i am thankful for ...

Happy Turkey Day all!  Since I spend the majority of my time writing what I do not appreciate at all (men not offering their seats on the subway, tailgating in dresses, weddings on holiday weekends ... sorry), let's take a moment to reflect on all the joys in my life that remind me I'm extremely blessed.  

I'm thankful for:

• my brothers.  They are hands down my favorite people on earth.
• my parents ... despite their crazies, they'll always love me unconditionally.
• my family, their health, my puppy, my blankie.
• my grandmother (bless her soul) who with dementia has become the life of the party. Apparently she's moved from asking my mom if I have a boyfriend ... to asking if I'm pregnant.
• my friends. My rocks that have seen me through some tough times, but also the nuts that made the best of times what they were. My life is lived with my friends.
• their emails and text messages like the ones this morning - "In case you were wondering, I was at a strip club last night." or "Happy Thanksgiving! I went out last night, met a boy, have been throwing up all day and definitely lost 5 lbs from it. Take that scale! xoxo."
• those serving our country so I can be home eating Thanksgiving dinner with my family.
• the fact that Beauty and the Beast is on right now and my T-day wine buzz has died down enough for me to thoroughly enjoy it.
• Penn State tailgates that start at 7:30 a.m. with a mimosa and end with Papa John's pizza and a hangover ... at 6 p.m.  
• the ban on Four Loko, which I tried at last weekend's PSU tailgate.  Been there, done that, no reason that should be legal. 
• more happy couples getting married! My friend Matt recently popped the question to his g/f.  He held up his end of the deal by texting me our secret code that would signal it had happened.  I sucked by missing the text while I was napping off the Four Loko (and mid-morning blackout, see above).  
• the gym being up the block and Thanksgiving being a total excuse to skip the workout and eat your daily caloric intake ... in one bite.
• feeling so full you're going to die; leggings.
• it being completely acceptable to start playing holiday music now, even if "All I Want For Christmas" secretly comes onto your iPod's "gym" playlist year round.
• Facebook (see also: Things I'm Not Thankful For)
• Gossip Girl, hip hop classes, Modern Family, Pinkberry, Jon Hamm, bread people.
• Love Actually, Christmas trees, visitors and another year to look forward to ...
• my readers and the internet; for letting me rant, rave and share nonsense, for sending compliments and providing content (intentionally or unknowingly) ... and keeping me going.

I am thankful.  

-HMOH

SIDENOTE: tis the season

Oh well hello.  Apologies for having a job and late nights at the office - and not bringing my A-game.  Since we last met (yea, you know ... last week) I feel like we're fully into the winter/holiday season (despite a high of 60 today).  Even if the city isn't yet decorated in its festive finest, the days are flying by and every time I hear a client deadline is "end of the month" I realize that's next week.  The Rockefeller Tree is on its way down from upstate New York.  Lots of good food, family, visitors and fun in the coming weeks ... and I'm trying to slow it down a bit! 

• I google imaged (totally a verb) "holly" to get this fine clipart and make this festive. The only images that came up were of that Playboy chick. 
• On Tuesday, HMOH got her groove back at a hip hop class.  Prior to heading into the studio I watched a Step class wind down and a man pop out to propose to his girlfriend.  Now I know beggars can't be choosers, but all I could think about was how mortified I'd be if I were captured sweaty and in spandex for my engagement photos.  Then I saw the ring and decided I wouldn't care.
• Is it cool that I found a picture of my emaciated body after a break up - circled my back rib cage, added an arrow and made it the background of my computer for motivation?  Don't you dare judge me ... of course it's cool.  It's not cool that when telling my best friend what I had done she said, "yea, even though I know you were in a dark place ... I hated you for being that skinny."  
• Yesterday morning I got a text that said "I'm dying, it was nice knowing you." and an im that said "I'm going to throw myself out the window or slit my wrists ... whatever is fastest." Like I said, "tis the season".
• A friend at work sent me a link to view a super adorable Ralph Lauren sweater ... for infants.  I asked if there was something she needed to tell me.  She reminded me that in order to be "with child", one has to have been "with men".  Touche.
• Headed this weekend to see "Miss Abigail's Guide to Dating, Mating and Marriage" on Broadway, starring Eve Plumb of The Brady Bunch.  And by on Broadway, I mean off-off Broadway.  I'll let you know if I learn anything important - but something tells me I'm going to want to get up on stage and contribute after my all-you-can-drink brunch.
• Funny videos pass my way often - especially working in media.  Check out this adorable 5-year-old as she puts to use those great morals her parents taught her:  Always do for family, and never be caught under-dressed when the ambulance shows up.
• Here's another awkward video of a 25-year-old who puts to use those great morals her parents taught her:  Always say thank you after a much older man buys you a beer.

