SIDENOTE: heard from the hallways

I work with a majority of women so the banter in the hallways is what you would see in the movies, and what would likely make dudes puke.  Today a pow wow outside my office at 9:30 a.m. addressed how some people are wearing boots too soon (people in NYC ... and by people I mean idiots ... have been wearing UGGs since August).  One girl chimed in with "I mean, I saw someone wearing tights today!"  And so it was awkward when I looked down at my skirt with tights ... and short boots ... and felt pretty bad about myself.  


Then there are conversations you overhear from across the way and you have to make that conscious decision if you're allowed to laugh out loud or not.  Like today, newlywed Dena was talking to her husband and helping him to respond to an HR manager for a position he's applied to.  This is what the rest of us heard:

• So I'm supposed to take time out of my work day to do this for you?
• Oh, so you don't know how to attach a file? You have no problem doing it every week for fantasy football.
• Well. If you can't write an email then you should be a janitor.
• You know what Steve, I'll just write it.  I have to go.

And there you have it.  The hallway got entertained for a solid 5 minutes, and Steve got what he wanted.  Reminds me of how my brothers asked a million questions of where dishes went in the kitchen so my mom would show them and then realize she'd just put them all away.


On another note - this week I decided to not drink and to pick up anorexia.  Unfortunately the no eating thing lasted from breakfast until lunch.  I think we can all agree that Summer can take its toll on thighs, midsections and livers. A friend recently got a text from her trainer asking her if she ever planned on coming back. I went for 20 minutes on Sunday before I decided I was going to die.  So with the motivation of my dress being much shorter yesterday than it was last year (no, it didn't shrink in the wash) - coworkers and I have created a 'Biggest Loser Club' at the office.  So even if we're talking 3 lbs here (a la Regina George), this program makes you accountable for your gym habits ... and what you pick up off the table left over from client meetings and brainstorms.  It's going to get nasty.  People have threatened to make pumpkin loaves and cookies and leave them in the kitchen to tempt the competition.  But luckily someone has agreed to send 'thinspirational' thoughts each week - and then we'll accompany them with pics like this: 

For our office showdown, you will receive a gold star each time you go to the gym and the person with the most by end of month will get a mani/pedi on the rest of the folks. The competition starts on the first of the October.  So, yea, Friday.  That should work out really well for anyone who plans to live through a weekend.


The format is similar to one I started with my two roommates a few years ago.  We affectionately called it B.A.Y.E. (or "Best Anorexic Year Ever") on a posterboard in our living room.  We tracked our stars for three weeks and got bored, but the poster remained up for two years. Instead, guests would spend evenings while we pregamed determining what we were getting stars for.  There were certain times I needed to defend why I had the most.


On a related note, I was made to watch this video ["Boys Will Be Girls"] at the Cheesecake Factory after I panicked over the menu.  It's now New York State law to include calorie content on chain restaurant menus - which at Cheesecake means eating your weight in lunch. Thankfully it was my birthday (for real, my actual birthday) and the calories didn't count.


Check it out - you'll laugh, you'll agree (you'll lose interest after 3 minutes) and then you'll have a taste of what my office hallways sound like.





-HMOH

SIDENOTE: it's my party and i'll cry if i want to

• Yea, so I'm going to need the attention of New Yorkers for a moment: Do not even go near Veranda bar and restaurant.  They serve up a side of A-hole when it comes to service at the door.  The dudes outside made the birthday girl (ahemm, me) cry after trying to act like their otherwise empty bar was the cool place to be last Friday. They turned away friends and tried to charge upwards of a $75 drink minimum for people to enter into their shitty establishment. Running home so upset made me forget I wanted to eat pizza from the place next to my apartment at 2:00 a.m. WTF. After I informed the bouncer I hated he is a d-bag, I will follow up on my promise to ruin their lives. A plan to write up horrible reviews on every Yelp, CitySearch, etc. site I can think of ... starting with NY Magazine.  Don't mess with a pissed off birthday girl (yes. still.) who happens to work in PR AND have her own blog.

