SIDENOTE: it's all about me this week

This my friends and readers, is the WEEK OF ME. It revolves around me (a change from my usually not at all modest ways). I will do great things. Things that do not involve other people's wedding events. I will bring it with my laundry, swap out the summer looks for the fall fashion and try not to cry when stepping on a scale. I will embrace this eye infection spurred by drinking a bottle of wine by myself and sleeping in contacts by rocking my awesome new hipster glasses.  I will also take a moment to sidenote it out ... 

• Last week while celebrating my bestie's board approval for her new digs, I was approached by a short little fellow (very nice) who began to chat it up.  As I sipped a vodka/soda with too much lime, he told me that it's refreshing to meet a girl who could hold a conversation. Awww.  He then proceeded to ask for my number.  As I thought up the ways to go all dyslexic on my digits, I spilled the area code.  He asked where on Long Island I was from and discovered he was from the town over.  He then put his phone away and said it was too close for comfort.  Like, what?  Can't I just give you my fake number and we call it a night?
• Over the weekend I had my first experience with a bachelorette party stripper. I shutter. Ordered him from USAHunk.com. His name was Sergio (if you forgot, it said so on his ass) and he made me and other guests uncomfortable for a solid half an hour.  Imagine cousin on cousin, an abused 20-year-old MOH and scared mother of one.  Good thing the tequila and 80s dance party helped to erase the scarring.
• What do you think the dream interpreter would say about last night's nightmare when I simply forgot I had a wedding to go to and spent the day watching TV instead?
• I find I don't get jealous of the little kiddies in college anymore.  Instead I get jealous of the once-were professionals who smartened up and went to get their higher, higher education.  A savings account, a dorm room and serious assignments.  Like this diagram from my former client who is pursuing a degree in awesome at the prestigious MIT ... and will clearly go on to do great things.

FB Announcement:  "This was our core team's decision tree for the  case ... and frankly, my decision tree on life."

• You know it's time to go home from the office when you've stopped doing any type of assignment and started Googling your own name.  I mean, at least that's what people have told me.

and so I'm headed home.  

-HMOH

this day. my birthday. has started just right.

i'll be spending today with BFF, walking the city.  i'll be counting all the birthday wishes on my FB wall and all my blessings for the people who care about me.  

It's going to be a great year …  it has no choice but to be.

thanks for the bday love.

-HMOH

rollin with my psu homies, part 2

The trip to Tuscaloosa last year (and dear lord, it's been a year) was quite possibly one of the top 10 favorites of my life.  This year it's a rematch on all accounts when the Tide lands itself on Lion territory and the happiest place on earth. I'm not sure about the performance on the field... but I'm damn certain about the performance on the IM fields.  Those Southern folk are about to see how Yankees throw a tailgate. 


No flood warnings or closed roads are going to stop this stampede of Nittany Lion alums headed back.  Here's what I'm looking forward to...





Passing by the old sorority floor in Haller Hall and realizing I'm too scared to approach and find out just how not cool I am anymore. Or worse. Realizing my sorority isn't cool anymore.

Scanning my ID at Mad Mex on the first Friday up and witnessing the train wreck photo from the last time I was there pop up. That can't be good for anyone.  

Wondering where the cool kids hang now a days ... and if the stripper from my 21st birthday is still working the door.

9 a.m. tailgates. Sweet tea vodka. PSU vs. Bama flip cup.

Making these guys' jobs easy.

Old people pretending they still have what it takes.

Being all over late night pepperoni rolls from Gumby's.

This.

and this.

We ARE ...


-HMOH

when your maid of honor is a natural disaster

Yea, I prepared for the pending hurricane before heading to Connecticut for the weekend.  I refilled my Brita and a water bottle hoping it'd last me 72 hours. I moved my one piece of furniture away from the window (which meant next to my bed), had my Super put a towel next to my A/C to "avoid flooding," and prayed the power was working when I got back so I wouldn't have to climb to the 15th floor.


Be what it may, I didn't exactly feel panicked by the pending storm.  Can't say the same for the bride-to-be. Imagine this chick Irene was threatening to come to your wedding uninvited?  People found out she'd be rolling through and cancelled last minute.  And what if your maid of honor was a natural disaster … no, your real maid of honor.  Best friend from home. A disaster.  


I at least thought with the number of nuptials and bridesmaid duties behind me I'd have seen it all.  I never expected to find myself in a hotel room on a wedding's eve telling the bride that there are worst things in life than having a hurricane threaten to ruin your reception, cancel your honeymoon flights and leave expected guests stranded and forced into last minute cancellations. I, through her tears and rants and my serious prayers to the wedding and hurricane gods, explained that things could definitely be worse.  She wasn't buying it.


After insisting that the evacuation plan slipped under the hotel doors was bogus, I serenaded her with Bruno Mars' "Marry Me" and we started the day off with a smile.  No TVs - the news and weather reports of "the end of the world" didn't exist as far as we were concerned. She was going to marry her best friend and the love of her life.  No bitch Irene was about to ruin that. I mediated frantic calls from guests in NY … on the road from Baltimore … I got my hair half curled for an awesome $100 and prepared to look great in wedding photos. Everyone that could be was on their way, and Mother Nature wasn't about to stop this show.


Things could be worst we said.  If we got stranded, the bridesmaids were organizing a sick game of manhunt, and guests were packing board games and "emergency supplies" of Doritos and Cheez-Its should we be forced to live in the hotel for a few days. Secretly, it didn't seem like the worst thing, and despite the media frenzy, we were confident that Irene would come and go.  Apparently … so would the Maid of Honor. 


Now, I knew this MOH was bat shit crazy.  I could handle her nastygram emails with the best of them - nothing wine and a three-day response time to avoid saying things I'd regret wouldn't fix. I forgot the fact that she wasn't planning to give a speech at the wedding and I donned a smile with the bride's best interests in mind.  But when Husband of Maid of Honor (not to be confused with HMOH) came into the salon on the wedding morning like a raging bull, I knew this was about to go down.  This fool insisted that the wedding be cancelled or that the two of them were fleeing to safer grounds of the Upper East Side Manhattan (you know, the place that was currently being evacuated). With rollers in her hair, Maid of Crazy and hubby jumped in their car back home.  She skipped out on the photos, wedding ceremony and reception.  Rolled through town quicker than a category 3.  This I can safely say, was something I'd never seen before.  


I know what you're thinking.  What?  Seriously?  Correct.  Luckily, the bride and groom are loved by many and the wedding was absolutely amazing despite the shit storms. I woke up with licorice ropes in my bed (courtesy of the candy bar) and next to a room full of friends and charlie horses from dancing all night.  We were back at a NYC diner by noon ... and lying in bed with pizza and the horrendous MTV VMAs through the evening.


I'd say that if it's good luck when it rains on your wedding day, this marriage just won the lotto.  I'd also say if Irene wasn't a fat girl's name, it'd be in the running for their first daughter.  

Well, 4 weddings down, 3 more to go this year.  Here's wishing the newlyweds and weddings that survived this past weekend nothing but sunny skies moving forward.  And check out some great wedding photos here.  

-HMOH


HMOH tip #901:  People Not to Invite to Your Wedding

• Hurricane Irene
• Maid of Crazy
• Any cast member of the Jersey Shore
• Your exes
• Beyonce or any one who is about to announce she's pregnant by ripping open her tuxedo on your dance floor