So the tabloids and sneak peaks all lead me to believe that Ali isn't going to pick anyone. This may or may not be because I'm hoping she lets Roberto back into the dating pool so he can find his way up from South Carolina to New York. I'll keep dreaming.
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Of course, it's the usual footage we all have seen a million times. Cut to the chase guys, I'm ready. I must say, I still get chills every time they play Chris saying, "God I love you." I still want to meet Roberto and prove why I'm better than Ali. I also really need to get to Bora Bora, and stat. I could perhaps save it for my honeymoon. It'll still be there in twenty years, right?So we see why it is Roberto and Chris made it this far. They're hot. Also, her connection with Roberto is undeniable. The two seem pretty confident in one another's feelings. Ali told the cameras that knew right away she wanted to
Some more pensive bikini shots to fill the two hour time slot and then we get into the introductions to Ali's parents. I'm impressed that her divorced parents can come together on a romantic island together for something like this, but I guess your daughter's happiness trumps a split.
Meet the Parents
First up is the Latin lover. Ali runs into Roberto's arms, squeals like a little girl and then begins talking like a four-year-old. She's in love. She tells Berto that he looks so handsome. I agree. So of course when the handsome fellow meets the parents he speaks Spanish and puts on the charm. Dad seems unimpressed at first; Mom clearly has a crush on Roberto. She pulls him aside to ask a few questions and marvel at his beauty. I'm swooning at all his talk about making sure Ali is happy always and then he asks Mom how to do that best. Roberto promises her that he'll take care of Ali. Mom wants to
In his discussion with Dad, Roberto gets a little tripped up on his words and tells Dad that he hopes he knows he "generally wants to make her happy." Said from couch:
Roommate #1 - "Generally or genuinely wants to make her happy?"
Roommate #2 - "Whatever, English isn't his first language."
Slip ups aside, Roberto has the family salsa dancing in no time. Another example of "white people can't dance." And then Ali walks him outside where I was pretty certain she said "I love you." After rewinding three times - we concluded that it was a "they love you." We'd just have to wait a little longer to confirm. When Roberto walks away down the dramatic pier Ali's smile is one of love and lust. At this point, I'm pretty certain I know who she's picking.
Chris comes to meet the family next. We all know he's going to get along with them fabulously. He (the ABC intern) does a great job of putting together a fruit basket that no one is going to touch, and it's clear to me that Ali didn't put nearly as much effort into her outfit today like she did with Roberto's date the day before. Ali's sister, however, put some effort into that lace bra hanging off her shoulder and the seriously provocative cleavage. She's down to take whoever is left over at the end of this.
Of course the table conversation takes a turn towards Chris' mother and the poor boy gets to talk about it again. He bonded with the siblings and then sat down with Dad to ask for his daughter's hand in marriage. Dad trusts Chris because he's "family orientated." Maybe English isn't his first language either?
I can't help but wish they'd stop zooming in on Chris and Ali kissing. It ruins his cuteness for me. But then he's just so adorable and wants so badly to be in love. I wish him all the best.
After the family deliberates, Ali learns Dad has a crush on Roberto now too. Sister defends Chris and says he's planning to propose, and Mom wants Ali to pick Chris so that she can have Roberto. Either way, we all agree Ali is going home with a great catch.
Alone Time
Roberto
Ali and Roberto take a ride on something she likes - a machine that goes really fast. And then SURPRISE, the two pull up unsuspectingly to a school of string rays flown in to Bora Bora from SeaWorld. And then LOOK, they happen to have sting ray food in their pockets. How cool is that?
The evening gets uber-romantic as the two kiss in the rain, have dinner in their love-making hut and talk more about how perfecto Roberto is. He comes baring gifts, in the form of a picture frame with his love professed on the back. I'm sold. He then tells Ali he loves her. While the two get swept up in their emotions, I'm focusing on the zit on Ali's chin that hasn't cleared up in the past week. Get some makeup for this girl! Regardless, her lust is too strong to pull away and Ali stays the night. Major props, she held out for quite some time.
Alone Five Minutes
Chris
At this point I already know what's about to go down. ABC producers can't pull the "craziest ending in Bachelorette history" on me. Poor Chris is 100 percent confident he's going to propose. I'm 100 percent confident she's about to cut him loose. My heart hurts.
Ali walks in on the day of their date to tell Chris that she's in love with someone else. Of course all this is whispered and needs to be translated for the millions of Americans watching via subtitles. Man would it suck to have your break-up subtitled; I guess we call that 'e-mail' in real life.
Despite the heartbreak I'm not prepared to take for Chris, I respect Ali's decision to spare him having to pick out a ring and propose. She tells him to "hang in there" (rude) and tells the camera she "loves hugging him and hanging out with him." Notice she didn't mention that she loves kissing him.
But then, in the midst of this difficult situation, the rainbow. And with the rainbow - a pot of tears rolling down my cheeks. A perfect touch that even ABC's producers couldn't have staged. Chris' mom sends down a signal and all is right in the world. And there you have it folks, our next Bachelor.
The Proposal
Neil Lane walks in to let Roberto pick out that killer rock for Ali. His afternoon was freed up since he only had one appointment. Roberto gets himself dressed and ready to go after a solid thirty minutes of "looking off into the sunset" footage. Ali also gets to dressing up with the help of the ABC intern, whose flip flop gets its 15 seconds of fame.
Realizing everyone already knows what is going to happen, the editors cut and splice to make Roberto's decision to propose uncertain. Roberto circles the island just enough times for the suspense to build. C Harrison greets him off the Catamaran and points him in the direction where Ali awaits. And so Roberto makes my heart, and millions of women's alike, melt with his proclamation of love. Despite all the nerves and the beads of sweat forming on his lips (distracting), he tells Ali he wants to spend the rest of his life with her.
And then the proposal. And then the creepy smiling on my behalf. And then "The Lion King" soundtrack. Really?
Y La Ultima Rosa Va A: Roberto
Hasta la vista: Chris
So that is it folks. The end. The happy couple is pretty adorable (despite my jealousy) - so we'll see how long they last before becoming a classic, reality show disaster. I'll keep my eyes out for Craig, who is doing his own thing and riding the fame train as long as he can. I also would love for Chris to be the Bachelor, I'm just not sure I can handle a season of having to watch him kiss a bunch of girls. It's like Lorenzo Borghese all over again.
In full transparency, I couldn't make it through the "After the Final Rose." Forty-five minutes were reminders of what happened ten minutes ago. Frank was a no show, and I wasn't in the mood to watch people being in love anymore. And... if I'm going to perfectly honest, I needed to watch True Blood.
It's been a pleasure recapping the season and hearing all the great compliments and funny comments! A special thanks to Craig for giving me major street cred around the water cooler at work for having a friend on The Bachelorette. And thanks to all the loyal texters, Facebook wall posters and couch partners who provided excellent commentary and material throughout the season.
And what did I learn from this whole experience besides the fact that I'm awesome at judging people? I need to give up everything - my job and my apartment (hell, the latter won't be a problem at this point) - to find love ...
Leave your comments, questions and observations below!
Until the Bachelor Pad and beyond,
-HMOH
Roommate #2 sounds hilarious.
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