• To make up for an otherwise stressful Friday evening, a friend and I went for an awesome brunch in Chelsea Market's Friedman's (worth your time) and then strolled to L'Arte de Gelato in the West Village.  The gelato shop has a few locations throughout the city, and lucky for me a family friend is the owner.   Get the pistachio (imported from Sicily) - try the olive oil.  In addition to our ordered gelatos, the hook up led to a sampling of every flavor you could imagine (which led to essentially a second helping).  The place is frequented by the likes of Bobby Flay and Mario Batali, not to mention consulates from the Italian embassy who are searching for a taste of home.  What's great about L'Arte is that they also do special occasions (read: weddings).  This is certainly something sweet you may want to consider for an upcoming New York City soirée - I'm considering it for next year's birthday. Maybe I wouldn't be so frustrated on Friday if they fed me ice cream.

• At a bar over the weekend I noticed a girl beside me with a nasty piece of toilet paper stuck to her shoe. I was warned not to make an awkward situation more awkward (more like begged not to go over to her), but that's not the code of girl.  I'd want to know, and she should too. I kindly walked over to her, told her she had TP on her foot, agreed we were best friends after she shouted she loved me. So nice of me, right?  So she doesn't need to know I stumbled upon her little situation while I was judging her for the over-the-top, little shiny dress that she was busting out of.

-HMOH

SIDENOTE: a happy birthday to me (yes. still.)

It's Friday!  And what's even better is that tonight is a continuation of the HMOH's bday at a NYC joint with friends.  My younger brother will be there - likely to do what he always does on these special occasions and have the bouncers lead out any males who come within my vicinity.  Apparently this stems from a greasy haired fellow, likely with fleas, that might have been the object of my affection for my 25th a few years ago.  

• My favorite people watching (or staring) is usually on public transportation.  A gentleman entered the subway yesterday morning with the worst handlebar mustache I've ever seen (and that includes my time spent working with Rollie Fingers).  It needed some kind of split end, hot oil treatment and maybe some more finger twirling.  I stared hardcore when I noticed him knitting what looked to be a small sleeve - likely for a baby's sweater. But you know what?  He was the only one to say "bless you" when I sneezed. I'm sorry for judging you, mustache knitter man. Bless you too. That sweater is probably going to orphans in Uganda.  You're definitely not just the pedophile I initially took you for. 
• With Fall weather in the mid-80s here yesterday, I took a break from sitting in front of the computer to stroll over to the nearest Pinkberry for some mango fro-yo.  The young man who served us yogurt had a "boobie" tattoo on his arm.  "Boobie" spelled in pretty cursive.  How's a mature adult, with a straight face nonetheless, supposed to order frozen yogurt with a boobie in their face?  call me immature, but if you did not laugh at this i call you boring.
• The woman at the salad place automatically gave me whole wheat bread.  Is she calling me fat?
• Yesterday, while I was being a brat (whatever), I threw out the "well it's my birthday" card (yes. still.).  I was then asked if I'd be pulling my crap and broadcasting another year older next year  - well into my late twenties.  Of course I will if it still gets me things.

So yea, great friends in town to celebrate my bday (yes. still.) and then the engagement (and birthday) of Danielle to Jason.  Stay tuned for a recap of the party - which I've been told has a sushi chef on hand ... and a big pool that someone will likely land themselves in fully clothed (or not) by the end of the night.


ONE MORE THING: To all my fans - those who have been to weddings, been in weddings, had their very own - please read.  I'm pulling together what I hope will be a funny post based off an article shared with me by a friend (I'm being modest, it'll absolutely be funny).  Please submit any awkward wedding photos you may have to HMOH for a chance to be publicized (or humiliated) on the site.  Your help is greatly appreciated!

Happy weekend!

