- In a bind to find her boyfriend a quick birthday present, a friend asked the HMOH for some ideas.
- HMOH: What about one of those handmaid (sp) coupon books you made for your mom in 4th grade (e.g., "Do the Dishes Coupon") but with more rated R ones.
- Friend: Cute. But then I'd have to do what's on the coupon. Next.
- HMOH: Lingerie?
- Friend: Too fat to go there right now. So do I buy him tequila or vodka?
- HMOH: Either.
- When do my brothers get old enough to not want video games for the holidays? I hope not anytime soon.
- I told my friend recently that I'm giving a speech at her wedding (no worries, she's not engaged nor has she been dating him for long) and it's going something like "I knew this was true love. It takes a real man to like a girl in Sketchers Shape-ups."
- I recently had a conversation with a co-worker about how much it would suck to come back in life as an alarm clock. You'd have to have done something terribly wrong to live again as the one thing everyone in this world hates most.
- Spoiler: not everyone in NYC is in the holiday spirit. Last week I was headed to a business meeting over drinks. I saw a cab's light pop on and I ran over to jump in. A young lady busted in front of me and stole it. Clearly, I needed to confront the situation. After she told me it was not my cab and explained that "anyone could be heading to a business meeting", she got inside. I offered to help close the door, looked her in the eye and said "Have a Happy Holiday" (only slight sarcasm seeping through. fine. whatever.). I walked to my coworker to bitch her out behind her back. Four secs later the taxi door opened and she got out, offering me the ride. Booya.
- You know that one time(s) when you accidentally drop a little crazy and then get called out on your shit? Yea, no. Me either.
- I seemed to have lost my gym bag over the weekend, thinking I might have left it in my office. Bust. Spent the day at work picking out new Nikes, deciding if I went iPod mini vs. shuffle and hating on myself for accidentally buying that new bag. Instead it was at the nail salon (whatever, so I got a mani instead of working out on Friday). Picked it up, went to dinner, left it at dinner, ran back to retrieve, again. If that's not a "stay fat and keep your new handbag" sign, I'm not sure what is.
- Today at the gym the gal who stepped on the scale before me left the slider at her weight. Bitch. She was a solid 12 lbs lighter than me, so I looked her up and down to figure out how. Despite the fact that she was taller, here are the obvious reasons why:
- My boobs are bigger: +3lbs
- My newly acquired double chin: +2lbs
- Muscles. I must have more muscles and they weigh more than fat: +2lbs
- She clearly has not drank for the past 12 days like I have: +4lbs
- Unlike me, she probably passed on the Christmas cookie today: +1lb
- I've taken to wearing elastic waisted pants for the sake of the season. Then I saw an infomercial for these little miracles - do you love stylish, sexy jeans? um, ya! do you love soft, comfy bottoms? hell ya. Pajama jeans. On my Christmas list (take note Mom). Bahaha, just like a second set of skin. Wearing. to. Work. Every. Day.
Peace. Joy. Happiness. Yo.
-HMOH
-HMOH
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