two thumbs, straight up, extra dirty, with more olives please

On a recent business trip I picked up Chelsea Handler's "Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea".  Aside from the fact that the title is a play from one of my favorite childhood books, it's  a must-read.  I was that creepy chick on the plane laughing out loud and then looking around to see if the person seated next to me was staring (or thought I was an alcoholic).  I also had to explain to a supervisor during a sit-down that the $15 receipt for 'vodka' was indeed a book and not a binge at the airport bar.


I feel like Chelsea and I are kindred spirits with the same sense of humor - only she's far more  (at times) crass and disgusting, and makes money doing it.  


Here's an excerpt from my fav chapter, which perfectly captures my feelings slash fear towards feet and phalanges.  Note, there's MUCH more where this came from.

Jerry was a really nice guy, but my main problem with him was that he had a double-decker toe.  His middle toe laid directly on top of his index toe.  If this is the hand you're dealt in life, then fine, but at least have the courtesy to keep the situation under wraps until all parties have been fully prepped for an unveiling.  He constantly walked around in open-toed sandals as if nothing whatsoever was wrong.  I find that to be not only arrogant,  but Jerry obviously had no concern for other people's comfort levels or gag reflexes, which is just plain disrespectful.

HMOH rates this book  "TWO THUMBS, STRAIGHT UP, EXTRA DIRTY, WITH MORE OLIVES PLEASE".


-HMOH