-HMOH

SPOTTED: chuck bass and vanessa at HMOH bday

Last night my amazing friends organized a bday dinner at West Village's Extra Virgin (yes, it's still my birthday until October in case you didn't know).  Clearly we were all fashionably late to the reservation and threatened our table would be given away.  We all arrived and after amazing food (mac and cheese truffles, french fries with fontina cheese, caramelized brussel sprouts, chilean sea bass and a molten chocolate birthday cake), we, like mature adults, played a game of "Never Have I Ever" at the dinner table.  A classy bunch of New York City girls - and that's why I love them.


Living in New York City, I find myself jaded by celebrity sightings (ok, that's a lie but I try). When you pass movie set after movie set, you sometimes just get pissed that you can't cross the street ...  it's the New Yorker in you. But then there are celebrities that however cool you want to be around them, you won't be.  


If you know me, you know that I sometimes forget I'm not a star in the show Gossip Girl (or that I'm ten years older than them, but whatevs).  The show films on my old block and so I've walked by to watch scenes, purposefully made reservations at Angelo's Pizzeria to watch the gang film at the local Pinkberry, or confused myself when the YMCA across the street from my apartment was turned into a police station for a day.  I also thought I babysat one of the characters until I realized Blair Waldorf babysat her in an episode and I actually had never met her before in my life.  


But remember when Happy Meals were all the rage (are they still??), and you'd beg to go back each week so you could complete the set of 6 miniature Barbie dolls otherwise you'd face social suicide on the playground?  Yep, the cast of Gossip Girl - unknowingly - is my happy meal.  Last night, I added another two to the set as Chuck and Vanessa clearly heard about my bday festivities and sat next door to overhear our game of NHIE.  


SPOTTED:

• Dan and Serena at Artichoke Pizza - check (NOTE: I bought them pizza because I'm cool like that and had just hung out with Penn Badgley's mom) 
• Penelope at an Alphabet City bar - check (just a friend of a friend's girlfriend at the time, so clearly I knew her before she was famous)
• Eric and Jenny filming at Pinkberry - check 
• Rufus and Lilly kissing on set on E. 54th st - check 
• Rufus again at Cafe Metro by my office - check (picking up a diet coke)
• Chuck Bass and Vanessa last night at Sant Ambroeus  - check (seated next to Ferris Bueller actually)

But as I was reminded this morning when I thought I completed the set ... I have yet to bump into Nate or my BFFAE Blair.  It's ok, because when it happens she'll likely ask me to be her Maid of Honor.


A disclaimer: I'm not just saying this to be cool - because quite frankly a ridiculous show based on a book series for tweens doesn't make a girl now in her late twenties that awesome.  And usually as a city gal you have to keep calm and not ask to take photos.  But sometimes you do ... and sometimes you just creepily do it from your cell phone when they turn around. 

SPOTTED: BFFAE

SPOTTED:  Rufus at Cafe Metro

xoxo - HMOH (yep, I went there)

HMOH madly in love

Once again, Mad Men was amazing last night.  I came across this awesome "madly in love" inspiration board and thought I'd share.  The one element from this I'm really trying to recreate for my wedding (TBD) is the groom.  Sign. me. up.

-HMOH

SIDENOTE: a happy birthday to me

Well, it's official.  As of yesterday, I'm in my late 20s (my brother was quick to remind me). Thanks to all my incredible family and friends for sending tons of bday love my way this past weekend.  Now to rambling in my old age:

• On Saturday I went with my dad to the 84th annual San Gennaro festival in Little Italy.  A mob scene that attracts millions of people, questionable people, each year (can you say, serious anxiety).  There were calzones, street meat, zeppolis and cannolis galore - an attempt at merchandising the cast of the Jersey Shore, and the reason I'm scared to tell people I'm Italian.  Clearly my dad (an Italian immigrant) knew the man at the calzone tent from the "old neighborhood", and clearly his name was Pete the Hook.  We got fresh calzones made especially for us - something my dad called the "hook" up. See what he did there?

