SIDENOTE: thursday thoughts

I'm in the throes of wedding and HMOH season folks.  Bridal showers, weddings and bachelorette bashes have my calendar filled until the leaves turn color (and beyond). Engagements are still rolling in and adding to the 2012 calendar year (congrats to my pooh bear, Age).  And while I sadly watch the summer close out, starve myself for upcoming wedding photos next weekend, and get excited about the fall fashions lining all of my favorite stores ... here are a few sidenotes:

• Question. Why is it sooo easy to say no to the gym during the summer?  Like I haved full intentions of going tonight.  Except I need a rehearsal dinner dress (read: I do not need a rehearsal dinner dress. I have a shopping problem and far too many clothes).  So I need this dress and the only time I'll be able to go is tonight instead of this weekend when I'm around or any time next week.  I guess I have no choice but to not go to the gym ... and buy a dress. and this pillow.

• In our group de-stress at the office (which required me to put on gym pants, so essentially I went), I learned that the human head weighs 13 lbs, which means that without my head I'd be a size 0.
• Remember when you used to wake up in the morning worried about what kind of an intoxicated text you may have sent the night before?  Do you ever wake up now worried that while drunk stalking on Facebook you accidentally made the searched person's name your status?  Nope. Me either.
• I recognize that while I still have friends getting married every weekend, I'll have to transition soon from HMOH to BSOH (Babysitter of Honor).  It's what single, crazy aunts do - right?  But here's what I'm trying to understand. Why do people write shout-outs and messages to their babies on Facebook. The classic, "Love you angel!"  Your baby doesn't have a Facebook profile. Or read.  
• I'm really looking forward to Danielle and Jay's wedding next weekend in Greenwich, CT.  As a bridesmaid, I've obviously been paired up with the groom's sixteen year old brother. Who's a b-boy.  Who takes hip hop classes.  Who is worried that I won't be able to keep up with his dance moves. FALSE ... because have you seen these moves? Junior, we're going to choreograph something serious during the rehearsal dinner and break it down. 

And while we're at it ... some awesome inspiration boards that have made their way into my heart, and onto my computer desktop.

TGIalmostF


-HMOH

SIDENOTE: are you a maid?

With an office move downtown, I've been stripped of my office walls (back to cubeland) and so my coworkers will now have to partake in all things I tend to talk to myself about aloud.  Like this gem of an email I got this am:


Subject:  Are you a maid?


Hey there,
I'm reaching out to you because Thumbtack is getting a lot of job leads for maids, and I'm looking for another maid who is interested in taking on more clients.

After checking out your website I think you are a great fit for Thumbtack and I'd love to start sending you job leads. Please fill out a few details about your skills and rates, and I'll start forwarding you potential new clients.

If you have any questions about what Thumbtack can provide, please don't hesitate to ask.

Thanks,
Heather
--
Subject: RE: Are you a moron?


Oh hey there Heather,


Unfortunately, no, I'm not a maid. They didn't offer that major where I went to college to get my higher education. Instead I work in PR and write a blog about the millions of weddings I'm in or have to attend. You'd know that if you read down say ... four seconds ... or clicked on the "About handMAID of HONOR" tab.  MAID of HONOR, get it? Like in a wedding - not in a person's house with rubber gloves.  SIDENOTE:  I should say for my readers that I truly respect housekeepers and maids.  I just don't respect recruiters who have no idea what they're doing.  If I had done that to an editor, I'd hope she'd ridicule me on Glamour.com also.


Anyways, Heather, as requested, I'd love to share a few details about my skills and rates.

• I am a huge college football fan; Penn State. Doesn't necessarily get the windows spotless though.  Back in the day I could be paid with a red Solo cup, Smirnoff and cranberry juice.
• I can name a nailpolish color with the best of them.  Apologies, skill not suited in the laundry room.
• I often manage text conversations and witty remarks on behalf of myself and clients (read: friends). Standard text msg rates apply.
• You should see the handMAID, get it?, table cards, aprons, spoons and cork toppers I've created.  I'm still working out those rates.