Wow, sooo ready for the weekend.  Catch ya on the flipside!

-HMOH

pretty damn euphoric it's friday in NYC

I saw that NYCers (including myself) posted the shit out of this awesome blog post yesterday - 50 Reasons to Be Pretty Damn Euphoric You Live In New York City.  As cheesy as it sounds, this list was perfect.  Perfect because I get butterflies every time I fly back into the city, and perfect because it confirmed it's socially accepted here to act like you're in college well into your mid-life crisis.  Perfect because I TOTALLY have my spot on the subway platform where I wait for the door to open up right in front of me and take me right to where the stairs are when I'm getting off. 


Perfect because after lovin' on my city and posting this for all of the Facebook world to see ... I headed down to the subway station to "prewalk" to that perfect subway spot.  Sporting a fever and a pending, two-year-old's temper tantrum, I paused to let a girl pass so I wouldn't poke her in the eye with my umbrella. I heard the snarling comment from the woman behind me (she's clearly pretty damn euphoric to be here) ... and the following transpired: 

• NYC bitch: "Excuse me, we're getting wet." 
• Feverish HMOH (under her breath):  "I didn't want to poke her in the eye."  
• NYC bitch again: "Excusseeee me, what did you say?"  
• HMOH (verge of tears):  "I didn't want to poke her in the eye."  
• Man from the Peanut Gallery:  "So we should all get wet?"  

You're so right sir.  You should be saved for waiting 4 seconds in the rain and potentially having your hair frizz, and this young lady should have just one eyeball.  I busted out hysterically crying, wiping snot on my ugly sweater (it was that kind of day).  Jussttttt perfect ... because as much as I love New York, I f'ing hate it too.


Forget NYC, I can not stand people (all over the country) who feel they can 'reply all' to informational corporate emails, knowing perfectly well there are going to be up to 200 people on that listserve that don't care your cousin Sally lives in Maine with her 16 kitties.  Thanks dude for sharing ... with the entire company.


And while I'm on this soapbox, there is no soap in our girl's bathroom at work.  Hasn't been for a few days.  Girls have just given up on trying for the pump and walk outside to the Purrell dispenser to desanitize.  When we asked the bathroom attendant how we get some soap, she replied with "Call someone."  I'm confused. If you can't call the bathroom attendant for soap, who can you?


Perfect because truly, if you can make it here - you can make it anywhere. I'm not sure where I'm going, but at least I made it to Friday!


-HMOH

HMOH: i'm up 4

Up 4 having an awesome weekend???  Not up 4 posting it to your Facebook status for all 1,300 of your fake friends to see and comment on?  Check out imup4, a new social tool that helps you find friends in your network that are up to do the same things. Users simply tell the system what they are up for -- for example, “drinks tomorrow night” -- and the system will alert them about which of their friends are up for the same thing. Users can create plans, or “Avails,” by email, via Twitter, through the website, or the iPhone app.  Download the app for free here! 


ATTENTION PSU'rs  - you'll be helping a fellow alum out by getting involved, and getting your friends involved!

I'm going to speak to them about adding in options like I'm up 4 "a bridal shower AGAIN", "being a bridesmaid AGAIN", "not going away for the holiday because of another wedding AGAIN".  But in the meantime, I'm up 4 having this week be over, for getting a good night's sleep and a solid workout in, for a wine and pajama party tomorrow night and for sharing the following randomness that floods my brain (enough to make me creepily laugh out loud at myself):

• My high school/college boyfriend wore Jean Paul Gaultier cologne.  I was obsessed (it was cool back then). I could drink it in. The only people I find that wear it around here these days are NYC taxi drivers and thugs wearing matching Hanes sweatpants and sweatshirts.  This is a bit of a problem when I find myself inching closer on the subway ... or wanting to ride shotgun in a cab. Yea, I'm just going to go ahead and jump in the front with ya Mohammad.
• In an effort to delete her ex boyfriend from her life (i.e., Facebook), a friend accidentally signed up for text alerts every time he posts.  
• I'm torn about whether I need to get the flu shot.  Being the hypochondriac that I am, I currently think I have a bout of mono, swine flu and malaria.  But these are "all in my head" diseases that don't have proper symptoms and I don't feel right calling in sick.  Now am I really trying to avoid the flu where I can actually be in bed all day watching movies?
• "Employees Must Wash Hands" signs really irk me.  No, Everyone Must Wash Hands. Everyone.