• As for mobsters - HBO's Boardwalk Empire was awesome and I plan to be a follower for the season until I decide Steve Buschemi is too ugly for me. 
• When we were younger, a successful birthday consisted of getting the sick toy that you were holding out for, having the cool peeps from your grade show up to your ceramics party and then passing out Dunkin Doughnuts munchkins to your class and all the teachers who always claimed to be on a diet (or was that just Long Island??).  Now a successful birthday consists of texts and opening up your G-mail account to see you have 65 new emails from your friend Facebook titled "XX posted on your wall."
• My brother set me up to the challenge to get at least a solid 100 Facebook wall posts by end of day - even though my birthday was on a Sunday (no easy feat).  I won without having to call in reinforcements, so thank you to my closest and not as closest friends for making it all possible.
• I really get bothered when I see perfectly, healthy men (with two legs and nice watches) sitting down on the subway while a lady stands up in front of them.  Or how I always offer my seat to a pregnant woman or older person - while other bums sit and watch.  Chivalry was dead until Don Draper came to town ... stand up, give her your seat and stand like a gentleman.  A- thank you.
• Monday morning started with a trip to the office Keurig coffee machine - which was clearly broken. So I took a trip down to our company's second floor to use their machine.  No skim milk. Took the elevator down to the cafeteria to pay for my coffee and opted for the large.  Realized I had just $1 in cash (the cashier pardoned my ridiculousness by charging me for the small).  Rode the elevator up with the lady who stocks the fridges and 20 cartons of skim milk.
• I will be extending my birthday for the remainder of the month, because that's how I roll.  On my to-do list for the week is to make my "30 before 30" list.  I'm definitely going to put "lose 5 lbs" on there. Three years is a reasonable goal for that, right?

-HMOH

follow HMOH on Twitter!

Hey HMOH fans  - Now you can follow HMOH on Twitter!

Go ahead.  Show your support. Get on it.

thank you.

- HMOH
@handmaidofhonor.com

SIDENOTE: free fallin'

Finally some planned low key weekends spent roaming the city that I love - birthday and engagement celebrations, weekend strolls, trips to Chelsea Market for bread and the Union Square farmers market to get fresh flowers ... I have time for the Fall TV line-up, plus more time to think about random nonsense and record it here.

• In the coming weeks when pedicures are worthless and the big sweaters come out, I'll be taking IN all Fall has to offer and likely taking OUT my pants (no, I mean the seams) from last year.
• I told my coworker yesterday to ask me in the morning if I went to the gym last night and if I didn't - to judge me.
• The man who lives in the apartment below me has already complained that I "wear high heels around" and it bothers him (he actually cornered my friend in the elevator to have her relay the message). Since I've been in the apartment prob a total of 5 days since moving in, I can tell we're going to be fast friends.
• How much does it suck when you're flipping through channels and you catch the tail-end of a great movie? I caught the Fourth Quarter of For Love and Basketball last night. Like it couldn't have waited until I had sat down and found it to start? 
• Last night I also took on building a bookshelf at 10 p.m.. DUMB. Especially after I screwed the shelves on backwards and was too tired to care.
• Caught up with my baby brother yesterday who is at the University of Arizona (bless his soul).  After he offered kind words about how PSU got "merked beyond belief" (kids these days), I asked him what he was up to:

(3:05:23 PM) ME: what are you up to? [told you]
(3:06:00 PM) BRO: im just chillen in my morning robe figuring out if i want to go to class or not... [HMOH NOTE: please excuse the fact that he's on PST; it's still noon and not technically morning] 
(3:06:08 PM) ME: aw my poor baby [read: sarcasm]
(3:06:13 PM) ME: do you need help with that?
(3:06:25 PM) BRO: nah i think ive made up my mind [sarcasm is hereditary]
(3:06:31 PM) ME: and what did you conclude?
(3:06:45 PM) BRO: not gonna go to oceanography, but gonna go to my 2 classes after that
(3:06:51 PM) ME: you're a good person
(3:07:00 PM) ME: who clearly values the importance of underwater sea life
(3:07:03 PM) BRO: 2/3 aint bad
(3:16:54 PM) BRO: ima go make some breakfast and play a game of madden [HMOH NOTE: he's not a hoodlum;  he just plays one on-line]


Over today before it's even started. Happy Wednesday!


