Much of what has become of me and what has shaped me into the woman and professional that I am is where I went to college. I met my best friends there, my "sisters", and my future bridesmaids. It made the big world smaller, so much so that my first client straight out of college happened to be my PSU sorority sister from pledge classes earlier. We didn't spend the same time on campus together - but we had a connection. I have incredible memories. I got a good education. A great education. I got schooled in the classroom and outside the main campus. I learned how to be on my own, to get along with way too many girls, to take responsibility for my actions and what I wanted to be.
I learned about football. Not only the rules, but what it means to belong to something beyond just the sport. What it means when an entire state and beyond piles into a town with the common love, passion and obsession for a dynasty. With a ruler who dedicated his life and savings to the school - and who just greeted a crowd of students outside his home to tell them that no matter what happens, he's proud of them. But it was beyond football, as I'm not sure how much I'd love the sport if I wasn't a part of the Lion Pride. It was about the institution. What it means to wear those colors and be on that campus, even after you graduated years and years ago. Beyond the coach and the players. More so about the people in the stands, the ones who came before them. About standing next to your friends - even during some of the most losing seasons - and taking a look around. This is what college is made of. This is what the hundreds of thousands of PSU alums take with them when they leave. This and an education, a head on their shoulders to take on the world. A world where there are tons of others like them who understand. It's why bars in NYC are packed every Saturday with people of all ages. Why even on a weekend trip to Boston you can find the spot to meet your fellow alum and cheer on a surprisingly decent freshman team. Why you shout randomly at the person on the street wearing a PSU hat (who clearly did not go there) or shadily want to high five the stranger at the gym wearing the Lion logo. Why you feel bad for people who couldn't possibly know what you're talking about - what's it like to have gone, and belong, to Penn State. Why my coworker and I share a Nittany Lion head print out between our two desks. Why I have to reserve at least one vacation day for a trip back to Happy Valley. Brainwashed to bleed blue and white, but proud of it all the same.
That's why I can't look away from the coverage, the tweets, the Facebook status posts about what is now shaming my alma mater. And rightfully so. My heart goes out to those victims and their families. For no one should have their innocence taken from them in such a horrible way. That that person who caused such harm was a member of the Lion Pride is shameful ... and if you asked all of the students and alumni, they would agree. I feel like my reputation has been stripped too. That I might have gotten to see JoePa gracefully step down from a reign like none other. That I'd cry tears of sadness and joy for he had gone out on top. Even if he goes down in his old fashion ways with a fight ... that will not be the case. I find myself reaching out to college friends to see that they're just as confused and upset as I am. Am I allowed to let it affect me in this way?
Graduating from a top communications school and working in PR gives me license to also be ashamed of the crisis management and PR working for the school. That the latest posts on Twitter and Facebook are highlighting football and our women's soccer team (and again, rightfully so), but not acknowledging public sentiment or providing real-time updates on the progression of this scandal. Penn State is one of the biggest brands in this country and yet officials are burying their heads. It's the alumni - Matt Millen, Adam Tallifero, my friends. Those who are offering their support to the families, to JoePa and to fellow students/graduates who don't know what to make of this spectacle. I'm seeing what I always knew PSU is really all about - the people. Those who not only rally around a football empire, but around cause. Helping kids with cancer. Finding justice for an unthinkable act that took place on our campus.
I want so badly for PSU to beat Nebraska this Saturday, but I'm not sure why or what it changes. I've wanted it so badly leading up to this because my favorite college game as a student was against Nebraska. The news around the campus that day in 2002 was that an NU hat had been stolen by fans and left with a ransom note. That the Lions tweaked out an unexpected win. That next day I woke up with no voice and black and blues all over from jumping up and down in the stadium. These are the memories I hoped to hold on to. I am so interested to see as many of my friends, fellow alumni, head back to campus on Saturday for the game and what they thought would be an awesome weekend. They will have their boyfriends and husbands in tow, who have never been to their alma mater and never fully understood what they are so obsessed with. Will they still be excited to show them the ropes? I don't know - but I think a lot of Penn Staters, myself included, are going through an identity crisis right now.
You get a lot of slack about it from others. Your parents who aren't sure how their tuition dollars led to an obsessed child. Professionals are sure you just haven't gotten over college yet ... and they're certain you're too old for it now. It's a strange phenomenon where your college becomes your identity. Not only does it shape who you are, but it connects you to where you're going and to all those who went there with you. It's not to take from the victims of this story, because their struggles are ones I could not dare to imagine. But I can imagine that my fellow Nittany Lions are just as upset, shamed and confused as I, and yet, still proud to be a Penn Stater. Because WE ARE is a lot of things to a lot of people, and I don't want to let this ruin or lose what PSU means to me.
-HMOH
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