No questions about Thumbtack, thanks.  Let me know if you have any questions about my blog title and if I can start referring you to clients also.

Thanks much,

HMOH

HMOH: if you were to throw me a ________

Well, my productivity has met its match. I am addicted to pintrest. It's here you can store away (in perfectly organized boards) your inspirations, must-haves, wish-i-hads, and favorites.   You can follow HMOH by clicking the following link … but don't steal my ideas. I kid. No I don't. 


And now welcome please my  "If you were to throw me a _______" series.  Maybe in twenty years my friends and family can comb the HMOH archives or virtual boards for my wishful inspirations to host the perfect party for me.  

So, if you were to throw me a bridal shower ... 

I'd want it to have Martha Stewart written all over it ... with handmaid* name tags ... and I'd want the favors/dessert to be funfetti cake in a mason jar.

Go ahead, write that down. -HMOH  

HMOH photobook: get inspired.

here are things that today,

                                     -HMOH

it's the little things that count ... at your wedding

There are times that I'm not certain how I become somewhat connected ... and how I can say that a reader (and friend of a friend) was a member of this "eccentric" couple's wedding party:

Yea, so ... let's discuss.  What I'm still more confused about is how this bride let these shenanigans go down on her big day.  No midget, I mean little person, is going to outshine me as the bride. Hell, I can't imagine I'd agree to this (I meannnn, maybe a choreographed dance or something) without being roofied by my groom-to-be or promised a serious upgrade on my ring and second honeymoon by our one year anniversary.  But I've been informed by my sources that there was also a little person at the bride's bachelorette and FIVE (yep, five) bridal showers, not including the bar crawl in honor of this lady.  Apparently she has a fondness for torturing her friends and midgets.  Dear Bride, I mean this with the utmost respect, as you are a friend of a friend of a friend. 


And Dear Groom, I'm thinking by your wedding reception it's about time to wipe the slate clean of all the other things that have been up your wife's skirt.


Of course the douchiest Web site of them all - Barstool Sports - ate this up, and I'll admit I had to lower the volume on my work computer as the porn music began to play and I began to giggle.  Regardless, I hope this garter retrieval helped get you through this Hump Day.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say this thing makes it way through the internet fast ... that this wedding took place in New Jersey, and that I have plenty of a gentleman friends who would want to upstage this couple. 

So I ask - would you allow this at your reception?  Leave thoughts, comments, chuckles, shout outs to your fave little person, etc. below.

-HMOH

SIDENOTE: sh*t my dad texts

NOTE: Names (except for Mom and Dad), have been changed to protect the innocent. - HMOH

Text convo with Dad, 10:00 a.m. ET

"Good morning, HMOH (sidenote to sidenote: no, he doesn't really call me that. Like I said, I'm protecting the innocent.). How are you? Just dropped by to say hello and that I love you and wish you a great day! Also want to ask if you received a message from my banker friend [NAME].  He is a good looking kid. He is also a Virgo like you. Give him a shot, you will like him. Love you. Dad"

"Hi Dad. Doing well! How are you doing? Love you lots - and scared you're playing matchmaker."

"Don't be scared. I'm just thinking of you.  He is a good kid ... you might like him. Really good looking! ... [INSERT OTHER ADJECTIVES ... my Dad is clearly into him]. Answer his email. Say hello. You can be friends, ok!  Just want the best for you! LU" (that's 'Love You' in Dad).

Text convo with Mom, 2:45 p.m. ET

"Just saw [INSERT EX BOYFRIEND'S PARENTS]. They send their love."

"Great. Did you tell them I'm pretty, skinny and tan?"

"Absolutely!! They already knew.  Did you see the email I sent you with the Penn State ribbon I ordered? We Are!!"