-HMOH

NAT GEO WILD Part II: saving the psu tailgater

As much as it pains me to put a foot voluntarily on this blog - it was necessary.  very necessary. If I thought a rough voice and Monday morning bad hair day was a serious tailgating injury, nothing compares to Ashley's new Fall look - the black boot. Welcome home PSU tailgater.  You Southern Lady, you.  Here's a note to work from home for two weeks and only partake in light activities on account of your severely sprained toes. 

How'd it happen you ask?  Not really sure, but the doctor may or may not have prescribed "lay off the alcohol."

-HMOH

NAT GEO WILD: penn state vs. alabama

If I don't see an airport or plane for the remainder of the year, I'd be ok with that. At least for now.  I'm without a voice and a little under the weather given my recent trip to the South.  It's been one of those days when I've questioned if I'm getting too old for this.  LIE. For starters, the plane to Birmingham on Thursday evening seated about 50 passengers - of which 40 were dressed in blue and white. There was an initial attempt at a "WE ARE" chant when we were told to put our tray tables in the upright position - and not surprising, the flight attendant informed the group we were out of alcohol with about an hour left to go.  If Penn State was headed down for the football massacre, they weren't about to do it sober.

With five of us in town for the weekend, we got the private tour of Birmingham from Alabama native (and our gracious host) Jennie.  Her five bedroom + sun room home is incredible with floor to ceiling doors, winding stairs and perfectly decorated with antiques (and a rent less than my studio apartment; JEALOUS).  There were burlap sacks with our initials waiting in the foyer upon arrival with "Welcome down South" items: Sweet Tea, Edgar's Bakery lemon squares, Southern Lady magazine, pickle-flavored chips (my favorite) and napkins that read:  "What happens tonight ... goes on Facebook tomorrow."  Needless to say, the local tour didn't disappoint. 

We did some Friday morning shopping, picked up $140 worth of alcohol for Saturday and visited Saw's BBQ (the wait-staff was less than appreciative of us being PSU fans).  I did my best at an attempt to eat BBQ with the chicken+broccoli tater. At night we saw a great view of the city from The Club (pronounced: THEE Club), were treated to free appetizers (a second dinner) at Bottega, hit up a local watering hole and then made our way home for a pickle chips and cheddar Whales party.  We soon passed out to prepare for an early morning start time.

After an impressive breakfast of cheese grits, bacon, biscuits and potato casserole - we chugged bloody marys, rushed out the door, realized we forgot the cooler with all our alcohol, drove back home to retrieve (PRIORITIES), and showed up panicked to catch the bus from B'ham to Tuscaloosa. Our ride to the game in a police-escorted bus with Penn State's President was most impressive.  The folks waiting on us (we were the last a'holes to arrive) were probably less than impressed. Alabama fans and cars decked in Crimson flags pulled to the side of the interstate as 30 of the Birmingham Alumni Association's older, more mature members (and six not-so-recent-grads) rode into town.

After a long day of football, trip to the stadium, and 45-minute ride turned 4-hour trip back home (let's just say Jennie's dad will never forget me) we returned to Jennie's with an SEC football game under our belts.  We ended this past weekend on Sunday with a "breakfast" of real Southern fare (perfect for a hangover since you got to choose what sides you wanted) and rode back to NYC with a bunch of tired and disgruntled Penn State fans who weren't about to request any alcohol on the flight home.

I'm all mac-n-cheesed out, could do for a solid 15 hour nap tonight and have been saying "y'all" quite a bit.  And fine, we lost. I know - but although the Tide is the apparent winner with a 24-3 final score, here is a look at the additional match-ups for the Lions vs. the Tide from this past weekend ...  I unofficially declare Penn State the winner. 