 -HMOH

SIDENOTE: all in a day's work

• My new mouse pad smells toxic.  If my job wasn't killing me before, my office supplies are now.
• I'm not a political person.  It's unfortunate that I just can't get myself to be interested, despite how important I know it is and how it goes on to affect me.  You know what affects me?  All these damn random phone calls from North Dakota and Montana area codes telling me how awful the opposing candidates are.  Calls that come about two to three times a day and leave me pre-recorded, "approved by" messages. Naive and vain as it sounds ... politics are affecting my AT&T minutes.
• You know what gets me through the day?  Email chains.  Email chains from funny people. Professionals at work that take a hot second to send a note or a well thought out powerpoint presentation.  Like Carlyn, a government worker, who turned this morning's emails into a fun guessing game.  She sent a note to a select group with this photo, offered $20 to the person who guessed what it was first and asked us to send through our answers.  Go on, give it a try ... 

What'd you go with?  Guesses - from other offices and cubicles around the country  - included two aliens about to bone, cleavage from an Octoberfesh frock and a garter belt on a man.   Hey, it was just Halloween right? She wasn't up for clues, but did inform us that the photo was taken at the "Rally for a Reason" in DC this weekend.

Promising to send through the answer by 5:00 p.m., she couldn't wait any longer for the big reveal and distributed the following in (albeit sloppy and not work-appropriate) ppt format.  

This lady has got some reason, and Carlyn clearly has some free (and much appreciated) time on her hands [says the girl who just blogged about this from her office].  And there you go folks.  America, your tax dollars hard at work and the small good deeds that allow me to get through an otherwise uneventful Monday at the office.

Thanks for playing.

-HMOH

SIDENOTE: oh, what'd you be for halloween? fat.

• Tough week at the office last week, which left limited time for competing in the office's Biggest Loser Club.  Any free time I found was to chat with friends about how fat we're getting (seems to be the cool thing to do).  I got a voicemail on Friday morning that said "Just wanted to call and let you know I'm a heffer.  It's no joke - the scale said so." Another friend told me she was going to be a tub of lard for Halloween, I said it was weird because I was going as a cow.  Got home to another belated birthday present from Missy - UnderArmour workout gear.  read: "Happy belated birthday ... Fatty."
• For the past few days it's been difficult to decipher who was in their Halloween best, and who was wearing their Sunday best.  Every day is Halloween in NYC.
• Speaking of which, I managed to pull together my Halloween costume before last night.  With a group of Barbies in tow, I went as Molly, The American Girl.  If you're from my generation - you know what I'm talking about.  Girls these days; I tell ya.  They can create these dolls to look exactly like them and then schedule a tea party and spend hundreds on new, cool outfits. When I was your age, I had only a few American Girl doll options.  You got the colonial chick (Felicity), the pioneer girl (Kirsten), the rich bitch (Samantha), the slave (Addy) or the nerd with glasses (Molly).  I choose Molly because she had brown hair like mine (and glasses) and everyone else was getting Samantha (I'm no follower). Samantha came with a four post bed, butler, parlour and fur mink cuffs.  Molly had glasses and a dad away at war.  In retrospect, bad choice.
• Anyways, dressed in my 12-year-old finest, I managed to slip down a flight of stairs at the bar last night (vintage doll in tow).  I'm not talking "legs out from under you" slip down a few steps.  I'm saying it was a "I would have called in a stunt double if on set" tumble.  Apparently I "very gracefully" took two full flips before landing on my head with my legs in the air.  Looks like the next few days are going to be a classic case of "guess where that bruise came from".
• Left with a lot of candy from the minimal amount of apartment trick-or-treaters (poor kids). Get this stuff out of here, because seriously ...  my jeans are too tight.  The kind of tight when you can totally zip them up but know that even after a long, hot shower - you're still going to emerge with the seams imprinted down your thighs.  Seriously, you know what I'm talking about.  Since I'm good at prolonging holidays (ehmm, my birthday), I'm going to try to ride out this Halloween thing and try dressing up as skinny for the next few months.

Hoping this Halloween parade quiets down soon! 
Weekend. over. 




-HMOH

HMOH: feeling gilt-y

Well, if you want a glimpse inside crazy - aka being a girl, here it is. This is one of those times I'll throw in a disclaimer for any guys reading.  You can make it to the end to learn the point of the story - but it's going to require throwing up a little in your mouth first.


