bachelor season 16 recap: episode 1

Ughhhhhhhhh, I accidentally watched again. In fact, I almost forgot what would be a two hour time suck that evening, but was graciously reminded by my friend Adam that "I mean, I'm not watching but I'm sure you are."   And so like with each passing season, I did not want to ... but then I found myself tuned into Ben, who I'm personally underwhelmed by, meet and greet 25 ridiculous ladies and one of their grandmothers. There was no turning back ... the producers had me at Amber Bacon.


The usual "let's relive Ben's heartbreaking moment" montage begins - complete with some of the most "raw and emotional moments ever in Bachelor history."  Chris Harrison (I've missed you dearly) touts that it sure takes a lot to get down on your knee and then we have a sit down chat with the new Bachelor ... who, if you ask me, needs a haircut.  One hour passes.


We meet a few of the ladies in waiting - the chick and the horse she rode in on, previously welcomed to "Dumpsville" in a break-up text (reality? doubt it).  There were a lot of girls I couldn't listen to because they had messy hair, bad skin and eat cow balls.  Some more super imposed Bachelorette episodes, crazy audition tapes.  Then the typical shallow model that will not make friends with anyone on the show, mother of one and divorcee.  And then who I'm most looking forward to ... the blogger. The crazy chick from New York City that gave me pause more so that the fact that the ugliest girl on the show shares my name.   


This season's journey begins and the limo doors open - here are a few standouts in my book:

• Rachel Rose - an Emma Stone voice and cute face; I think she'll go far
• The Baconator - I mean … we ALL know everything is better with Bacon.  Ben said it himself, so what gives?
• Jenna - The blogger.  The one who's blog traffic probably skyrocketed yesterday despite the fact that it's under construction (I know I clicked in) ... who with so much to say, has nothing to say.  She will be the resident crazy for as long as the producers make Ben keep her around.
• Miss Palisades Park - back from her stent on Jerseylicous
• Courtney - the modest model who clearly has the best personality ever.  Also an ex of Jesse Metcalfe (read: John Tucker)
• Holly the Hat from Kentucky - those who know me know how I feel about Holly and her hometown
• Blakely - the 35 year old cocktail waitress with a key to her heart tattooed on her arm.  Is anyone else thinking she's here to make the reunion shows and finally meet her soulmate Kasey?
• Monica - smart little lesbian cookie.  Here to meet 24 "gorgeous" girls.
• and Lindzi - who can ride horses but can't spell her name.

Ben gets to mingling, line dancing, staring blankly at the Blogger who is both terrifying and wasted, and staring deeply into the model Courtney's eyes.  I'll continue to call her the model Courtney as long as she continues to reference being a model.  I'll also continue to try to figure out if her mouth is legit sewed closed on the sides (they don't move).  Something I'd be pretty interested in learning more about given my holiday binges...


I very much appreciated that Shawn is the name of the most butch girl on the show, the creepy lesbian scene, and the fact that the first impression rose (FIR) clearly goes to the horse rider.

A few things friends and I have since asked ourselves: 

1. How many different ways can the name Lindsay be spelled?  And when did we just abandon the traditional one you can easily find on a pencil or magnet at the airport?
2. I mean … what better place for a lesbian to meet girls than on The Bachelorette?  Touche, Monica.  Touche.
3. Can I get in writing that the producers will let Blogger stick around for at least half the season?  I can't see myself thoroughly enjoying the episodes without her.
4. Did they seriously let an ex girlfriend back on the show?  Great job ABC - that's what I call reality right there.  Of course he's going to stop being interested in the other contestants once he's reconnected with his ex girlfriend.  Spoiler? I think I see where this whole season is going.

And with that ... and numerous hours I'm about to waste on Monday evenings.  The roses go to:

• Lindzi (FIR)
• Jamie
• Rachel (aka Emma Stone)
• Blakely
• Emily (how do I know this girl?)
• Kacie B.
• Casey S.
• Brittney (her grandma got sent home)
• Erica
• Shawn
• Nicki
• Jennifer
• Elyse
• Prom Queen from the Palisades
• Courtney the model
• Jaclyn (seriously, why must she be so hideous??)
• Lesbianica
• Jenna.crazy.com

Leave your thoughts, comments, rants and raves below!

-HMOH