PENN STATE VS. ALABAMA

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 11

FOOTBALL

Winner: Alabama

We knew it was going to happen - let's be serious, we got spanked.  But even a caller into the local ESPN radio station was impressed by the number of fans that showed up to have a good time, admitting defeat prior to play.  We were in the bible belt, but it was going to take more than a Christmas miracle this year to beat the #1 team.

HOSPITALITY

Winner: Alabama

In my years at Penn State - when we were far from a consistently winning team - I saw less than nice PSU fans tell Ohio State fans where to go or steal an innocent Nebraska fan's family heirloom hat and offer up a ransom note, not to mention a student section sporting t-shirts like "F*ck Miami".  At the Arby's outside the stadium we were kindly and genuinely (mean it) told to get home safely.  Friends trying to make their way from the game to the bars in Tuscaloosa were offered rides from strangers, and took them.  One happened to be a past convict passing through, but he was hospitable all the same.

FLIP CUP

Winner: Penn State

After making our way through a bunch of tents in unfamiliar territory (stare downs), our group dressed in navy blue/white sundresses (not anything compared to the sorority gals in heels - DUMB) and sporting game day buttons found ourselves among the UA fraternity folk playing a friendly game of flip cup.  Someone suggested a Bama (boys) vs. PSU (girls) competition not knowing that although they have a top-ranked football program, we all graduated with a degree in drinking games - I mean our mascot got a DUI and is on probation.  We left while on top, passed by our fellow fans and headed to meet friends at a Penn State tailgate.

TAILGATING

Winner: Penn State

I'm not going to even try to paint a picture of what the Penn State tailgate brought.  The few photos here will not do it justice, as I refused to post a pic of Ashley's feet in the ice-filled baby pool filled with beer and who knows what else.  Someone at the airport best referred to the confused and enamoured Alabama fans who made their way over to see what was going as "spectators of a National Geographic special on 'the exotic Penn State tailgaters.'  There were a few complimentary "Wow, you all know how to party" comments passed - and the onsite radio DJ professed on air "Those are the best looking Penn Staters I've seen all day" as we walked by - but really it was more people standing around in utter shock and disbelief at what was transpiring.

 

And the best thing about it - we are alumni.  Five, six, some even more years out.  The only ones with disposable income to make our way down to the game.  You should see our current students or recent graduates at a frat-tastic tailgate. They're an even rarer breed and worthy of a series that would rival 'Shark Week'.

STADIUM
Winner: Penn State/Alabama
It was cute when all the nice Bama fans told us we'd be shocked to see the stadium and all their 100,000 fan seating has to offer.  A short mention that our stadium is bigger made them quiet down.  But to the Tide's credit - they're a lively group of fans whose "Roll Tide" echoes through the stadium as much as a "WE ARE" or quick play of "Zombie Nation".  Penn Staters abandoned their usual chant and replaced it with "sorry for partying" this weekend. I'd much prefer a Beaver Stadium game, but will give credit where credit is due.

oh, and if I wasn't convinced it's the best place on earth to spend four years (and countless hours of college football) ... here's one more:


WELL-ROUNDED PROSPECTS, LIFE SKILLS, CORPORATE CACHE
Winner:  Penn State
Despite our wild performance on the ground of the University of Alabama, we are still a sought after alumni crowd. I got my current job a few years ago without a voice after returning from the 2007 Ohio State game, and a recent Wall Street Journal piece reported (according to 479 recruiters), that public universities are producing "the most prepared and well-rounded prospects for entry-level jobs, with better life skills to fit in to their corporate cultures and prosper."  Penn State topped the list.


While I'm clearly past my entry-level days, let this be a lesson to you all:  tailgating is likely a life skill worth perfecting.  And let this cold and sore throat be a lesson to me:  you're getting too old for this.


-HMOH

SIDENOTE: alabama bound

Finger nails are painted blue.  Navy/white sundress is packed.  Monogrammed tervis tumbler awaits.
This Yankee is headed down South.  LET'S GO STATE!