(12:12:58 PM) Friend: ok
(12:13:03 PM) Friend: i need u to talk me off a ledge
(12:13:03 PM) HMOH: yesss
(12:13:04 PM) Friend: asap
(12:13:05 PM) Friend: so 
(12:13:06 PM)  HMOH: go for it
(12:13:16 PM) Friend: the dress that i 100% want to be my bridesmaids dress is on sale at Gilt
(12:13:20 PM) Friend: mind you IM NOT ENGAGED
(12:13:23 PM)  HMOH: hahaha
(12:13:25 PM)  HMOH: ok
(12:13:28 PM) Friend: i am seriously contemplating buying 6 of them
(12:13:31 PM) Friend: thats retarded right? ...
(12:13:38 PM)  HMOH: um ok let's discuss
(12:13:41 PM) Friend: in the sugar plum color
(12:13:47 PM) Friend: like that is the exact one 
(12:14:15 PM)  HMOH: looking now
(12:14:28 PM)  HMOH: gorgeous
(12:14:30 PM) Friend: its one of those two birds dresses
(12:14:32 PM)  HMOH: yep
(12:14:34 PM) Friend: you can tie it a million different ways
(12:14:37 PM) HMOH: love them
(12:14:39 PM)  HMOH: ok 
(12:14:39 PM) Friend: and i want everyone to tie it however they want
(12:14:40 PM)  HMOH: so let's discuss
(12:14:53 PM)  HMOH: 1) what's sizing on these things look like
(12:14:59 PM) Friend: i have it in my head that i would never ask someone to pay more than 200 for a dress
(12:15:01 PM)  HMOH: because you could prob sell on ebay 
(12:15:10 PM)  HMOH: ok but 250-300 is the usual and expected
(12:15:14 PM) Friend: so if i buy them from a store...i would have to put in money
(12:15:20 PM) Friend: sizing is one size fits all
(12:15:25 PM) Friend: no alterations
(12:15:27 PM) Friend: thats the beauty of it
(12:15:42 PM) Friend: should i just buy one?
(12:15:45 PM) Friend: and i can always keep it?
(12:15:54 PM)  HMOH: well how much is the discount on gilt?
(12:15:56 PM) Friend: oh my head is spinning
(12:16:03 PM)  HMOH: ok this is so easily done
(12:16:07 PM)  HMOH: here's the argument
(12:16:07 PM) Friend: it says that they cost 290 usually (ive seen them for 270)
(12:16:15 PM) Friend: gilt...169!!!!
(12:16:18 PM)  HMOH: ok
(12:16:20 PM)  HMOH: so here's what i say
(12:16:32 PM) Friend: but i realize that im crazy and im not engaged
(12:16:34 PM) Friend: haha
(12:16:35 PM)  HMOH: if you're 100% certain that this is the dress you would want - WHENEVER your wedding may be
(12:16:47 PM) HMOH: like there is no way you would change your mind
(12:16:55 PM)  HMOH: and you know who you're bridesmaids are
(12:17:00 PM) Friend: i mean i can never say that without a doubt ya know?
(12:17:04 PM) Friend: i know who my bridesmaids are
(12:17:12 PM)  HMOH: right - these are the dresses you could prob sell for more on ebay
(12:17:17 PM)  HMOH: since they're really popular right now
(12:17:22 PM)  HMOH: so that's the only thing iw ould allow you to do
(12:17:23 PM) Friend: very very true
(12:17:35 PM) Friend: but the only thing that i woudl be hesitant about is the color
(12:17:39 PM) Friend: i love this color
(12:17:43 PM)  HMOH: but i dont know protocol of buying before you get engaged
(12:17:44 PM) Friend: but what happens if i see a color i like better
(12:17:48 PM)  HMOH: right
(12:17:50 PM) Friend: yeah probably bad luck right?
(12:17:51 PM) Friend: ok 
(12:17:53 PM) Friend: its a no go
(12:17:53 PM) Friend: omg
(12:17:55 PM) Friend: i cant believe that
(12:18:17 PM)  HMOH: plum is sold out
(12:18:18 PM)  HMOH: it's a sign
(12:18:30 PM)  HMOH: usually you'll pick the colors of your wedding then decide on bridesmaid dress color
(12:18:44 PM)  HMOH: AND remember that all your friends are going to love this kind of dress and re-wear it - so they won't mind
(12:19:28 PM) Friend: phew ok
(12:19:43 PM) Friend: brb now i have to run an errand
(12:19:45 PM)  HMOH: ok 
(12:19:47 PM)  HMOH: glad i could help


Now, if you made it this far, you're probably a girl or a guy who still can't believe that just happened.  Regardless, I can now tell you that while Friend was panicking and asking me all these questions about what a girl's to do when she's not engaged but wants bridesmaids dresses, I was freaking out because, well, she was getting engaged the following night.  Was I bad friend for not just telling her to buy it?  As I called her soon-to-be fiancée and he assured me she was crazy and would change her mind, we simultaneously had my friend Lauren who works at Gilt email her designer and ask how we could get 6 of the sold out dresses on hold for our friend.  In my mind, I went from worst friend ever, to best person on earth.


Longer story, short - Friend is now officially hitched and can begin to plan (well publicly plan) for her wedding and bridesmaids dresses without worrying about bad luck or jinxing fate.  She didn't go on to order the dresses ... but something tells me she'll continue to go on being insane :)


-HMOH