weekend from some loyal (and witty) HMOH readers:

• "Nothing I hate more.  Don’t care who’s wedding this is. When I get the save-the-date, in my mind it reads:  Dear Friends and Family,  'Because our lives are more important than yours, we would like to do you the favor of giving you something to do over July 4th weekend. We know that if it was not for this wedding invite, you would be sitting at home in your sweats wondering why no one you know is around. But now, thanks to the love that has grown between the two of us, you will be blessed with a long expensive weekend ..."
• "Memorial Day/Labor Day - I group these two together because I can never remember which one is which anyway.  I live in Pittsburgh, I don't have a beach house to frequent on the weekends, and most of my summer holiday weekends consist of a picnic or two (nothing to write home about).  Therefore, these dates don't bother me too much.  If you are traveling, it works because you don't need to take any time off of work - and if you are staying in town, it is simply a reason to celebrate an otherwise non-eventful three day weekend."
• "First, I think you can/should only do a holiday weekend wedding IF you can handle the following...1) inviting all of your friends, with potentially dates, so they can enjoy the whole weekend, and 2) not taking it personally when people say no (because they have every right to!)"
• "I think it's annoying if someone does it over a holiday, and if I wasn't that close with them I would most likely not go.  Now to a more important question, are you going to Fire Island this weekend??"
• "VDAY weddings. Never ok.  If you are in a loving, committed relationship you probably want to spend cupid’s day nestled in a romantic restaurant somewhere with an overpriced bottle of merlot.  If you are single, you want to celebrate by stabbing yourself with cupid’s bow, but instead will settle for a fun dinner with friends.  Who really cares about Valentine’s Day anyway, right? And if you have been recently dumped, you hope everyone at Table Nine chokes on their shrimp cocktail.  Fast dancing to a slow song at a wedding on Valentine’s Day (simply because you want to overcompensate for the fact you’re dateless)  is just depressing .... not that I would know from personal experience or anything."

In an effort to give all those who book weddings over the holiday weekend the chance to defend themselves, I asked a few I know that have 2011 holiday nuptials planned.  One bride-to-be with a Memorial Day weekend wedding said she booked it because she had really wanted a twilight reception on the Sunday; gives everyone the Monday to recover.  That day had been booked 2.5 years earlier, so she settled on the Monday.  Another, who will be getting married next July 4th weekend said it was a cost saver for her and her family, which allows her to spend budget on more important things.


In all, this is likely a case by case situation (hmm, how much do you really love them?).  It depends on your relationship to the couple and how far out your holiday weekends are planned.  The worst part is coming up with an excuse to politely decline on the RSVP card.  "HMOH will not be in attendance. Um, my beach house needs me? xoxo" 


-HMOH


p.s. During our July 4th BBQ, my friend Randy told me that he was going to attempt to say something funny so he could make it onto the blog.  Instead he spent the majority of the evening taking off his shirt during ping pong matches and at the bar.  And for that, he has made the blog.  

he said, she said #701: do you check the finger so as not to get the finger?

Happy July!  How we got to July, I'm not sure - but the long weekend is always welcome.  HMOH and "27 Tuxedos" have teamed up for their first "he said, she said."  He'll give his take, she'll give hers (and always think she's right).  


As a woman you will never know if a man's engaged.  He doesn't wear a scarlet letter saying he's taken a year before the nuptials (on the plus, girl's save three months' worth of paychecks).  But I know we take note of a wedding band first and foremost.  So I asked "27 Tuxedos" the question.  As a single guy, do you immediately check out a girl's hand before putting out the mojo all night? Seems it'd save you some time. Since daddy-macking it usually isn't a sure bet (in most respectable instances anyways), why not set your sights on someone without a sparkling finger?  

He said: You would think that a guy who’s been single for the better part of the last decade would be pretty savvy about checking out the hand.  For some reason though, this always seems to slip my mind (blame it on the alcohol).  Fortunately for the unattached, the big rock dangling off of her little finger is usually pretty noticeable.  So I can tell if you're engaged - but if it's not sitting next to the rock, spotting a wedding ring is a much more covert operation.  They trend smaller and are more easily confused with you know, an everyday piece of jewelry. 

I hate to say it (I like to believe I’m in my high school prime still), but I’ve clearly hit the age when I need to constantly be on the lookout for the dreaded ring.  The good news is that as I continue to get older, the crowd at the bars/lounges I frequent gets younger.  A higher percentage of younger girls should equate to a lower likelihood that the girl I’m creeping on is married or engaged. 

Having said all that, this exercise made me realize that it’s definitely time for me to get my ring-dar in check, and get better at honing in on the bling before I approach a new lady of intrigue.   There’s no worse feeling in the world than spending hours talking to a girl, "building a connection", and getting excited about what is about to happen ... only to have her drop the bomb on you that she’s in a relationship, or better yet a Mrs.  Before losing too much precious time, taking some bruises to the ego, and regretting any poor decision-making, check the left hand my friends.

She said: At the beach recently, in the midst of sweaty beach bars, shots of Soco and lime and creepers, a man approached my best friend, my married best friend.  She was just carrying on a conversation - he was putting on the moves.  She was just sitting there with a rock on her finger and he was figuring out when the best time to bring up "let's get out of here."  She was thinking in just two more hours it'd be great to get pizza, call her husband (who was at a bachelor party and strip club), and then get to bed at a decent hour of 5:00 a.m.  He was thinking - "if I put a sock on the door will my roommate be cool enough to sleep on the couch tonight?" She was ok with the attention - hey, you have to prove you've still got it.  


Later in the evening he got a little too close; she turned her head and put up her hand with the ring. Still, after turning his attention elsewhere for an hour or two, he'd keep popping back in to see if she was still married, or at least more intoxicated.  Onlookers (mainly our friends) were a little nervous that she'd be tempted to make bad decisions; I was confident that unless this guy had mozzarella cheese and sauce in his pocket, he didn't really stand a chance.

-HMOH and "27 Tuxedos"