- How come every time you have no where to go and all the evening at your fingertips to enjoy your mani/pedi, the lady rushes you out the door? and how come when you're in a rush and need to say - get back to the office - she takes her sweet ass time, perfectly crafts each nail and gives you the best massage ever?
- and how come before you can leave on any kind of "for pleasure" vacation, you have to endure the worst work week(s) of your life?
- and ice cream isn't carbs, right?
- and how come - if it hadn't been done a million times before - the trip you planned months ago will inevitably end up a great screenplay for some bachelor/ette themed movie?
The theme: "4 days, 3 nights, 2 bachelorettes, 1 hell of a good time" (I'm cheesy, deal). The backstory: sorority sisters who met in college - Danielle and Ari are bridesmaids in each other's weddings (1 month apart) and it was time to combine bridal party forces and take ourselves to the Caribbean. Eight girls headed down to get their bachelorette party on.
And while we all came back with our teeth, their fiancées and most of our dignity, what did happen was something only an HMOH bachelorette party could bring:
- Try arriving at the airport to find your 6:45 am flight had been cancelled, then watching as one f'ing American Airlines agent pretended she was about to rebook and help the 100 people who'd gathered in line,
- Frantically dialing your friend who was supposed to pick you up in a cab for the airport but clearly overslept .. and missed the flight (no worries, she' d manage to get down later),
- Sitting besides a 300 lb snoring man and an old lady with no eyebrows who smelled like she rolled around in Downy after smoking her fifth pack of the day,
- Arriving in the hotel lobby after a crazy ass morning only to be greeted by 1) rain and 2) the bachelorette's ex-boyfriend and his current girlfriend ... who of course planned a romantic getaway on the same weekend,
- Torrential downpours each day from noon through the evening (apparently Puerto Rico has a rainy season ... and tanning salons, just saying),
- A "bed bug" incident which in turn led to an exterminator, two "very full" mosquitoes and a room switch,
- A taxi driver who played his YouTube music videos (and sounded like he'd be castrated) to the back seat and swore on his life he plays often at Madison Square Garden … you know, and drives a Puerto Rican taxi for fun on weekends,
- Saki bombs, Puerto Rican style,
- Waking up in your hotel room to the sound of a pigeon cooing in your ear (I'm still 65% certain it happened in real life),
- A bachelorette leaving the dinner table to puke because she was too hungover to eat her $60 filet mignon,
- Finding out we were taken off the return flight because of our "no show" on the cancelled leg from Friday,
- Arriving safely in New York and being asked to sit back down after gathering luggage from our overhead bins (carefully, as some items may have shifted). Then watching as four officers walked to the exit row, instructed a man and his girlfriend to grab their carry-on (they almost took a friend's before we insisted it wasn't theirs), and then following outside where he was handcuffed and she was interrogated. Yep, we walked to baggage claim with the criminal and his police escorts, full on CSI-style.
So, if you're planning to host a Bachelorette party in the area, steer clear of two things: May and American Airlines. That said, here are some HMOH recommendations (note: due to weather, we did not really leave the vicinity):
- Stay at: El San Juan or La Concha
- Eat at: La Concha's Perla Restaurant
- Party at: Brava (Saturday night, you'll need your high school ID for Friday)
- Best place for makeshift pickle back shots (read: Jameson + pickle juice): Brother Jimmy's @ ESJ
- Best place for extra dirty martinis: Anywhere old married men are seated and will buy them for you
- Best thing to do when it rains all day: See 4 and 5
- Best way to entertain yourselves: Watch this clip and have your less than sober friends reenact it ALL. DAY. LONG.
